Lesbianing With AE! Uh Oh, You’re Not Her #WCW

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Hi Lindsey,

So I saw a girl on Instagram and was drawn to her, so I decided to send her a DM. I didn’t know who she was prior to messaging her but my intuition said go for it. Although I’m not very outgoing I obliged. I found out that I went to high school with her roommate and she is really close with her roommate which made me feel a little more comfortable talking to her. So I would send her messages every few days and she would engage in conversation and they would be good conversations. I never asked her out because I wasn’t sure when was the right time. I also assumed she wasn’t involved with anyone because she was engaging in the conversation and she never posted anything about being involved on social media. Until one day I saw she posted a picture of someone as her #wcw with heart eyes and blushing emojis. After seeing that I apologize if I imposed and explained I’m sorry for not assuming she was involved. She replied with no need to apologize because she engaged in the conversation but she never confirmed or denied she was in a relationship. So I felt like the right thing to do was to end it and just tell her how nice it was talking to her and wished her positive vibes and maybe I’ll see her around. Should I have ended the conversations or waited until she flat out told me she was in a relationship?

Sincerely,

Slid in her DM’s

Slid,

I don’t really understand what the problem is. Maybe I’m too old for Instagram etiquette? Or maybe you’ve got a non-issue???

So you saw this woman’s photo online and you stated chatting. Nothing super flirty, just talking back and forth, which means she was connecting with you, too. Then you felt bad she posted a #wcw photo with some emojis. Then you made some bumbling apology to which she said, essentially, chill, we’re cool, and now you ended the conversation because your crush has a crush of her own and you feel some kind of way about it.

You felt bad she posted a #wcw photo with some emojis. Then you made some bumbling apology to which she said, essentially, chill, we’re cool, and now you ended the conversation because your crush has a crush of her own and you feel some kind of way about it.

This is not a problem, Slid. You did nothing wrong by texting her. Here’s what I think: You were sorta trying to flirt but maybe you don’t know how. She knew you were giving her attention and she encouraged it and there are all sorts of reasons she could do that, like:

  • She’s single
  • She’s in an open relationship, therefore she could be dating her #wcw and also available to you
  • Her #wcw is her girlfriend but she’s away for work/they live in different states/she’s in grad school and your crush is lonely
  • Your crush likes the attention you give
  • She’s into the #wcw, and maybe you, and maybe other people
  • She’s taken but she’s a flirt
  • She’s soliciting affection from others because she’s not cut out to love one person — which tends to get people in trouble with their partners until they figure out they can’t do monogamy.

A great many ladies, straight and gay, encourage attention from people because it makes them feel good. I’ve had countless romantic friendships with straight ladies who liked my supportive and caring friendship and who also got a little excited from the physical affection, too. So have other letter-writers. It’s a thing. Not that your crush is straight, cause she’s not, but there are many reasons that women encourage affection and attention from other women, sometimes subconsciously.

ALSO, this woman could be lonely and want more friends, and it sounds like that’s how you were representing yourself as a friend. A friend of the oh-hey-I-know-your-roommate-wanna-get-brunch variety. A girlfriend isn’t expected to provide all of the emotional fulfillment in your crush’s life, even if she has one, which an Instagram post is not definitive proof of.

ALSO, this woman could be lonely and want more friends, and it sounds like that’s how you were representing yourself as a friend. A friend of the oh-hey-I-know-your-roommate-wanna-get-brunch variety.

Regardless of her status, your Insta crush did nothing wrong in chatting with you without presuming you were interested in more.

So. No one did anything “wrong” or needs to apologize.

Meanwhile you are still crushing on this woman. I assume if she tagged her #wcw that you’ve stalked this woman’s Instagram and also stalked back through your crush’s looking for proof that they’re together and you have no conclusive evidence. You could ask her, “hey so is that your girlfriend?” but honestly that would be weird cause time has passed. You could ask the roommate that you know, which could be weird if it got back to the crush.

Or you could ask her to hang out. Pride is coming up next month (not sure where you live, but there’s probably a Pride nearby) and you could see if she’s doing any Pride events. Or you could throw a party, organize a potluck brunch, host a game night…. whatever counts as fun to you …. and invite her. And talk in person.

Honestly!

Just. Talk. To. Her. In. Person.

Talking in person cuts through all the bullshit because you can see if you vibe, you can cut through the illusion you’ve created, and you can get to know who she is. Instagram is so fucking curated that the person you’re crushed on could be a super manufactured facet that’s nothing like her reality, and you could find that you really aren’t into her in that way cause she’s annoying AF in reality. DMs are a great way to start a conversation, but the conversation needs to eventually move offline to grow into something organic. I think that’s scary for you, and I feel you. I’m an introvert too. But think of it as practice for, you know, meeting and dating someone.

DMs are a great way to start a conversation, but the conversation needs to eventually move offline to grow into something organic. I think that’s scary for you, and I feel you. I’m an introvert too. But think of it as practice for, you know, meeting and dating someone.

Think on these possibilities while you’re endlessly scrolling Instagram. Remind yourself that you only know a part of the story. You think your intuition was encouraging you to talk to her, but your intuition wasn’t necessarily saying you were going to be with her romantically. Maybe it’s a friend connection in the making. Maybe there’s another message in your connection—one you can’t hear because you’re focused on one highly specific end result.

Do you have a question for Lindsey? She has an answer! Send it to the editor: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

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