Last year I got out of a bad relationship. My ex was super controlling and I put up with it for way longer than I should have hoping I could be the one to change her toxic patterns. I ended things finally and I could not be happier. REALLY. The thing is, my friends are trying to set me up out of concern that I’ll never find someone. They’ve offered to help me set up an online dating profile, invited me to dinner parties where there just happened to be one other single lesbian there, and done other obvious things in hopes of playing matchmaker. I’ve tried to tell them I’m happy being alone for the moment, but they’re not hearing me. When I want their help finding love, I will let them know. Until then, I feel like I need to take a step back from socializing because I don’t want to be blindsided with another setup.
– Alone and Loving It
I hope you’ve told your pals how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness. Even if that feels like a lie.
Consider this: With every unwanted setup, your pals are showing you how much they love you. They think you’re a great catch! Not only can they not believe you want to be alone, they think it’s madness that some sweet woman hasn’t been introduced to the catch you are because they are your number one fans.
We should all be blessed with friends like that. So hum that mantra until you get a smile on your face, and then talk to them again.
Remind them what a mess your last relationship was. Tell them how you appreciate their efforts to help you move on. And let them know (and this is where you need to be firm but clear) that you aren’t interested in dating right now, but when you are you would love to have their help meeting women. Say something like, “I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, because I”m not ready to date. So, please, no more matchmaking attempts.”
You can say all this and be diplomatic with your pals.
Once it’s said, you’ve got to enforce those boundaries. Show up at the next dinner party and hope for the best. If you’re seated next to a single lesbian again, go ahead and claim that space you need to heal and be alone. When the next invite’s extended, tell them you can’t make. No need to explain.
You can also decide when, where, and how your friends can show up for you and support you. Maybe you’re afraid of running into your toxic ex at Pride this year. Tell your pals you need squad support. Maybe it’s coming up on your would-have-been anniversary and you just wanna get stoned and watch cheesy lesbian movies. Do it.
Write to the editor: [email protected] with your question for Lindsey, and be sure to put “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!