Lesbianing with AE: Butch/Femme Bedroom Troubles

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Why do women always expect me to be the top because I’m masculine of center? I like to be touched, too, and most of the femmes I date seem to expect me to please them and put the focus on them in the bedroom. When I asked one women to use strapons with me she made a grossed out face and said that was wrong. Others will touch me but I have to ask for what I want and it ruins the moment. I’m starting to get all up in my head about meeting women thinking if she’s too feminine she’s going to have unrealistic expectations in the bedroom. I am naturally attracted to femmes, but want someone who is willing to reciprocate!

-Frustrated Butch

Hey Frustrated Butch,

I hear you. It’s frustrating to have expectations placed on you because you look or dress a certain way. Let’s find some ways to get you sexually fulfilled without placing those same expectations back on the femmes you like to date.

Not all femmes are going to be pillow princesses who turn up their noses at taking a turn on top. So let’s try to weed out those who would judge you and find flirty femmes who want to make you feel good.

Not all femmes are going to be pillow princesses who turn up their noses at taking a turn on top.

One of the easiest ways to winnow down your dating pool is to put your dealbreakers out there on your online profile and let women self-select out of getting to know you. Gay men do this all the time but I’m not sure so many lesbians self-identify as top, bottom, or switch on their dating profiles. You can be as coy as you want (“I’m a switch-hitter in the sheets”) or really be explicit (“My ideal Friday night date is hitting up Good Vibes for a new toy we can take turns using together ;)”) so put it out there in a way that expresses your personality.

When you’re getting to know women—and there’s no judgment call on how early you hop into bed—talk openly about some of these problems you’ve had in past relationships.

Perhaps disclosing some of these fears will keep you from getting all up in your head with a new woman. Allow yourself to share more than you do and to be a little vulnerable emotionally to be seen by these women before you hop into bed. If you are keeping your feelings locked up, you could be reinforcing some of those stereotypes she’s buying into.

Perhaps disclosing some of these fears will keep you from getting all up in your head with a new woman. Allow yourself to share more than you do and to be a little vulnerable emotionally to be seen by these women before you hop into bed.

Sharing some of this stuff before you get intimate might help you be more present in the bedroom. It sounds like you are caught up wondering how much longer you need to touch a woman before she reciprocates, rather than enjoying what’s happening in the moment. That’s not much fun for either of you.

It sounds like you are caught up wondering how much longer you need to touch a woman before she reciprocates, rather than enjoying what’s happening in the moment. That’s not much fun for either of you.

While you’re still feeling it out in the bedroom, why not sext? Sometimes asking for what you what in the moment can feel too scary especially if you’ve got a pattern of asking and not getting those need met. It might feel less intimidating to sext her before a date night and plant a seed…. then trust that she’ll pick up on your signals.

If you have a question for Lindsey, don’t be shy! Send it to the editor: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line and she’ll answer in a future post. 

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