Lesbianing with AE! You saw your ex in a porn, and you freaked.

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Dear Lindsey,

I think I saw my ex in a porn. It’s not a recent breakup, more like 6 months ago, but I’ve been feeling weird about it. I’m not 100 percent sure it was her or it wasn’t. I’ve thought about having some of my friends watch it but I’m not sure I want them to know. She was doing stuff in the porn that she never did with me which I guess is why I keep thinking about it. What should I do? Text her? Put it out of my mind? Ask a friend?

-Unsure

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Hey Unsure,

That’s a totally legit thing to be weirded out by. You had an intimate relationship with someone, it ended, and then you saw them — or a twinsie — while watching some porn.

Take a little while to FEEL all the squicked-out, icky, jealous, turned on feelings. Just be with all the things running through your brain. Don’t judge the emotion tap that’s flowing super strong right now.

Take a little while to FEEL all the squicked-out, icky, jealous, turned on feelings. Just be with all the things running through your brain. Don’t judge the emotion tap that’s flowing super strong right now.

You had a legit weird experience whether it turns out the girl in the video is your ex or just a lookalike. It’s disconcerting and you can definitely tell a friend about it.

I’d make sure it’s a solid friend who won’t be judgy about you watching porn or your ex being in a porn and so on, and someone who won’t spread gossip.

You don’t need someone else making you feel bad for liking porn when you’re feeling a legit, different kind of bad over what you saw. And you don’t need this spreading through your local lesbian community.

After a little bit, the strong emotions will calm down. Maybe they already have. If you are still feeling some kind of way about this, you might like this story from Zara Barrie about her “worst nightmare” of watching her ex and ex’s new girlfriend make out at the bar.

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I wouldn’t text your ex-girlfriend about this if you’ve cut contact or passively fallen out of touch. Having her confirm or deny that she did a porn video won’t make you feel better or worse. It will just give you a new piece of information. When you open that door to ask her a question, any unresolved feelings and issues will come out.

Your ex was in a porn. Maybe. But you’re not together anymore and it doesn’t affect you, except to make you feel bad or guilty or confused.

It sounds like you’re hung up on the fact that the woman in the video did things that you and your ex didn’t do, but maybe you want to. Rather than invest your emotional energy in this porn clip you saw, and the girl who resembled/maybe was your ex, why not explore your fantasies and satisfy your needs yourself (or with a willing ladyfriend)?

Rather than invest your emotional energy in this porn clip you saw, and the girl who resembled/maybe was your ex,why not explore your fantasies and satisfy your needs yourself (or with a willing ladyfriend)?

Watch other porn or read erotica about what interests you. Join a dating site where you can disclose what you want (if it’s some sort of fetish). Look for new lovers who are willing to do whatever flavor of sexy thing that turned you on in the video but didn’t do with your ex.

Empower yourself and move forward, in other words.

Do you have a question for Lindsey? Send it to the editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line, and she’ll answer in a future post! 

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