Lesbianing with AE! You’ve fallen for a friend, but does she really like girls?

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Hey Lindsey,

So I’ve been going crazy with trying to figure out if my one friend really likes me. So here’s some of the things that have happened….So when we first became friends she made a build a bear and said it was our baby and then she wanted to fake date and I swear she used to be all flirty but when I told her that I liked her she was all like I like you too but just as a friend and I’m confused because I thought I was right and I was just wondering wouldn’t you think the same thing if someone did that to you?

-Becca

Hey Becca,

I find it best to believe people when they tell me how they feel—best because the alternative is basically driving myself crazy second guessing why their words and actions don’t line up, what has changed, and whether it was something I did. That sort of crazy making never gets me anywhere. But for a long time I got caught up in it, so I definitely understand where your head is at.

Your friend isn’t into you. She likes you as a friend. You’re having trouble believing her because of her flirtatious behavior.

Here’s the thing, though. Your friend could have wanted to “fake date” you as a way to see if she would want to actually date you—and decided that she did not want to date you for a million valid reasons, some of them being:

• She is attracted to you physically but not emotionally or vice versa

• She is bicurious but not ready to date a woman

• She has feelings for an ex and isn’t ready to be with anyone right now

• She likes attention from women—and gay women readily give attention to other women regardless of their sexuality

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We’ve written about flirty friendships before, and you can read about that here if it helps you find closure from the whole situation.

You didn’t ask me what your friend was thinking, though. You asked what I would have made of her behavior and the answer is: It depends.

There are definitely times I would have assumed she was into me, as you did. There are also times I would have seen through her behavior to understand that she wanted my affection and attention, but would never reciprocate romantically.

There are definitely times I would have assumed she was into me, as you did. There are also times I would have seen through her behavior to understand that she wanted my affection and attention, but would never reciprocate romantically.

Does your friend identify as a lesbian, or has she ever dated or slept with a woman? If she has been straight identified until she said she wanted to fake date you and have a bear baby, then I’d brush off her behavior as typical flirty/bicurious straight woman. I may have flirted and been affectionate with her if it made me feel good to do that, but not expected it turn into anything real.

Yes, for some people, female sexuality is fluid and some of these straight-identified women do go on to embrace their bi or lesbian side, sooner or later, sometimes with the women they flirt with. It can happen—but it’s rare, and it’s usually a waste of emotional energy to pursue those ladies.

Yes, for some people, female sexuality is fluid and some of these straight-identified women do go on to embrace their bi or lesbian side, sooner or later, sometimes with the women they flirt with. It can happen—but it’s rare, and it’s usually a waste of emotional energy to pursue those ladies.

If I knew she liked women and she acted that way, I would have believed I had a chance with her and may have asked her out. However, she made herself clear. She wants a friendship only. Do her (and you) the favor of believing her, and find someone who is emotionally available and is actually a lesbian or bisexual. 

If you need to pull back from the friendship for a little while, because you’ve thought there was potential and you’ve been rebuffed, that’s fine. Take some space from this friend until you’re able to see her platonically again. Use that extra time to pursue other women and make it clear to your gal pal that you are cruising for dateable women to erase any weirdness either of you might be feeling.

Have a question for Lindsey? email our editor: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line 

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