Lesbianing With AE! How to Deal When Her Kids are Driving You Apart

on

Getty

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for a year and a half. About six months ago, her kids came back into her life after they decided to not have anything to do with her because of our relationship. There were a lot of hurtful things said and done to us by the ex husband because he disapproved of our lifestyle. I’m having a difficult time with them coming back into the picture because I can’t seem to forgive or forget what they put me and her through. It has really put a strain on us because she thinks I should get over it and move on. I can’t move on from it and because of it, we haven’t been intimate in at least 5 months. I feel like she has pushed me and my feelings to the side and has no time to try to get back what we had. We both say that we don’t want to end the relationship but nothing is being done to fix it. I feel like she is using me for income and yet also feel she doesn’t need me anymore. I’ve started looking at apartments and thinking about moving on. I honestly don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated!

-I’m ready to be happy.

Hey IRTBH,

My sympathies go out to you and to your wife. It must have been heartbreaking for her that her children cut off all contact when she chose a partner who could make her happy just because that person was female.

And it must have been heartbreaking for you to know what it cost her to choose your relationship as well as navigating around their “change of heart.” I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t believe they’ve changed.

If the kids opened the lines of communication 6 months ago and you two haven’t been intimate in 5 months, it sounds like your wife has only given you one month to adjust to having her kids back in your lives. That is really asking a lot of you — to get on board with this sudden contact — in a short period of time.

If the kids opened the lines of communication 6 months ago and you two haven’t been intimate in 5 months, it sounds like your wife has only given you one month to adjust to having her kids back in your lives.

No wonder you are frustrated. You say you can’t get over this—I need to ask if this is can’t or won’t. Are you trying to get over it, for the sake of the woman you love?

I would encourage you to open up about how you’re feeling and to tell her that you want to sit down and work out as a married couple a realistic timeline for reconnecting with her children.

She can do whatever she wants on the phone or in person when you aren’t present. However, if she wants to invite her kids over to your place or have a large family dinner out, then you two need to agree on when, where, and any other criteria.

Getty

This assumes that you are willing to work toward having your wife’s children in your lives — both of your lives. Even though they wanted nothing to do with her for several years.

A timeline might include, say, a desire to host her kids for a July 4 barbecue, which would give you five months to work toward having them over all day. The two of you might come up with a scale of contact where she is in touch with them, then you meet them at a restaurant for dinner, then you all go spend the day together at the local botanical garden, etc.

Point being: She gets to have her kids in her life if that’s what they want, but you get to put the brakes on the train.

You get to remind her that what her ex or her kids said hurt you too. You get to tell her, this is what marriage is. The two of you working out the solutions to your problems, because her problems are also your problems.

You get to remind her that what her ex or her kids said hurt you too. You get to tell her, this is what marriage is. The two of you working out the solutions to your problems, because her problems are also your problems.

You don’t get to stop the train. You can’t go backward to when her kids wanted nothing to do with their mother. Only the kids can do that, and for her sake I hope they don’t.

I have to say, it troubles me that you would be willing to call it quits and move out after 6 months, when you have been together for 8 years. It also troubles me that your wife is freezing you out in the process of reuniting with her children. You both say you want to resolve this—but words are cheap, and you’re acting as separate individuals, not a married couple.

Couples counseling could help you work on this together. A counselor will help you explore ways to forgive your wife’s family for mistreating her and you for such a long time, while also helping your wife understand your rightful reluctance.

I hope you can work this out. I hope you are willing. I hope your wife is willing.

For many years, your wife learned that she could have either her kids or you in her life and she chose you. Now that she gets to have contact with her children (and I say this as someone who doesn’t want children, if that’s worth anything to you), do you want to tell her that she can’t have you?

Good luck.

Do you have a question for Lindsey? Don’t be shy, you can remain anonymous. Write our editor: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line. 

More you may like