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Lesbianing with AE! Teach yourself to top and get over lesbian dating insecurities

I felt down after your recent column but not for the reason you might think. I’m one of those plain/average looking lesbians you mentioned – and I’m having a hard time finding love. My personal style isn’t overly femme or masculine. I’m in my late twenties and I live in a medium sized city with a healthy queer population. I started dating women in high school and had girlfriends through college. I met my last serious girlfriend when I was in grad school and I thought we would be together forever – seriously, I was imagining our wedding.

But things fell apart – long story, won’t rehash it here – and I find myself looking through the glass watching my peers move on into marriage and children while I’m struggling to get a second date with a single lesbian. I’ve tried meetups and online dating. I’ve tried just “do what I love” and not look for love. I’ve asked out single friends. I’ve really done it all. I know I’m average in looks, but I have a lot to offer. I just can’t seem to find someone who is interested. – Stranded

Hey Stranded,

So you’re not the most dapper butch or luscious lesbian in the room. I get that can make dating difficult, and that putting yourself “put there” can feel vulnerable.

Since appearance plays a role in your insecurity, here’s a few tips.

One, get a haircut you like. There’s something about going for a haircut that makes you feel good when you walk out of the salon. Or if you’re me, when you walk out of the bathroom after doing it yourself cause you’re cheap and/or sick of getting short hair soccer mom ‘do’s.

Two, find some way to pamper your body that feels good to you – fancy lotion, gentle yoga, a bath. Wear makeup – or not, whichever makes you feel better.

Three, get clothing that suits your personal style and your figure. Don’t hide in frumpy clothes even if you’re insecure about your chest/waist/arms/legs/butt. There’s a reason French women look incredible: Tailoring. French women know how to buy clothing that flatters their figures or get it tailored so it fits them. They look sophisticated, confident and comfortable in their skin – all things that can help you impress a date.

These habits will help you feel good on a day to day basis. That subtle shift can amplify your mood in social settings, your charm on a date and your overall experience of life. You’re stuck in the body you’ve got, but you still have the power to be the most fabulous you that you can imagine.

And if you want to change your body by working out or eating healthy, that’s on you. Joining a gym or taking up a fitness hobby, be it muay thai or hot yoga, can help you relax, get toned, and find new connections. If you’d rather go the fitness route alone because you’re self-conscious, do it too. With something like fitness, expectations can really muck up your mindset so be gentle with yourself rather than scolding. I always like to do fit things because I want to be adventurous or let off stress or see toned arms in the mirror, not to drop a pants size or wow a girl.

With lesbian dating, know what you bring to the table and proudly tote whatever it is you’re offering. Maybe you’re financially stable, with a good job, and say you own a house. That’s going to be attractive to a lot of ladies who are ready for something mature, so tout that! Maybe you’re well-traveled or well-read; if so, smart can be sexy. You say you have a lot to offer, but you didn’t tell me about it. Tell us! Be proud and generous! You might not attract a ton of dates, but the women who look your way will be after what you’re offering.

Commands work here too, so rather than sliding off her t-shirt, make her take it off for you. Little victories here can boost your confidence and help you feel better about taking control when things get sexy.

As you gain confidence (and hopefully rave reviews from her – and if not, tell her that you need feedback on the top stuff) push it further. Move from bossing her around to physically taking control when you’re having sex. This goes beyond being on top and touching her while prohibiting her from touching you (although those count and they’re fun, so start there if you want).

Play with withholding touch from her, for instance by making her beg to be touched. Or integrate dirty talk into your sex, which is a great way to act domineering and buy her consent. So you could say “I’m going to tie you up and sit on your face. Want that?” and then when she assents you can withhold it until she … begs for it/gives you a lap dance/services you with a sensual massage/whatever you want that puts her in a submissive role.

If you’re still nervous about taking charge, put a blindfold on her. This is great because not only have you demonstrated how dom you are, she can’t see what you’re doing – and how nervous you really are.

Suppose you talk to her about what she wants, and you aren’t comfortable with it… I dunno, maybe she asks you to slap her face or spank her, and that’s not cool with you. You don’t have to go there if you’re uncomfortable. So, please don’t feel that you have to take her laundry list of toppy demands and check off every one to effectively top her. You don’t. You can still be a top and not do all the things she wants.

And finally… being on top is one aspect of your sex life. While I applaud your desire to learn and please your girlfriend, make sure you’re getting to have the type of sex that turns you on, too.

Have a question for Lindsey? Email the editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

NEXT PAGE – TEACH YOURSELF TO TOP

My girlfriend recently told me that she wants me to take more of a dominant, toppy role in the bedroom. Our relationship is equal in other ways and I’m not a naturally bossy person, in fact she’s usually the one to initiate sex. I agreed I would try to be more dominant, but I’ve been stressing out about it. I’ll try to practice lines in my head, but they make me crack up. I can’t take myself seriously, so how will she? Teach me how to be a better top so I can keep my girl happy!

– No Dom

Hey ND,

Since you know your girlfriend enjoyed playing the bottom in a past relationship, why not talk about what she enjoyed and why? Not only will this get her all turned on, it will help you get a better sense of what she wants from you, so you can be dominant in the way that she wants to be dominated. And this is a good place for you start acting more commandeering without bringing sex into it. Rather than ask her about her ex, command her to tell you about it. “Tell me how your ex used to top you” is a simple opening line.

Once she opens up, you can brainstorm about how to do what she wants so it’s fun for you and consensual for all. Yup, you can still boss her around in bed and have a lengthy convo beforehand about boundaries, safe words, and acceptable activities.

While you should get her consent before you roll out power imbalances, you can also do your own research before you talk, so you have a better idea of where you might feel comfortable starting or how to top in a way that makes you excited, not stressed.

This might mean reading lots of erotic stories or watching porn to get inspiration, or turning to books that cover BDSM basics. The New Topping Book is a popular classic, and there’s also The New Bottoming Book if you’re wanting more insight into what your girlfriend is asking for, and why.

You might dive into deep exploration while taking control when you have the sex you’re already having, easing your way up to power play. When you’re making out, position your body so you are on top of her. You can play with ways to make this more forceful or surprising, like pushing her back on the bed or against a pillow. Commands work here too, so rather than sliding off her t-shirt, make her take it off for you. Little victories here can boost your confidence and help you feel better about taking control when things get sexy.

Commands work here too, so rather than sliding off her t-shirt, make her take it off for you. Little victories here can boost your confidence and help you feel better about taking control when things get sexy.

As you gain confidence (and hopefully rave reviews from her – and if not, tell her that you need feedback on the top stuff) push it further. Move from bossing her around to physically taking control when you’re having sex. This goes beyond being on top and touching her while prohibiting her from touching you (although those count and they’re fun, so start there if you want).

Play with withholding touch from her, for instance by making her beg to be touched. Or integrate dirty talk into your sex, which is a great way to act domineering and buy her consent. So you could say “I’m going to tie you up and sit on your face. Want that?” and then when she assents you can withhold it until she … begs for it/gives you a lap dance/services you with a sensual massage/whatever you want that puts her in a submissive role.

If you’re still nervous about taking charge, put a blindfold on her. This is great because not only have you demonstrated how dom you are, she can’t see what you’re doing – and how nervous you really are.

Suppose you talk to her about what she wants, and you aren’t comfortable with it… I dunno, maybe she asks you to slap her face or spank her, and that’s not cool with you. You don’t have to go there if you’re uncomfortable. So, please don’t feel that you have to take her laundry list of toppy demands and check off every one to effectively top her. You don’t. You can still be a top and not do all the things she wants.

And finally… being on top is one aspect of your sex life. While I applaud your desire to learn and please your girlfriend, make sure you’re getting to have the type of sex that turns you on, too.

Have a question for Lindsey? Email the editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

If you’re stuck in a dating rut why not expand your options? Take the pressure off yourself to find the girl of your dreams and make dating a way to enjoy meeting new people and having new experiences.

Give yourself something new to say yes to rather than viewing online dating like drudgery. When you feel stranded, any momentum can bring insight.

There’s no guarantee you’ll find your match. But those friends sailing off to marriage or motherhood? Those aren’t calm waters, and they aren’t guaranteed happy days either.

NEXT PAGE – TEACH YOURSELF TO TOP

My girlfriend recently told me that she wants me to take more of a dominant, toppy role in the bedroom. Our relationship is equal in other ways and I’m not a naturally bossy person, in fact she’s usually the one to initiate sex. I agreed I would try to be more dominant, but I’ve been stressing out about it. I’ll try to practice lines in my head, but they make me crack up. I can’t take myself seriously, so how will she? Teach me how to be a better top so I can keep my girl happy!

– No Dom

Hey ND,

Since you know your girlfriend enjoyed playing the bottom in a past relationship, why not talk about what she enjoyed and why? Not only will this get her all turned on, it will help you get a better sense of what she wants from you, so you can be dominant in the way that she wants to be dominated. And this is a good place for you start acting more commandeering without bringing sex into it. Rather than ask her about her ex, command her to tell you about it. “Tell me how your ex used to top you” is a simple opening line.

Once she opens up, you can brainstorm about how to do what she wants so it’s fun for you and consensual for all. Yup, you can still boss her around in bed and have a lengthy convo beforehand about boundaries, safe words, and acceptable activities.

While you should get her consent before you roll out power imbalances, you can also do your own research before you talk, so you have a better idea of where you might feel comfortable starting or how to top in a way that makes you excited, not stressed.

This might mean reading lots of erotic stories or watching porn to get inspiration, or turning to books that cover BDSM basics. The New Topping Book is a popular classic, and there’s also The New Bottoming Book if you’re wanting more insight into what your girlfriend is asking for, and why.

You might dive into deep exploration while taking control when you have the sex you’re already having, easing your way up to power play. When you’re making out, position your body so you are on top of her. You can play with ways to make this more forceful or surprising, like pushing her back on the bed or against a pillow. Commands work here too, so rather than sliding off her t-shirt, make her take it off for you. Little victories here can boost your confidence and help you feel better about taking control when things get sexy.

Commands work here too, so rather than sliding off her t-shirt, make her take it off for you. Little victories here can boost your confidence and help you feel better about taking control when things get sexy.

As you gain confidence (and hopefully rave reviews from her – and if not, tell her that you need feedback on the top stuff) push it further. Move from bossing her around to physically taking control when you’re having sex. This goes beyond being on top and touching her while prohibiting her from touching you (although those count and they’re fun, so start there if you want).

Play with withholding touch from her, for instance by making her beg to be touched. Or integrate dirty talk into your sex, which is a great way to act domineering and buy her consent. So you could say “I’m going to tie you up and sit on your face. Want that?” and then when she assents you can withhold it until she … begs for it/gives you a lap dance/services you with a sensual massage/whatever you want that puts her in a submissive role.

If you’re still nervous about taking charge, put a blindfold on her. This is great because not only have you demonstrated how dom you are, she can’t see what you’re doing – and how nervous you really are.

Suppose you talk to her about what she wants, and you aren’t comfortable with it… I dunno, maybe she asks you to slap her face or spank her, and that’s not cool with you. You don’t have to go there if you’re uncomfortable. So, please don’t feel that you have to take her laundry list of toppy demands and check off every one to effectively top her. You don’t. You can still be a top and not do all the things she wants.

And finally… being on top is one aspect of your sex life. While I applaud your desire to learn and please your girlfriend, make sure you’re getting to have the type of sex that turns you on, too.

Have a question for Lindsey? Email the editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

With lesbian dating, know what you bring to the table and proudly tote whatever it is you’re offering.

Also, if you’re stuck in a dating rut why not expand your options? Take the pressure off yourself to find the girl of your dreams and make dating a way to enjoy meeting new people and having new experiences. Who knows, maybe you’ll find yourself hanging out with a woman who is not at all who you’d usually go for, having a blast and learning something new about yourself – because you didn’t make it about forever love or whether she was your type.

If you’re stuck in a dating rut why not expand your options? Take the pressure off yourself to find the girl of your dreams and make dating a way to enjoy meeting new people and having new experiences.

Give yourself something new to say yes to rather than viewing online dating like drudgery. When you feel stranded, any momentum can bring insight.

There’s no guarantee you’ll find your match. But those friends sailing off to marriage or motherhood? Those aren’t calm waters, and they aren’t guaranteed happy days either.

NEXT PAGE – TEACH YOURSELF TO TOP

My girlfriend recently told me that she wants me to take more of a dominant, toppy role in the bedroom. Our relationship is equal in other ways and I’m not a naturally bossy person, in fact she’s usually the one to initiate sex. I agreed I would try to be more dominant, but I’ve been stressing out about it. I’ll try to practice lines in my head, but they make me crack up. I can’t take myself seriously, so how will she? Teach me how to be a better top so I can keep my girl happy!

– No Dom

Hey ND,

Since you know your girlfriend enjoyed playing the bottom in a past relationship, why not talk about what she enjoyed and why? Not only will this get her all turned on, it will help you get a better sense of what she wants from you, so you can be dominant in the way that she wants to be dominated. And this is a good place for you start acting more commandeering without bringing sex into it. Rather than ask her about her ex, command her to tell you about it. “Tell me how your ex used to top you” is a simple opening line.

Once she opens up, you can brainstorm about how to do what she wants so it’s fun for you and consensual for all. Yup, you can still boss her around in bed and have a lengthy convo beforehand about boundaries, safe words, and acceptable activities.

While you should get her consent before you roll out power imbalances, you can also do your own research before you talk, so you have a better idea of where you might feel comfortable starting or how to top in a way that makes you excited, not stressed.

This might mean reading lots of erotic stories or watching porn to get inspiration, or turning to books that cover BDSM basics. The New Topping Book is a popular classic, and there’s also The New Bottoming Book if you’re wanting more insight into what your girlfriend is asking for, and why.

You might dive into deep exploration while taking control when you have the sex you’re already having, easing your way up to power play. When you’re making out, position your body so you are on top of her. You can play with ways to make this more forceful or surprising, like pushing her back on the bed or against a pillow. Commands work here too, so rather than sliding off her t-shirt, make her take it off for you. Little victories here can boost your confidence and help you feel better about taking control when things get sexy.

Commands work here too, so rather than sliding off her t-shirt, make her take it off for you. Little victories here can boost your confidence and help you feel better about taking control when things get sexy.

As you gain confidence (and hopefully rave reviews from her – and if not, tell her that you need feedback on the top stuff) push it further. Move from bossing her around to physically taking control when you’re having sex. This goes beyond being on top and touching her while prohibiting her from touching you (although those count and they’re fun, so start there if you want).

Play with withholding touch from her, for instance by making her beg to be touched. Or integrate dirty talk into your sex, which is a great way to act domineering and buy her consent. So you could say “I’m going to tie you up and sit on your face. Want that?” and then when she assents you can withhold it until she … begs for it/gives you a lap dance/services you with a sensual massage/whatever you want that puts her in a submissive role.

If you’re still nervous about taking charge, put a blindfold on her. This is great because not only have you demonstrated how dom you are, she can’t see what you’re doing – and how nervous you really are.

Suppose you talk to her about what she wants, and you aren’t comfortable with it… I dunno, maybe she asks you to slap her face or spank her, and that’s not cool with you. You don’t have to go there if you’re uncomfortable. So, please don’t feel that you have to take her laundry list of toppy demands and check off every one to effectively top her. You don’t. You can still be a top and not do all the things she wants.

And finally… being on top is one aspect of your sex life. While I applaud your desire to learn and please your girlfriend, make sure you’re getting to have the type of sex that turns you on, too.

Have a question for Lindsey? Email the editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

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