Alright, lez get right to this.
Last year I got out of a 5 year relationship. I thought my ex and I would end up forever and was quite blindsided when things went wrong. I got quite depressed, which I was in treatment for. I’m still hurt but I recently started dating again to try to move on completely from my ex. I met a woman who is so different from my ex but really wonderful, and we have gotten more serious. I think she is great and in some ways we are more compatible than my ex and I ever were. But I keep having these invasive thoughts of my ex or comparing this woman to my ex, and now I’m getting anxious about having sex with my new girl. I can tell I’m not over my ex completely and I’m honest with the new girl about what happened and where I am coming from. She is understanding and willing to take things slow. She’s really great. And I want to be wholly available to her and not hung up on my ex. How do I get over my ex and stop having these invasive thoughts of her when I’m being intimate with someone new?
-Easier Said Than Done
A breakup after 5 years — no wonder you are thinking of your ex. You haven’t even gone to bed with your new girl and you are already overthinking things.
Be gentle with yourself, ESTD.
What you are going through is totally normal. Most people compare an ex to a new woman they start dating. As we fall into routines with new partners it’s natural that memories of ex partners rise up unbidden. You’re kissing someone for the first time since you kissed your ex; soon you’ll be touching someone for the first time since your ex. You’ll get to learn how this woman likes to be touched and you’ll probably have flash backs to the ex.
Your friend knows she’s making a mistake. That’s why she never told you she was talking to her ex. She finally confessed because she might see you around town with her forbidden flame, because the guilt got to be too much, because she was hoping you’d say exactly what you’re dying to say.
If you can’t hold your peace, tell your friend you think she is making a mistake. Don’t vent. Be clear and simple, i.e. “Karen, your ex cheated on you and it really messed you up. How can you move past that sort of trust violation and give her another chance?”
Speaking your mind relieves the burden you currently feel of staying quiet and watching a friend make bad choices. It can boost your mental health.
Speaking out can also draw a boundary between you and Karen by telling her that you really aren’t there to listen to her girl drama any longer. If this sort of behavior is a pattern for Karen and you’ve matured, it can be difficult to watch your friend make the same mistakes and show up to soothe her grief over and over again. If you think you’ve matured and Karen is stuck, speaking up/pulling back could be the kick in the pants she needs to finally shake self-destructive patterns and grow up a bit.
But… as you seem aware, speaking out can create distance between the two of you that even a second breakup won’t bridge.
When Karens are confronted with a truth-teller who sees through their bullshit, they tend to shut down or back away. It’s human nature. Karen doesn’t want you to tell her what to do. She’ll probably push you away, especially if she has her own doubts about her actions.
While it’s not easy to sit there and watch your friend make a mistake, the best news is that you don’t have to. You’re in a prison of you own making, SI. It’s always an option to take a step back from your friendship for your own well-being.
Karen isn’t in a place right now where she’s rational or ready to be a friend. She’s strung out on this bad-news girl and where things go is a learning moment for Karen — one that you can’t help her avoid from her current position. Only Karen can learn to value herself enough to stop sabotaging herself with bad choices. Only Karen can decide she’s worth more than this bad ex.
Rather than give yourself grief over your friendship with Karen, spend more time with other friends (or your girl, if you’re coupled). Allow yourself the privilege of trying new things and growing who you are as a person. Soon enough Karen’s relationship will go bust and she will need you to console her once more. It’s your call when that day comes. You can be the supportive bestie again, tell her that you’re sorry for her pain but you can’t help her get over the ex v.2, or chart your own middle path.
Let Karen make her own mistakes and live your life.
Send in your question for Lindsey to our editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!
CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
I am having trouble dealing with my best friend, who recently got back together with her toxic ex. I spent months consoling my friend (let’s call her Karen) about her douchey ex, going back and forth with her, holding her while she cried and so on. I was there with my friend when she took the first steps to start dating again, I took her out to the club for dance nights, I did it all. And now I find out that she’s been secretly talking to her ex the whole time and they decided to give things another try because “she’s changed.” I am super tempted to unleash on my friend about what a mistake she is making, and how I’m done with her girl drama when the relationship fails (as it will – her ex is a bitch). But I don’t want to unload the truth on my bestie and lose her as a friend when she can’t hear the truth.
-Sick of It
Hi SI,
I have been in your position and it sucks. I’ve tried to suck it up and wait for the friend-in-question to notice her mistakes and I’ve told my friend how she’s making a mistake she’ll regret.
I wish I could come back from the mountaintop and tell you there’s a clear right path, but there never is. My advice to you? Do what you can live with, and understand that some people hook us down deep. Your friend is hooked by the ex right now and until she untangles that for herself, there’s nothing you can do to change her mind.
Your friend knows she’s making a mistake, I bet. That’s why she never told you she was still talking to her ex. She finally confessed because she might see you around town with her forbidden flame, because the guilt got to be too much, because she was hoping you’d say exactly what you’re dying to say… I don’t know. Neither can you.
Your friend knows she’s making a mistake. That’s why she never told you she was talking to her ex. She finally confessed because she might see you around town with her forbidden flame, because the guilt got to be too much, because she was hoping you’d say exactly what you’re dying to say.
If you can’t hold your peace, tell your friend you think she is making a mistake. Don’t vent. Be clear and simple, i.e. “Karen, your ex cheated on you and it really messed you up. How can you move past that sort of trust violation and give her another chance?”
Speaking your mind relieves the burden you currently feel of staying quiet and watching a friend make bad choices. It can boost your mental health.
Speaking out can also draw a boundary between you and Karen by telling her that you really aren’t there to listen to her girl drama any longer. If this sort of behavior is a pattern for Karen and you’ve matured, it can be difficult to watch your friend make the same mistakes and show up to soothe her grief over and over again. If you think you’ve matured and Karen is stuck, speaking up/pulling back could be the kick in the pants she needs to finally shake self-destructive patterns and grow up a bit.
But… as you seem aware, speaking out can create distance between the two of you that even a second breakup won’t bridge.
When Karens are confronted with a truth-teller who sees through their bullshit, they tend to shut down or back away. It’s human nature. Karen doesn’t want you to tell her what to do. She’ll probably push you away, especially if she has her own doubts about her actions.
While it’s not easy to sit there and watch your friend make a mistake, the best news is that you don’t have to. You’re in a prison of you own making, SI. It’s always an option to take a step back from your friendship for your own well-being.
Karen isn’t in a place right now where she’s rational or ready to be a friend. She’s strung out on this bad-news girl and where things go is a learning moment for Karen — one that you can’t help her avoid from her current position. Only Karen can learn to value herself enough to stop sabotaging herself with bad choices. Only Karen can decide she’s worth more than this bad ex.
Rather than give yourself grief over your friendship with Karen, spend more time with other friends (or your girl, if you’re coupled). Allow yourself the privilege of trying new things and growing who you are as a person. Soon enough Karen’s relationship will go bust and she will need you to console her once more. It’s your call when that day comes. You can be the supportive bestie again, tell her that you’re sorry for her pain but you can’t help her get over the ex v.2, or chart your own middle path.
Let Karen make her own mistakes and live your life.
Send in your question for Lindsey to our editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!
These memories are part of the process of moving on and it can take months or even years to really get over someone you loved and be fully present to a new partner.
When thoughts of the ex come up, don’t overanalyze them or resist them. Notice that you thought of the ex — for instance, the ex liked to have sex at night in but your new girl is more of a morning person — and then let it go and sink into the moment by moment experience with this woman. If you try to brush away the thoughts of your ex’s sexy massages, you’ll actually spend more time on the memories than if you acknowledge them and let them go.
You are right where you need to be — clearing out lingering pain and moving on from a relationship that ended. Over time the thoughts will be less painful and gripping and you’ll be able to notice, “Oh she does this differently than my ex used to” and move on without getting caught up.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
I am having trouble dealing with my best friend, who recently got back together with her toxic ex. I spent months consoling my friend (let’s call her Karen) about her douchey ex, going back and forth with her, holding her while she cried and so on. I was there with my friend when she took the first steps to start dating again, I took her out to the club for dance nights, I did it all. And now I find out that she’s been secretly talking to her ex the whole time and they decided to give things another try because “she’s changed.” I am super tempted to unleash on my friend about what a mistake she is making, and how I’m done with her girl drama when the relationship fails (as it will – her ex is a bitch). But I don’t want to unload the truth on my bestie and lose her as a friend when she can’t hear the truth.
-Sick of It
Hi SI,
I have been in your position and it sucks. I’ve tried to suck it up and wait for the friend-in-question to notice her mistakes and I’ve told my friend how she’s making a mistake she’ll regret.
I wish I could come back from the mountaintop and tell you there’s a clear right path, but there never is. My advice to you? Do what you can live with, and understand that some people hook us down deep. Your friend is hooked by the ex right now and until she untangles that for herself, there’s nothing you can do to change her mind.
Your friend knows she’s making a mistake, I bet. That’s why she never told you she was still talking to her ex. She finally confessed because she might see you around town with her forbidden flame, because the guilt got to be too much, because she was hoping you’d say exactly what you’re dying to say… I don’t know. Neither can you.
Your friend knows she’s making a mistake. That’s why she never told you she was talking to her ex. She finally confessed because she might see you around town with her forbidden flame, because the guilt got to be too much, because she was hoping you’d say exactly what you’re dying to say.
If you can’t hold your peace, tell your friend you think she is making a mistake. Don’t vent. Be clear and simple, i.e. “Karen, your ex cheated on you and it really messed you up. How can you move past that sort of trust violation and give her another chance?”
Speaking your mind relieves the burden you currently feel of staying quiet and watching a friend make bad choices. It can boost your mental health.
Speaking out can also draw a boundary between you and Karen by telling her that you really aren’t there to listen to her girl drama any longer. If this sort of behavior is a pattern for Karen and you’ve matured, it can be difficult to watch your friend make the same mistakes and show up to soothe her grief over and over again. If you think you’ve matured and Karen is stuck, speaking up/pulling back could be the kick in the pants she needs to finally shake self-destructive patterns and grow up a bit.
But… as you seem aware, speaking out can create distance between the two of you that even a second breakup won’t bridge.
When Karens are confronted with a truth-teller who sees through their bullshit, they tend to shut down or back away. It’s human nature. Karen doesn’t want you to tell her what to do. She’ll probably push you away, especially if she has her own doubts about her actions.
While it’s not easy to sit there and watch your friend make a mistake, the best news is that you don’t have to. You’re in a prison of you own making, SI. It’s always an option to take a step back from your friendship for your own well-being.
Karen isn’t in a place right now where she’s rational or ready to be a friend. She’s strung out on this bad-news girl and where things go is a learning moment for Karen — one that you can’t help her avoid from her current position. Only Karen can learn to value herself enough to stop sabotaging herself with bad choices. Only Karen can decide she’s worth more than this bad ex.
Rather than give yourself grief over your friendship with Karen, spend more time with other friends (or your girl, if you’re coupled). Allow yourself the privilege of trying new things and growing who you are as a person. Soon enough Karen’s relationship will go bust and she will need you to console her once more. It’s your call when that day comes. You can be the supportive bestie again, tell her that you’re sorry for her pain but you can’t help her get over the ex v.2, or chart your own middle path.
Let Karen make her own mistakes and live your life.
Send in your question for Lindsey to our editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!
As we fall into routines with new partners it’s natural that memories of ex partners rise up unbidden.
You and your ex had a long history and a deep bond, including a strong sexual connection. After five years, I bet she knew exactly how to tease you and get you off, something your new girlfriend has yet to learn. When you do have sex, it will be different from sex with the ex. While you might know this intellectually, I encourage you to feel it and accept the ways that it’s different without wanting the ex.
Let yourself off the hook for these memories and expect that more will arise as you continue to see this woman. These memories are part of the process of moving on and it can take months or even years to really get over someone you loved and be fully present to a new partner. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad or ashamed. I want you to stop beating yourself up and accept where you are in the healing process — something your new girlfriend has done. Take things as slow as you need to, and trust that the ex flashbacks will lessen as your bond to this women increases.
These memories are part of the process of moving on and it can take months or even years to really get over someone you loved and be fully present to a new partner.
When thoughts of the ex come up, don’t overanalyze them or resist them. Notice that you thought of the ex — for instance, the ex liked to have sex at night in but your new girl is more of a morning person — and then let it go and sink into the moment by moment experience with this woman. If you try to brush away the thoughts of your ex’s sexy massages, you’ll actually spend more time on the memories than if you acknowledge them and let them go.
You are right where you need to be — clearing out lingering pain and moving on from a relationship that ended. Over time the thoughts will be less painful and gripping and you’ll be able to notice, “Oh she does this differently than my ex used to” and move on without getting caught up.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
I am having trouble dealing with my best friend, who recently got back together with her toxic ex. I spent months consoling my friend (let’s call her Karen) about her douchey ex, going back and forth with her, holding her while she cried and so on. I was there with my friend when she took the first steps to start dating again, I took her out to the club for dance nights, I did it all. And now I find out that she’s been secretly talking to her ex the whole time and they decided to give things another try because “she’s changed.” I am super tempted to unleash on my friend about what a mistake she is making, and how I’m done with her girl drama when the relationship fails (as it will – her ex is a bitch). But I don’t want to unload the truth on my bestie and lose her as a friend when she can’t hear the truth.
-Sick of It
Hi SI,
I have been in your position and it sucks. I’ve tried to suck it up and wait for the friend-in-question to notice her mistakes and I’ve told my friend how she’s making a mistake she’ll regret.
I wish I could come back from the mountaintop and tell you there’s a clear right path, but there never is. My advice to you? Do what you can live with, and understand that some people hook us down deep. Your friend is hooked by the ex right now and until she untangles that for herself, there’s nothing you can do to change her mind.
Your friend knows she’s making a mistake, I bet. That’s why she never told you she was still talking to her ex. She finally confessed because she might see you around town with her forbidden flame, because the guilt got to be too much, because she was hoping you’d say exactly what you’re dying to say… I don’t know. Neither can you.
Your friend knows she’s making a mistake. That’s why she never told you she was talking to her ex. She finally confessed because she might see you around town with her forbidden flame, because the guilt got to be too much, because she was hoping you’d say exactly what you’re dying to say.
If you can’t hold your peace, tell your friend you think she is making a mistake. Don’t vent. Be clear and simple, i.e. “Karen, your ex cheated on you and it really messed you up. How can you move past that sort of trust violation and give her another chance?”
Speaking your mind relieves the burden you currently feel of staying quiet and watching a friend make bad choices. It can boost your mental health.
Speaking out can also draw a boundary between you and Karen by telling her that you really aren’t there to listen to her girl drama any longer. If this sort of behavior is a pattern for Karen and you’ve matured, it can be difficult to watch your friend make the same mistakes and show up to soothe her grief over and over again. If you think you’ve matured and Karen is stuck, speaking up/pulling back could be the kick in the pants she needs to finally shake self-destructive patterns and grow up a bit.
But… as you seem aware, speaking out can create distance between the two of you that even a second breakup won’t bridge.
When Karens are confronted with a truth-teller who sees through their bullshit, they tend to shut down or back away. It’s human nature. Karen doesn’t want you to tell her what to do. She’ll probably push you away, especially if she has her own doubts about her actions.
While it’s not easy to sit there and watch your friend make a mistake, the best news is that you don’t have to. You’re in a prison of you own making, SI. It’s always an option to take a step back from your friendship for your own well-being.
Karen isn’t in a place right now where she’s rational or ready to be a friend. She’s strung out on this bad-news girl and where things go is a learning moment for Karen — one that you can’t help her avoid from her current position. Only Karen can learn to value herself enough to stop sabotaging herself with bad choices. Only Karen can decide she’s worth more than this bad ex.
Rather than give yourself grief over your friendship with Karen, spend more time with other friends (or your girl, if you’re coupled). Allow yourself the privilege of trying new things and growing who you are as a person. Soon enough Karen’s relationship will go bust and she will need you to console her once more. It’s your call when that day comes. You can be the supportive bestie again, tell her that you’re sorry for her pain but you can’t help her get over the ex v.2, or chart your own middle path.
Let Karen make her own mistakes and live your life.
Send in your question for Lindsey to our editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!
