Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you communicate about your virginity (without scaring off the experienced ladies) and get out of a relationship when the writing is on the wall.
I’m kind of a late bloomer. I didn’t really date anyone in high school — actually I didn’t date anyone until my senior year of college, when I tried dating this guy who had a crush on me. I wasn’t that into him, and we didn’t do anything more than make out, but it helped me to realize that I am attracted to women. After that realization, I tried to find women to date in school but didn’t really click with any of the gay chicks, so I never got the chance to be with a woman in college. After school I moved to the city and I feel like I am way behind the other lesbians who have all been dating women for years. I’m still trying to make it to the second date with a woman and I’m feeling embarrassed about the fact that I’ve never had sex. I’m not sure when to bring that up and I worry that telling women I’m out with that I’ve never had a girlfriend will turn them off. I want a girlfriend and I want to lose my virginity. Is there a right time, place, or way to tell women that I’m new at all this, but really eager to dive in?
-Late Bloomer
Hey Late Bloomer,
I understand why you are reluctant to disclose your v-status to lesbians in your community. It can be difficult when you are the new gal in town, everyone at the vegan cat cafe seems so comfortable with one another and themselves, and you aren’t there yet. So let’s get you feeling more comfortable navigating dates and finding that first girlfriend!
I wonder if you’re putting out signals that you’re new at this… or failing to pick up on signals that the flirty femme is giving you. You don’t quite know the social cues, dating rules, or queer etiquette. You know you don’t know them… but you aren’t going to learn them until you have experiences and ask questions.
Some lesbians are weird about dating girls who haven’t “been with a girl” yet. Some fear that the virgin lesbian will imprint on them like an awkward baby duckling, follow them around and pressure them to get into a relationship. It can help to be aware of this dynamic so you’re aware of what not to do (or how not to act) when you disclose.
I’d encourage you to put something vague in your online dating profiles – say, you’re “looking to take it slow right now.” This will let women know you’re not after a one-night stand and friends with benefits situation, where you might be pressured into having sex before you’re ready. It will also help you find women who are more like you, or more open to taking things slow.
On dates, conversation will inevitably turn to past dating experience. Be honest when the topic comes up. Say, for instance, that you dated a guy in college and it helped you realize you were a lesbian. Then add something like, “But my college was really small — so I never got to act on it!” Be upbeat and present your story like it’s normal (it is! it’s your normal) and not like it’s something to be ashamed of.
You don’t need to disclose to everyone you go out with – if the sparks aren’t there or the topic doesn’t come up, don’t force it. But the more you tell this to women, observe their reactions, and tweak your delivery, the more comfortable you will be telling your story when it matters.
Don’t try to hide your virginity or think you can “get away with” not telling her until after you’ve done it. You’ll feel better being intimate when you aren’t hyper-focused on whether you’re touching her in the right way or if you’re “doing sex wrong.” You can relax, enjoy things however they unfold, and maybe even be guided by your more experienced gal pal into touching her in just the right way.
There are plenty of late bloomers and plenty of people who are virgins into their twenties and even their thirties. Especially in the gay community. Some lesbians might not want to date you once you disclose. Some might question how you know you’re really gay or worry that you’ll go out with them and then go back to dating guys. All this tells you is, they aren’t the right person for you.
Examine your finances and your options. If you’re leaving for law school in six months, you can suck it up and find a sublet. You can move back home. You can couch-surf. You will find a way to make it work, because right now it’s not working for either of you.
Take a hard look at your expenses and income focusing on the short term, since things will change once you go to school. Can you pick up a side hustle to make extra cash? Maybe you spend an hour after work every day as an Uber driver until you’ve set aside what you need to put a deposit, first, and last down on a new apartment.
Can you make money getting rid of stuff you won’t want to take with you when you move for law school? Do you have a credit card you can use in the short term so you can move out quickly?
Now maybe you can’t do these things – or at least, not without making your girlfriend suspicious. In this case you’ll need to have The Talk and figure out an immediate place you can decamp (like your bestie’s house).
Be clear and compassionate when you end things. Don’t go into detail telling your girlfriend all the reasons why you aren’t compatible (again, don’t salt her wounds). Don’t cop out and move all your things out while she’s at work or break up via text.
Divvy up the possessions and untangle your financial obligations. If you bought furniture for your apartment together, determine who keeps what or request she buy you out. If you owe anything for utilities, pay it. Be as generous as you can afford to be here; it’s not worth it to squabble over a television set.
This is going to be difficult, but if you can move through this with kindness toward yourself and your ex, your load will lighten. Ultimately you know this is the right decision for both of you. Hold onto that knowledge during the difficult moments.
Do you have a burning question for Lindsey? Email our Editor and write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line at [email protected]
There are plenty of late bloomers and plenty of people who are virgins into their twenties and even their thirties. Especially in the gay community. Some lesbians might not want to date you once you disclose. Some might question how you know you’re really gay or worry that you’ll go out with them and then go back to dating guys. All this tells you is, they aren’t the right person for you.
The right girl for you will be accepting of where you are and willing to take things at your pace. As long as you feel comfortable with her, you can hop into bed on that second date or wait until you are ready, however long that takes.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years. We moved in together 6 months ago when her lease was up, and I realized pretty quickly that we may be compatible sexually, but we are not compatible relationship-wise. She’s a neat freak and I’m a slob, she’s a couch potato and I’m a triathlete, she loves horror movies and I can’t stand them, she is happy with her repetitive data entry job and I’m studying for the LSATs, she wants to have kids and be a stay-at-home mom and I am on the fence about kids, she has cats and I’m allergic to them… etc. I could go on. Basically, we really have fireworks in the bedroom and I guess I let that blind me to the ways that we aren’t really right for one another. Now that we are living together, it’s in my face and I find myself worrying that I’m wasting the end of my twenties living with this woman who isn’t the one and it will make it harder for me (or her) to find the right person. I thought living together would bring us closer together but it’s done the opposite. I realize I can’t change the things about her that I don’t like just as I can’t change myself to be more like her.
Obviously we should break up – I’m resolved on that. Unfortunately, my life circumstances are going to make it hard for me to leave her. I work at a coffee shop, I don’t have benefits, and I don’t work enough to afford my own place — we moved in because I was sick of living with randoms. I really don’t want to go back to living with randoms especially since I am applying to law school and I may need to move to go to school. Should I stay put until I’m in school then break up when I leave? Should I suck it up for the sake of sanity, leave her now, and find a cheap sublet? I want to get out and move forward with my life, but I don’t know how.
-Stuck
Stuck,
You gotta get out. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more harm you’ll do your partner and the more unhappy you’ll become. If you care about this woman, end things now.
Do not talk about staying together until you get your acceptance letter, or until you get more hours at the cafe, or until anything at all.
I was dumped once the week after New Year’s. My girlfriend had celebrated Christmas with me, then New Year’s, then she dumped me. I was devastated. It hurt worse to know that we’d celebrated these holidays together and the whole while she’d been planning to break up with me but decided to wait until after the holidays like it would be nicer. It made the month before feel like a lie.
Trust me when I say that it will salt your girlfriend’s wounds if she has to wonder whether you were planning this all along. It’s the kinder thing to do it now, even if it inconveniences your lifestyle. So let’s talk about how you’re going to do this.
Examine your finances and your options. If you’re leaving for law school in six months, you can suck it up and find a sublet. You can move back home. You can couch-surf. You will find a way to make it work, because right now it’s not working for either of you.
Examine your finances and your options. If you’re leaving for law school in six months, you can suck it up and find a sublet. You can move back home. You can couch-surf. You will find a way to make it work, because right now it’s not working for either of you.
Take a hard look at your expenses and income focusing on the short term, since things will change once you go to school. Can you pick up a side hustle to make extra cash? Maybe you spend an hour after work every day as an Uber driver until you’ve set aside what you need to put a deposit, first, and last down on a new apartment.
Can you make money getting rid of stuff you won’t want to take with you when you move for law school? Do you have a credit card you can use in the short term so you can move out quickly?
Now maybe you can’t do these things – or at least, not without making your girlfriend suspicious. In this case you’ll need to have The Talk and figure out an immediate place you can decamp (like your bestie’s house).
Be clear and compassionate when you end things. Don’t go into detail telling your girlfriend all the reasons why you aren’t compatible (again, don’t salt her wounds). Don’t cop out and move all your things out while she’s at work or break up via text.
Divvy up the possessions and untangle your financial obligations. If you bought furniture for your apartment together, determine who keeps what or request she buy you out. If you owe anything for utilities, pay it. Be as generous as you can afford to be here; it’s not worth it to squabble over a television set.
This is going to be difficult, but if you can move through this with kindness toward yourself and your ex, your load will lighten. Ultimately you know this is the right decision for both of you. Hold onto that knowledge during the difficult moments.
Do you have a burning question for Lindsey? Email our Editor and write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line at [email protected]
