The Hook Up: Beersexuals and rules for dating a friend’s ex



A few years ago I had a crush on my best friend and when I told her, her reaction was “No offense, but that’s disgusting.” Since then I’ve been very hesitant to pursue any relationship. Recently there’s been this other girl I really like; she’s cool and smart and generally fun to be around. Anyway, she believes that she’s bisexual, not because she’s ever been attracted to a girl, but because she believes that everyone is bisexual, they just have varying levels of attraction.

Her first kiss was with a girl, but that was only to mess with a guy. On the topic of guys, she loves them, but her relationships are mainly flirting with them until they become clingy and then running away. Personally, I feel like she’s straight, just very stubborn, I also think she has relationship issues, and she has admitted to me that she only likes people until they like her. Knowing all this, I still like her, and I really don’t know what to do here. Please help.

Anna says: Before we get to your problem, let’s clear up the fact that not everyone is bisexual. This is a misconception that started with Freud, was bolstered by Kinsey, and now is mostly spread through Yahoo! Answers forums. Despite my ardent wish that Beyonce someday see the light (or at least respond to my tweets!), sexuality is far more complicated than what could be expressed in a three word platitude.

Secondly, I’m sorry your best friend is cruel and generally tactless. Of all the ways to let someone down, calling them “disgusting” is not only childish and mean, but also unnecessary. Seriously, that’s the kind of remark a seventh-grader makes. So if she was 13 when she said it, I can forgive her, but otherwise, I’d take a long, hard look at whether this particular “friendship” is doing you more harm than good.

But also, please don’t listen to her. I know it’s hard not to internalize the spectacular crap stew that is “dating,” but you can’t let one dumb comment stop you from pursuing the fulfilling relationships that you deserve, as we talked about a few week’s ago.

On to your confused friend crush! From what you’ve described, this doesn’t sound like the girl for you. As a general rule, I advocate avoiding beersexuals, which you’ll remember from The Lezicon, means a girl who makes out with girls under the influence and/or to turn men on. This isn’t to say that your friend isn’t bi—no one really knows that but her— but she’s definitely got some wonky ideas about sexuality (and definitely some low self-esteem issues) that she needs to work out before trying to mack on any ladies in earnest, specifically you. And if her experiences with men are any indication of how she deals with relationships, I’m not sure why you’d want to go down that road anyway. Clingy? Tends to run away? Only liking people after she knows they like her? Are those traits you would use to describe your ideal lady, my friend? I’m gonna venture a guess that you would not.

Keep your relationship with this girl platonic and uncomplicated. It sounds like what she really needs is a friend with a good head on her shoulders, and for that role, you have my enthusiastic permission.

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