Lesbianing With AE: “I’m In a Secret BDSM Relationship”

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Dear Lindsey, 

I’m in a secret BDSM relationship. This was something I wanted to explore for years and it’s my first time allowing a hot butch woman to dominate me. I really love the dynamic we have together, but I haven’t told my friends about this side of me. My top lives in another city that’s an hour away, and I always travel to her place for play dates. That’s part of the reason I haven’t told my friends but honestly the bigger part is I’m worried they’re not going to get it. They’re pretty vanilla. I’m afraid I’m going to have to tell them soon because we’re all going to a spa for a girls weekend as part of my friend’s 25th birthday, and I’ve got major bruises that aren’t going to heal in time. What’s the right way to disclose that I’m a bottom who’s super into kinky sex without totally weirding out the vibe for my friend’s party?

– Proudly Bruised  

Dear Proudly Bruised,

There are plenty of plausible reasons for having massive bruises. A pickup rugby game, roller derby tryouts, overzealous pets or toddlers, a bad fall off your bike, or plain old being clumsy AF. But it sounds like you don’t want to offer up excuses. Your bruises are massive and you don’t want to explain them — or that part of yourself — away any longer.

Your kink side is pretty compartmentalized right now. You’ve got a hot butch in another city. You play in her city. You’re out as a kinky lesbian in her city. Your friends know nothing about this side of you, which means that you can’t tell them about your hot sex or your feelings for this woman. Those bruises give you what it sounds like you’ve been waiting for, which is a reason to come out as kinky.

As for when and how to do that, I’d go for casual. Something like, “Hey, before the big spa party I wanted to let you know I’ve got a few bruises on my thighs. They look pretty bad, but they’re actually play marks from someone I’m dating–we’ve gotten into BDSM.”

That’s all you need to say. Your friends don’t need to know that you’re the sub, they don’t need to know what props you use, and they don’t need to know about the play parties you go to–unless they ask, and unless you feel comfortable telling them.

That’s your general rule here. Only tell them what you feel comfortable telling them. If you’d rather say “rough sex” instead of BDSM, do you. If you want to say kinky, do you.

This is a fun relationship you enjoy, so you want to present it that way—rather than go for serious and leave your friends wondering if they need to plan an intervention. You never know, your friends might not be as vanilla as you think.

This is a fun relationship you enjoy, so you want to present it that way—rather than go for serious and leave your friends wondering if they need to plan an intervention. You never know, your friends might not be as vanilla as you think.

Whatever you decide to say, don’t steal the spotlight away from your friend. Give your heads up ahead of time rather than on your girls’ weekend. This gives your friends some time to process it, and it gives YOU more time to feel comfortable with your big disclosure.

That’s how you tell your pals, but from your question, it doesn’t sound like you 100 percent want to tell them – just that you’re afraid you’re going to need to from how it looks. You’re under no obligation to come out as kinky or disclose your bruises. Even if your friend asks what that’s about. Even if you tell a lie about it.

Going forward, you and your dom might want to implement some aftercare to your play scenes. If you bruise super easily, it’s always smart to ice after an intense scene and for 15 minutes off and on for up to two days after. After the 48-hour mark, you can apply heat packs to speed up the cellular healing and arnica gel to help the bruises fade faster.

Better planning with your dom will help you avoid getting into this situation again if say, you’d rather not explain to all the guests at your friend’s wedding why your arms are covered with scratches and bruises. You have every right as a sub to set up boundaries for where and when your play partner can bruise, bite, or scrape you and when and when that’s off limits. It sounds like your current dom is good about respecting things and this is more a case of oversight, but if not, take care of yourself.

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