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Dear Lindsey,
I’ve been on a journey for the last year. While my partner has been super supportive I’m at the point in my journey where I see ways she is struggling and I want to get her help. A year ago I was super depressed, avoiding things that used to make me happy, and overeating just to feel joy. I wasn’t interested in sex or romance. With the last bit of energy I had I started working to get out of depression and I kept trying different things that would make me feel good. I changed my diet and cut out gluten and sugar, I started taking muay thai classes, and I made some friends at my gym who got me into social runs. So now my weekends are like me getting up early to train, run, then chill with green juice. I have a lot of energy and the sex is back and better than ever. But in so many other ways we’re drifting apart. My partner keeps eating processed foods I can’t eat. She hates physical activity – she will barely even do something like a walk in the neighborhood when I get home from work. How can I encourage her to adopt some of the habits that have made me a happier person? I don’t need her to quit eating sugar, or give up tv, but I know she would have more energy and be happier if she changed her habits.
-Don’t Want to Nag
Dear Don’t Want to Nag,
The short answer is: You can’t.
You can’t change someone.
You can’t make your girlfriend embrace physical activity or give up gluten or do anything she doesn’t want to do.
It sucks to hear that when you’ve been on a personal transformation journey and you’re high on endorphins from a charity 5K where you got your best time ever and celebrate with açaí bowls with your new healthy friends and you come home and she’s sitting on the sofa Netflix and chilling with the Colonel.
The sex may be good because you’re into it again — it’s hard to feel up for it when you’re fighting depression — but everything else is getting worse by the week, it sounds like. The more you drink the green juice, the more you want to change your life, but your partner is not keeping up with you. She shows no interest, it sounds like.
The more you drink the green juice, the more you want to change your life, but your partner is not keeping up with you.Couples don’t need to have the same interests to stay together, but it helps when there are things you like to do together and when you support one another. She isn’t supporting you, and you don’t want to support where she is at in her journey, you want to drag her to where you are so you can be compatible the way you used to. Sure, you’re eating clean and mentally well and I’m happy for you, but your girlfriend is an independent adult human who gets to make her own choices and take responsibility for those choices. Your choices may be better than hers, from a general health perspective, but the minute you start preaching about it, you lose her. Sure, you’re eating clean and mentally well and I’m happy for you, but your girlfriend is an independent adult human who gets to make her own choices and take responsibility for those choices. Your choices may be better than hers, from a general health perspective, but the minute you start preaching about it, you lose her. If you think she wants to change but doesn’t know where or how to start, then sure, extend a hand. But you’ll need to take it where she is at, not where you are. You’re light years from cutting sugar from her diet, which you recognize.
Where you are is, maybe, you two walk around the block every night before dinner. Or you cook Meatless Monday dinners that are her comfort foods disguised without the processed ingredients. Like cauliflower mac and cheese instead of the real deal. Honestly talking to her about what she wants and needs, how she sees herself living her best life, and how you can be an ally in her journey. You support her from a place of compassion and love and acceptance that her journey does not need to look like yours to be successful.
If you can’t take things at her pace and love her where she is, or if you find yourself wanting someone who aligns with the shifts you have made in your personal life, then the kindest thing you can do is end your relationship.
You are also free to decide that you don’t want to do the work of fixing your relationship. You two have grown apart. You’ve been growing apart for the last year. The relationship doesn’t have to limp along on life support for another 9 months before you realize that she isn’t interested in extreme diets or intense workouts and she is never going to be, and that you want someone who gets the new you.
The relationship doesn’t have to limp along on life support for another 9 months before you realize that she isn’t interested in extreme diets or intense workouts and she is never going to be, and that you want someone who gets the new you.There are plenty of gay women who love to work out and eat clean. You can find one of them and spend your time investing in a person who shares your ideals and values and who enjoys doing a few of the same things as you.
