Lesbianing With AE! What to Do When She’s Insensitive (Down There)

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Today Lindsey answers a reader’s question about clit insensitivity

Dear Lindsey:

Good evening, thank you for all the great tips and advice you give!

I am in a serious relationship with a girl that has never been with another girl before, and I am dealing with a scenario that is a first for me: she has little to no sensitivity either in her breasts or in her clit.

Going down on her rarely makes her feel enough to get her to come and I’m honestly at the point when I feel guilty out of any pleasure she gives me because it feels unfair.

I’ve never used toys before, but I’m starting to wonder if they could help out in making her feel good and enjoy our times together.

Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated!

– Depressed Soul

Dear Depressed Soul,

Some women have more sensitive nipples than others. Nerve endings, breast size, and hormones all play a role in this. PMS can make nipples more sensitive, so it might be worth it to play around just before her time of the month and see if it feels different to her.

Clits are similar, but clit insensitivity or oversensitivity are both common. They have common operating principles but, as you’re finding out now, the rules do not apply across the board. Your girlfriend’s clit is not that sensitive. There are physical and psychological reasons for that. If her clit (the tiny portion that is visible that is) is smaller than average, it might be harder for her to reach orgasm because there’s less tissue there to rub. Clits covered by large hoods are often less sensitive, so she may require a good deal more pressure than your tongue can provide. Abuse or trauma survivors may not have as much sensation as other women. 

The TLDR is that your girlfriend doesn’t work quite like all the other women you’ve been with, and you’re depressed and bothered by it when this really isn’t something to get all depressed about.

Depression is going to make your girlfriend feel worse about something that she can’t necessarily help, because it’s how her body is wired.

Try to see the opportunity in it. Your girlfriend is not like the other women you have been with, and so you get to enlarge your repertoire in the bedroom. You are gonna level up your sex game because the techniques you rely on don’t work for her. You might find some fun new things you super enjoy and would otherwise never have known about. You could have hotter, better sex than you have before! There is so much to gain out of accepting what is, letting go of what you think should happen, and focusing on finding ways you both can feel good.

Depression is going to make your girlfriend feel worse about something that she can’t necessarily help, because it’s how her body is wired.

Ask your girlfriend what activities she most enjoys and what makes her feel the absolute best in bed. Keep the focus on her pleasure, regardless of any sort of goalpost like whether or not she comes. 

If she’s been sexual with guy partners, she will have a good idea of whether a dildo will feel pleasurable to her. She might want a vibrator, which can provide focused and more intense clitoral stimulation than your hand can, and won’t cramp up. Also remember that most of the clit is internal, and those nerve endings aren’t going to be readily stimulated by your  fingers or tongue.

Also, remember that most of the clit is internal, and those nerve endings aren’t going to be readily stimulated by your fingers or tongue.

Let her take the lead in telling you what has worked for her in the past, what has not worked, and what she would like to try. Suggest to her that she exercise (as that increases blood flow to the clit, thus priming that orgasm pump), that you try using toys, and that you are open to trying whatever she would like to try in bed.

If she hasn’t had much or any sexual experience, then she may not know what works for her – thus not be able to communicate it to you. If that’s the case, then you can implement your suggestions, evaluate, and go from there.

Cliteracy is Here to Stay

My general advice for you is to try new things. How you interpret that is really up to you two. That could mean sex toys. It could mean you focus on new sex positions or target different parts of her anatomy – like g-spot stimulation, for one.

I bet your girlfriend senses that you’re frustrated with her infrequent orgasms and that can ratchet up her performance anxiety. Whether you decide sex toys are a good next step, you’ll have better results if you take the pressure off, take direction from her, and embrace the intimacy you’re enjoying without measuring orgasms to mark whether the sex to be successful.

Your girlfriend doesn’t need to come for sex to be successful. She may be having plenty of fun getting to know your body.


Have a question for Lindsey? Email [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line, and she’ll answer in a future post.