Lesbianing With AE: Butch on the Streets, Switch in the Sheets?

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Butch on the streets, switch in the sheets? 

Dear Lindsey, 

I’ve been seeing this woman for a few weeks, let’s call her Jess. Jess is hot and sweet and I am really enjoying getting to know her. I am more masculine, kind of a soft butch, and she is a really girly girl who likes it when I play the strong one and do things for her. She likes to play up my butchness by complimenting me when I wear something more androgynous or suggesting I put on a tie, which I do sometimes and that’s fine, but her focus on it is strange to me. The problem is, she is sort of selfish in the bedroom and really into gender roles. I love pleasing her, don’t get me wrong, but I want some attention too. When we have sex, I have tried to position her hand down there so she is touching me, too, but she doesn’t seem that into it. After she comes she gets super tired and cuddly. I think this could go somewhere, but only if the playing field levels out a little. How do I get my needs met in the bedroom while still being the sweet butch who could steal her heart? 

– Switch

 

Hey Switch,

Some lesbians are really into gender roles and some aren’t. It sounds like Jess is one of those high femme lesbians who wants to date a butch, and that you are sort of open to being the butch of her dreams if she can be more equal in the bedroom.

She may be assuming that you are a top who isn’t that into being touched because the butches she has dated in the past lean that way. Be upfront about your needs and wants before you hop in the bedroom. This could be as casual as sending her a flirty text suggesting what you’d like to do to her….with a note that you want it to be reciprocal…..or it could be a full on lesbian processing session. 

She may be assuming that you are a top who isn’t that into being touched because the butches she has dated in the past lean that way. Be upfront about your needs and wants before you hop in the bedroom. This could be as casual as sending her a flirty text suggesting what you’d like to do to her….with a note that you want it to be reciprocal…..or it could be a full on lesbian processing session.

Things are still new between you two, which means there is room to clear up behaviors before they become habitual. Keep seeing her and keep standing up for your needs, whether it’s with physical cues or conversation. If she is the sort of woman who can give you what you need, she will start to shift her behaviors in the bedroom.

If she keeps playing obtuse, she’s told you all you need to know: Butch-femme roles are her major turn-on, and it’s a non-negotiable for her. If that’s the case, thank the universe that you found out a few weeks in, cut your losses, and move on to finding a partner who is willing to appreciate all your masculine qualities and throw you down in the bedroom.

If she keeps playing obtuse, she’s told you all you need to know: Butch-femme roles are her major turn-on, and it’s a non-negotiable for her. If that’s the case, thank the universe that you found out a few weeks in, cut your losses, and move on to finding a partner who is willing to appreciate all your masculine qualities and throw you down in the bedroom.

It does sound a bit like Jess is trying to change who you are — and that is a major red flag. Ask yourself if she sees you and likes you for you, or if she only likes the butched-up, gender play version of you. You deserve a girlfriend who likes you for you, full stop — not someone who would like you more if you dressed more masculine or fucked her with a strap-on.

If you feel like she is purposefully not picking up your cues (by moving her hand) or she keeps affirming your masculine qualities while ignoring your softer side, this may not be a great match long-term.

There are femmes out there who love to give as well as receive. Femmes who think it’s hot to flip the script. Femmes who get tired of the pillow princess stereotype and look forward to working to make you feel as good as you make them feel. Look for one of them.


Do you need Lindsey’s advice? Send your question to [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.