Lesbianing with AE: How many dates does it take to know if she’s into you?

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I recently met a girl from an online dating app. She said hi to me, and always made the first move. We’ve been texting for a month or two. I’ve used dating apps for the past several years but haven’t had any success — specifically, this is the first time I’ve connected in real life with someone from the internet. So I’m not sure what to expect. Everything seemed to be very good at the first date. At the end of the day, she asked me out the next day to the beach with her. I went there and everything was also wonderful (except that I was very tired and nearly fell asleep in her car).

After the second date, we have not texted each other more frequently than before. We usually text each other like once in two days. But, many times when I invite her to something she keeps saying she’s interested, but not really confirming, and then she doesn’t show up to the event. Sometimes I can see she went out somewhere else instead, like she’ll post about it on Instagram.

I know we are not girlfriends, so that is totally her right. But that triggered me to do a bit of cyber stalking, so I could learn if she is gay. Because there is no gay-related content on her Instagram/Twitter/tumblr!

On the third date, I asked to add her on Facebook. On her Facebook, it says “interested in men” right there openly. Lately, she doesn’t seem to care much what is going on with me, except texting me to invite me out with her. Is this normal for online dating? I also have no clue.

I am writing to you because I don’t have any lesbian friends who have experience with online dating. Only my straight female friends have done online dating. Can I get any advice on how to deal with her? I hesitate to ask her, and none of my friends suggest what I should do.

– Confused

OK, so you met a girl online and started chatting. Then you had two back to back dates including a beach trip, then you went back to texting occasionally, and then you recently saw her in person for a third time.

Here’s what’s happening: You’re not dating her. You’re hanging out. Probably platonically. Does that mean she’s straight? Not necessarily.

The longer explanation, or here’s how online dating works: When you chat online without meeting someone right away, you nurture feelings for the fantasy of them. You don’t actually know them.

I always recommend meeting in person quickly if you find someone that interests you, because then you can see if there’s chemistry. The two of you dragged it out and got over-invested as a result.

Then you met. And the first data was awkward because, hell, they usually are and you have never dated anyone online, maybe anyone ever. I’m not sure. So then you went out again, like the next day, because why not? You hung out at the beach and it was fun and she made some sort of moves on you, maybe even as simple as being more outgoing than you.

Did you kiss?

“Did you kiss” is almost always the way to tell whether something is a date, or whether someone likes you. Almost always because there are a few legit reasons why you might not kiss someone on a date (like, they have strep throat). If you weren’t physically intimate in any way, then it wasn’t a date in her mind. It really is that simple when it comes to dating.

“Did you kiss” is almost always the way to tell whether something is a date, or whether someone likes you. Almost always because there are a few legit reasons why you might not kiss someone on a date (like, they have strep throat). If you weren’t physically intimate in any way, then it wasn’t a date in her mind.

Unfortunately, women aren’t the best at being clear communicators. My guess is, this woman likes something about you but she isn’t into you that way.

Is she into men? Who knows. Facebook doesn’t know that I’m in a relationship, much less married, which tells you that we aren’t all oversharing on social media. She might be a private person, or a closeted person, or a bi person (thus not lying about being into men) or closeted or confused or thinking of you only as a friend.

You need to find out if she is interested in dating you. The simplest way to find out is to say, “Are you interested in going with me to this random art opening/music show/walk in the park? As a date?”

If she can’t answer your question directly, you have your answer – no.

My question back to you is, why are you interested in dating this girl? You may be new at online dating, but even rookie lesbians deserve someone who is comfortable enough with themselves to show sustained interest in someone, be forthright if the interest isn’t there and they wants to be friends, and doesn’t like to string people along.

Cause that’s what this girl is doing. Whether’s she gay, straight, bi, queer, demi, pan, or doesn’t believe in labels. She’s stringing you along because she gets something from having you a quick text away. Hop back on those apps and look for someone who’s interested and interested in you – and date her instead.