Lesbian Sex 101: Here’s why she’s doing that.

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Dear Lindsey,

My girlfriend is always pushing me off her right before she comes. It doesn’t matter if I’m fingering her or going down on her – she tenses up and makes me stop. I want to be respectful but I really want her to come. She won’t tell me what she’s thinking and she always says the sex is great, but I want to give her the same pleasure she gives me. What’s going on?

– Confused

Dear Confused,

It sounds like your girlfriend is highly sensitive.

Some women become very sensitive when they’re aroused or close to orgasm, to the point where direct clitoral stimulation (if that’s what you’re doing) is too painful.

If you can tell when she is about to push you off, you might use less pressure or go slower to take the edge off of what you’re doing. You might shift over to the side for indirect stimulation. Changing up what you’re doing might allow your girlfriend to take a bit more pleasure before she comes. Right before she pushes you away, distract her with a kiss or ask her what she wants and then give that to her.

Right before she pushes you away, distract her with a kiss or ask her what she wants and then give that to her.

For some women, mental conditioning plays a role. If your girlfriend struggles with any negative feelings about sex (and let’s be real – who hasn’t at some point?) then they could be surfacing right as it all starts to come together for her. She might wish you were doing something just a bit different than what you re doing, yet not feel super comfortable asking for what she wants. She could feel guilty over having sex or have some unresolved internal shame about her sexuality, her body, or something else.

If there are times when she hasn’t pushed you off because she’s been really into it, and/or you both got a little stoned, and/or she was super horny, then it could be something mental rather than physical. If that’s the case, I’d try to help her relax and get out of her head during sex.

If there are times when she hasn’t pushed you off because she’s been really into it, and/or you both got a little stoned, and/or she was super horny, then it could be something mental rather than physical. If that’s the case, I’d try to help her relax and get out of her head during sex.

She might also be having an orgasm, and then pushing you off when she has finished because the stimulation is too intense once she’s orgasmed.

There are lots of reasons for her behavior. You aren’t a mind reader, so to understand what’s happening in her head or her body, you’re gonna need to ask her.

Before you do that, remind yourself that orgasms aren’t everything – although they’re often made out to be. If you’re having fun touching her, she’s enjoying the way you make her feel, and your relationship is in a good place, then you’re doing a lot of things right. If there’s nothing more she wants you to be doing, then keep having the sex you’re having, focus on the amazing orgasms you have and the compliments she gives you, and relax about it.


Do you need Lindsey’s advice? Write to the editor here: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

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