Dear Afterellen, I’m engaged to a wonderful woman who I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with except we have one recurring issue and I’m afraid it will continue to drive a wedge in our relationship. At the beginning of our relationship we would have sex all the time, every day if possible. I’ve continued to have an extremely high sex drive over the 6 years we’ve been together but hers has drastically slowed down to the point that last year we only had sex about 15 times. I find myself getting frustrated and a little insecure that I want to have sex more than she does. We have talked about it and agreed on a middle ground of sex once per week but I’m still feeling a little insecure and unsatisfied with how we initiate our sexual encounters. She makes it seem more like a chore and like “scheduled” sex. I want passion to ignite it not an agreement to dictate it. I’ve tried different ways to get her turned on like dressing up but it often doesn’t work. I would love for her to initiate or make an effort towards our sex life as well but she seems uninterested. How do we overcome our incompatible sex drives so we don’t fall victim to the lesbian bed death trope? Sexually Frustrated Dear Sexually Frustrated, You say “I want passion to ignite it not an agreement to dictate it,” and yet you’ve just explained that you DO have an agreement, which is to have sex once a week. So first, let’s recognize that you no longer have spontaneous daily or even weekly sex, and you want to move toward normalizing it. I hear you that a schedule doesn’t “sound” sexy, but here’s the thing – it can actually work well to hold the space for intimacy in your relationship, and it may help your lower libido partner psych herself up to get down if she knows that, say, you celebrate Hump Day as intended. I hear your frustration, but I have to ask, how does your partner feel? You say you had daily sex when you first got together, but over the last 6 years things have slowed down to not-even-twice-monthly. Is the push to revitalize your sex life coming from both of you, or is it one-sided? Is there anything going on for her that would zap her interest in sex, whether it’s stress, weight gain, or hormones? If you can’t answer these questions, then that’s where you need to start. Approach the issue from curiosity rather than a place of judgment. Ask your partner what she wants — and what shuts her down. Own your judgments and expectations and how those might be working against your goal.
Approach the issue from curiosity rather than a place of judgment. Ask your partner what she wants — and what shuts her down. Own your judgments and expectations and how those might be working against your goal.If she’s enthusiastically wanting more frequent sex, ( and here are a few helpful lesbian sex, tips in this post) then setting aside time for it can help you two put aside work or social media or grad school and make that time for one another that you automatically made when things were new. You might also spend time fantasizing about the hottest sex you had in your early days, great sex from girlfriends past, or things you always meant to try but never did. Or take a romantic long weekend and hardly leave your B&B. Not only can this ease you both into more frequent sex, it can give you a bucket list that’s full of things you are both interested in. Sex tends to slow down in a long-term relationship because you get used to one another. You know how to make her come, she knows where to touch you, you’ve got a roster of favorite positions/props/days of the week. Any little way you can recreate the mystery of early sex will help you two find a new groove.
Sex tends to slow down in a long-term relationship because you get used to one another. You know how to make her come, she knows where to touch you, you’ve got a roster of favorite positions/props/days of the week. Any little way you can recreate the mystery of early sex will help you two find a new groove.But honestly, I don’t think you would be writing me if she were as game for this as you-I think you’d be getting it on, or talking about how to get it on. I’ve been on both sides of the mixed libido play party, and I’m pretty sure she’s not actively wanting more sex the same way you are. She could be caving to your pressure or societal expectations on avoiding the dreaded LBD, or saying yes (when she means meh to no) out of fear of losing you. Let’s say you succeed at your goal over the next 12 months, you would have sex 48 times versus your 15 from the last year – which would be more than tripling your present sex life. For you, that’d be great. For your partner? If she is reluctant about the agreement, she may start to withhold or pull back, either during your prescribed sex dates or elsewhere in the relationship. For a low-libido partner, it sucks to feel like you’re the one holding back your partner from something they want when that thing they want is literally the last thing you want to do. That pressure can then impact her attitude going into your prescribed sex date, which can make the sex less good for her, which can then create more negative expectations. Add the pressure you are expressing here where you want her to initiate the sex she is totally fine not having (otherwise you’d be fucking like you did in the honeymoon phase) and I really hope you see the crushing pile of expectations you’ve laid on your partner.
For a low-libido partner, it sucks to feel like you’re the one holding back your partner from something they want when that thing they want is literally the last thing you want to do.The TLDR here is that she might not be responding to your cute outfit because she is not in the mood and she is tired of telling you no, and she is pretty sure that if she tells you no you two are gonna have a fight or you’re going to be passive aggressive and, girl, she is TIRED. I encourage you to take your own edge off by masturbating. Sure, it’s not as fun as partnered sex but it beats the hell out of putting yourself out there to be rebuffed by Ms. Not-Now-Not-Ever. When you’re getting some of your needs met yourself, you will probably be less cranky, less needy, and less inclined to feel inadequate. As you stop turning to your girlfriend for all your sexual needs (and, you know, are more pleasant to around cause orgasms = dopamine), she may meet you in the middle by initiating sex or picking up the signals you are throwing down. If you’re not into masturbating, try to get yourself at least halfway there on your own. Read something smutty, play your favorite fantasy reel, rub one out, and then have your girlfriend wander into the bedroom to offer some hands-on assistance in getting you the rest of the way there. if a little fingerbanging will make you feel loved and appreciated and she knows that’s all she has to do, she may be totally willing. I’m all for you having your sexual needs met, but if you want passion and not dictation, rethink your approach and take some responsibility for your higher sex drive. Good luck!
