Over the last year, my libido has totally vanished. I lost my relationship, I finished a master’s program, I had to take care of my roommate after he suffered a freak accident during crossfit and needed surgery….all to say, I had a lot on my plate and I wasn’t really surprised that I wasn’t in a sexy mood. Life has calmed down, and I’d really like to get my libido back but from a physical standpoint there is nothing there. I’ve tried watching porn but it feels so fake and gross, and yes I’ve tried things like CrashPad, I’ve tried reading lesbian erotica, which works sometimes, I’ve tried dating in the hopes of meeting a total babe who gets me hot…. Each time something doesn’t work I get more depressed and hopeless about my sexless future.
-Too Young to be Celibate Forever
Hey Too Young,
So you need your libido to catch up to your lifestyle now that the chaos is over. From the tone of your question, I wonder if you are beating yourself up about your mood – namely your trouble getting into the mood.
Libidos can be temperamental little buggers, especially when you’re recovering from a series of stressors. Getting mad at yourself because the porn you watched didn’t do it for you not only doesn’t help you in the moment, but it can make it more challenging the next time you try getting sexy, because some part of your brain remembers the pressure.
So. Tone down the self-loathing talk. You’ll have better luck if you approach your missing libido from a loving place.
I might actually back up from the libido and nurture your whole self for a bit. Spend a couple weeks doing you.
During your stressful period, what positive habits did you let drop? What negative habits did you take on? Now is the time to get back to doing what makes you feel good inside and out, so take luxurious baths, go to spin class, get your nails done, give the house a good clean. Whatever makes you feel good (and is legal and moral, within reason) – do those things. Allow yourself to feel ALL THE JOY.
Then move forward with the hunt for your vanished libido.
If reading erotica works sometimes, keep reading erotica. Learn what type of stories get you in the mood and read those. Preferably with a sex toy in hand. Possibly with some weed or a glass of wine to relax that judgmental mind. When you start getting all tingly, touch yourself – not with the focus of having an orgasm, though if it happens that’s great. Keep your focus on giving and accepting pleasure.
Some women feel sexy in a silk robe or lacy lingerie. If that’s you, treat yourself to something new and wear it around the house. Daydream about the kind of sex you’d like to have with the type of lady you would like to sleep with.
Work out, by which I mean move your body in ways that feel joyful to you. The more you naturally move your body, the more comfortable you’ll feel – and that translates to feeling sexy, too. Or give yourself a massage with scented oil.
Nourish your body with natural aphrodisiacs – that could be oysters, chocolate, luscious fruit (like mango or watermelon), or red wine. Maca root boosts libido, as does oat, ashwaganda, and damiana. Visit your local woo store, apothecary, or fancy grocery store and stock up.
Be bolder in your experimentation with what makes you feel good in your body and take off the pressure to have orgasms – and your libido will come back. For some it’s a fast process, for others not so much.
Also? If it doesn’t you might wanna get your hormones checked.
Do you need some advice? Write us! Send your question to [email protected] and your question will be sent to the right woman for the job!