Not being over your ex shouldn’t mean ditching Pride. Lindsey weighs in.
Pride month is coming up and I need some help. Last year I was in a relationship with a woman I thought was the one, until she broke it off by saying she wasn’t ready to settle down. She left the door open telling me maybe one day we’d find our way back together, and of course I believed it and have been pining for her like when Dana broke up with Alice and she went crazy. Anyway, I’ve been trying to get back out there and not wait for her, but my heart still has feelings. I am already dreading Pride thinking about how I’ll see her at the girl parties and the dyke march and wondering if she’ll have a new woman on her arm, or if I can get a date to Pride to make her jealous. I’ve brought it up with a couple of friends who try to brush off my concerns but they’re acting evasive which makes me think they know something I don’t. I want to have a good Pride this year and not be a shut-in at home crying all alone, but how do I hide my broken heart?
So many lesbians are standing by your side right now. We have all been there, taking way too long to get over an ex and holding out hope of getting back together.
Whether you will get back together in the long run remains to be seen, but as you’re finding out, that possibility can prevent you from moving on. Because until you reunite—and if you never do—you need to live your life!
And that means showing up at Pride.
Grab your social calendar and check out all the Pride events. Pick out the top three to five you’d like to attend and the ones you think your ex would most likely go to. Is there a drag brunch she’s all about? Great, you know where you won’t be going cause you’ll likely see her there. Were you always dragging her to social justice documentaries? Good thing, cause now you’re safe to show up alone. If you can identify a couple places where you can celebrate Pride with your guard down fairly certain you won’t have a run-in with her, then you’ve got some safe space.
Now for the big events where you’ll probably both be there. Tell some trusted friends—and maybe some folks in your friend circle who are more your friends than hers. Ask them if you can all go to the dyke march together and if they’ll run interference if you spot your ex. Interference could look like ditching the march for the closest bar, pulling you out of the crowd to give the ex a wide berth, or staying by your side all night so you’re not awkwardly alone for her to find you. By lining up those people now, you’ll take down your anxiety.
Your friends know what you’re going through and they will be more than happy to help you attend Pride in a way you feel comfortable. If the first people you ask are too self-centered around having their perfect Pride year, ask someone else. This is the perfect time to reach out to that loyal straight ally who wants to shimmy with gay guys, drink too much, and wear crazy clothes so take a straight friend to pride if your posse is reluctant.
Once you’ve got some Pride pals lined up, you can focus on building resilience and coming up with a plan for the inevitable encounter. This plan could look like:
• You GTFO of the party when she shows up
• You pretend like you just got a phone call and duck out to take a breather
• You bring a pocket flask for emergencies
• You decide to stay sober so you don’t make flawed decisions
• You put on your hottest, most prideful outfit to remind her what she’s missing – or catch the eye of another lady
Trust that you know what feels right for you. Right this year may mean you attend some of the big events but not others. Right may mean you check in with yourself at the event and leave without beating yourself up if you’re not having a good time.
Right doesn’t mean you pressure your friends into giving up info on your ex’s social life, or that you cruise the dating apps to find someone for a quick fling so you can show off a hot girl on your arm at the big pride parade. Take care of yourself and your needs without taking advantage of others.
Do you need Lindsey’s advice? Write to: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!