Lesbianing with AE: Help! She thinks my vibrator is a “penis substitute”

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Dear Lindsey,

I have a hard time getting off, and sometimes I use a vibrator. The problem? I just started seeing this girl and she got all offended when I brought out the vibe after we slept together. I told her I sometimes had a hard time orgasming with a new partner before we got in bed, and that was fine with her. But when I reached into the nightstand after getting her off, she left the bedroom. After I got myself off I went to find her and she was pouting in the living room wondering why she wasn’t “enough” for me and asking if I was really a lesbian if I needed to use a “penis substitute” to get myself off. What’s the big deal with using a vibrator?

-Gold Star in Need of Help

Hey Gold Star,

Sorry about your new girl! I mean, the girl you were briefly seeing before you wised up and dumped her ass!

You have a hard time getting off. A vibrator helps you come. A vibrator isn’t a penis substitute any more than it’s a substitute for her fingers. It’s simply a tool that helps you get off by delivering the right pressure in the right place – or as a friend of mine used to say, “Friction, friction, orgasm.” AND… you told her all this before you had sex and she nodded and smiled until she realized she couldn’t make you come.

For your new girl to throw a fit because you wanted to get off after pleasing her (and I assume enjoying the way she was touching you, even if it didn’t make you come) is super insensitive, especially when she claimed to understand that your orgasms can be a bit shy. Even if this woman doesn’t use vibrators herself, she shouldn’t be personally offended by the sight of one, or suspect you of being any less of a real lesbian than she is because you enjoy them.

Tell her if the vibrator use bothers her that much, she’s free to find another sex partner, because you aren’t going to sacrifice your pleasure for her hurt feelings.

 

And before the door hits her ass on the way out, encourage her to stop sex-shaming people she sleeps with just because they don’t have sex in the one specific way she thinks a lesbian should have sex. Who knows, if she ever gave something new a try, she might actually like it!

Before the door hits her ass on the way out, encourage her to stop sex-shaming people she sleeps with just because they don’t have sex in the one specific way she thinks a lesbian should have sex. Who knows, if she ever gave something new a try, she might actually like it!

Now, if your girl comes to you with a total 180 and offers any sort of credible explanation for her rude remarks — “I freaked, I’ve never seen a vibrator before!” or “It triggered a bad memory of my ex who dumped me for a guy” or even “My friend schooled me on what a jerk I was and I’m so sorry I said what I did” — then feel free to give her another try. But otherwise? It’s a new relationship and this is the time when you should both be on your best behavior. The fact that she sex-shamed you, pouted, made the non-incident all about her hurt feelings, and called your lesbian status into question all suggest you’d be better off without her.

If you have a question for Lindsey, don’t be shy! Email the editor: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line. 

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