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My girlfriend suggested role-playing as a way to add variety to our sex life. She used to role play with a previous partner, and she said it really turned her on and led to some of the best sex of their relationship. Well, that combined with my natural shyness has made me nervous about role-playing. The idea of playing some sort of naughty student-nice teacher scenario makes me freeze up. Any tips?
-Reluctant Role Player
It sounds like your partner put the pressure on, although probably not intentionally.
A new-to-you sex practice.
A comparison to an ex, and how stellar the sex was.
A skillset (acting) that’s outside of your comfort zone.
I’d throw this back on your partner and ask for more information. She knows you’re shy, so she probably is expecting you to have some level of resistance to this idea – rather than embrace it wholeheartedly and get a box of costumes out of the closet. So tell her you want to make her happy, but the idea makes you nervous right now.
Find out what role-playing means to her. Are there specific fantasies she want to bring into the bedroom? Is it a hunger for variety, in which case the actual content of the roleplay is less important than the newness of the concept (and you can start with something that doesn’t test your boundaries as much)?
If over-preparing eases your shyness, read up on role-playing. As you do, you’ll see there’s no standard set of rules to follow and it’s really supposed to be fun and lighthearted. I know, that probably doesn’t make you feel better. But try to relax and hold it all lightly. Maybe it would be enough for your partner if you said “Your homework assignment is late, Vanessa. We need to have a chat about your academic performance in my office” instead of “I”m feeling kind of horny tonight, want to hop in bed?”
You could say those two lines. Even if you’re shy and awkward and feeling like an imposter. You could put on a wig or change your outfit so you feel like someone new and different. You could have a glass of wine or get stoned to lower those inhibitions. Then once you get to the bedroom, your role in the roleplay is done, your girlfriend is melting, and you can go at it.
If you talk it out and still feel too nervous to do it, try to phone/text/email about the scenario. A few texts back and forth while you’re in different rooms can help you combat your overthinking while letting her get hot. When she’s ready, she can invite you into the bedroom.
Start simple with a low-pressure scenario, whether that’s student-teacher, nurse-patient, or pretending to be your fave tv couple. Keep the role-playing element to a minimum. It doesn’t have to flow through the whole sexcapade. It can be a two-minute or five-minute bit.
Be open to feeling uncomfortable. Feeling awkward is not going to kill you and it doesn’t need to kill the mood. Watch your girlfriend. Feel how wet she is. If you can look at it as something not-super-fun but not awful that is making her super excited, some of that reluctance will fade.
The worst thing? You feel silly, the scenario goes nowhere, and you can say you tried it. But if your girlfriend is asking for this because it’s led to incredible sex before, then there’s a good chance your outcome will be extremely favorable.