What advice do you have for meeting single women when there are not a lot of lesbians online near you? I just relocated from a small city to a rural area for work. In my old community, there were tons of lesbians on dating apps/sites. Now there are very few. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with women I met from apps, but I didn’t connect with them. Should I start being less choosy, or dating women who are much older/younger than me? Since I’m still new here I don’t really know the best places to go to meet other lesbians… help!
Cheers from another country queer! I DEFINITELY relate to your question. When I relocated to upstate New York, I had no idea how I was going to find out other lesbians to connect with. Well, I had one idea — try the local LGBT Center — but they had few social programs going on, so unless I wanted to troll AA meetings looking for friends (which they actually suggested I do!), I was out of luck.
In my quest to make friends and find some connection to others I’ve had some success and failures. I’m hoping you can learn from the former, not the latter, and broaden your dating pool options while most importantly having fun settling into your new town.
When there aren’t many women online who interest you, you’ll need to either look further afield, broaden your dating parameters (just because you can narrow down to soft butches 3 years older or younger than you who are into tarot and tea doesn’t mean you should), or look in the real world for single lesbians (i.e., what we all did before dating apps were A Thing).
Search for lesbian events, groups, etc. anywhere within an hour’s drive. Or further…I knew a woman who drove 2-1/2 hours to attend ladies’ events, and she eventually found a girlfriend out of it.
Then attend the events—yes, even if you have to go alone. Even if the events are not “your thing.” I’ve gone to drag shows, drag bingo, karaoke (and I seriously hate singing)—all to check out lesbian-inclusive spaces. I’ve also been to book readings, educational forums, and events not LGBT in-name but that bring out the ladies (see: roller derby).
Did I make friends, or have a good time? Not always, but every now and then I did. And that is how you make lesbian connections in your new town – slowly and one by one at first.
Trust that if you put yourself in the spaces where lesbians and bi ladies go, you will meet potential friends and dating partners. Sure, it can be awkward walking up to a bunch of dykes at a bar, but if you smile and tell them you’re new in town, they will probably fall all over themselves to get you up to speed on lesbian events, meetups, etc. They were once new in town. And if your community’s as small as you say it is, single women will fall all over you because you’re new, interesting, and they’ve all already dated each other and at least one of them is single right now.
On the same note, keep going on the apps (you never know when a new dyke will move to town). Approach women who say on their dating profile they’re interested in finding friends. You’ll feel much less lonely when you have a couple of lesbians to hang out with, and you never know which single cuties they might know (just… maybe don’t date their ex). As you get to know women online and offline, you’ll be exposed to more potential partners and start feeling integrated into your new town.
Should you be less choosy? Honey, that’s really for you to decide. If you’re, say, 32 and only looking to date women 30-35, then yes, you should probably add another 5+ years to your dating range. But if you’re butch and only attracted to femmes, join a butch/femme group (check Facebook!)
And please don’t approach women online if you do not find them either interesting or attractive. You can grow to be attracted to a woman with a brilliant mind who isn’t quite your physical type, or come to appreciate the hidden depths of your hot lady friend, but you need to start with one or the other.