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In praise of good, queer girl friends

It feels like I’m living in an episode of America’s Funniest Videos lately. You know the one’s where its obvious to everyone but the dude holding the pogo stick that he’s about to get whacked in the nuts? Sure he’s having a great time, look at him! He’s pogo sticking down soaped up Slip’N Slide! What could go wrong? Everything. He’s pogo sticking down a soaped up slip-n-slide.

It’s during these post pogo mishaps where a person learns who their true friends are. Do they put down the camera and rush to help? Or do they keep recording and laughing?

If you’re friends aren’t lifting you up, celebrating you, and helping you move past grief, then you need new friends. A study at Adeline University shows that lasting friendships can actually increase a person’s lifespan as well as their quality of life. I read that and was all, “Duh, we’ve all seen The Ya-Ya Sisterhood,” but the more I think about it, the more of a reminder of this I think we all need.

Forget all this “frenemy” noise. I don’t keep those in my life anymore-they’re toxic and stressful. No way I’m going to let some basic, two-faced “frenemy” give me a heart attack because I’m stressed out about them. These people are the worst-they shark about our friendship circles or are politically tied to our careers. Getting away from them can be tricky. But remember, the more toxic people you let out of your life, the more awesome people you let in.

A recent study at UCLA suggests that women have more behavioral responses than just flight or fight. According to Dr. Laura Cousins Klien, women actually release more Oxytocin when befriending other women. Oxytocin is commonly known as the love drug. In women, this complex hormone is responsible for creating lasting bonds, friendship, maternal instincts, trust, and orgasms. This little gem is the reason why so many gals U-Haul it after a month. Blame it on the Oxytocin, baby!

I think this is especially true within the bonds of my queer female friendships. I mean that’s at least double the Oxytocin! I like to think of these chicks as my coven. You probably have one of your own. Maybe you call yours a squad, a crew, a clique. I don’t know, maybe you call them your softball team. Point is, you’ve got ’em and you should be celebrating them!

Without thinking about it, I have become instinctually bonded with these women. Yes, pheromones have a lot to do with it, but we also share common experiences and struggles that my straight friends have never had to go through. We’ve all faced coming out, the complexities of a straight girl crush/hookup, and most importantly, we all get Dinah Shore.

I keep having all of these Oprah moments in my life. I don’t know if it’s an age thing or a life thing (its both) but I find myself thinking, “Oh! That’s what Oprah meant by cultivating and maintaining friendships!”

Call me crazy, but I have come to look forward to and embrace the group text. In fact, if I set my phone down and come back and I DON’T have 47 missed texts, then I know something is wrong. This has become one of the simplest joys I have ever experienced in my life. Currently, the trend in my group is to send unflattering selfies while we’re at our jobs. (Bonus points if the pic is coming from a bathroom.)

My friendships with queer women helped me the most when I was coming out. I sought guidance from those who were already out and leaned on them for support. They understood what it was like to lose friends who “just didn’t understand.” On the other side, its also a really cool feeling to be able to help someone process their emotions and give them support while they come out.

Queer friends also understand those closeted or awkward coming out at work moments. Like when your boss asks about your boyfriend and you have be all, “Uh, I have a girlfriend.” I used to be surprised when coworkers would ask me about my boyfriend. These moments used to make me feel so ashamed. My skin would flush as I mumbled that I was a lesbian and I would avoid eye contact. I have short hair and look pretty gay and have come to realize that they aren’t really asking about my boyfriend, they’re asking to confirm their thoughts.

Now these weird little conversations have become something to bond over. One of us will share an awkward “Did you get that uh, e-mail, and uh, are you uh, gay?” conversation and we’ll collectively roll our eyes, throw back our heads, and cackle.

Good friends are hard to find, but once you got ’em, you got to hold on to them. Life challenges and changes are the best ways to find out who your friends are and who you got to ditch. So, yes, I may have been hit in the nuts with a pogo stick, but at least I learned who put the camera down to help.

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