100 Things Heterosexuals Can Be Proud Of for #HeterosexualPrideDay
If you’re on Twitter, you may have noticed #heterosexualprideday is trending, which is the type of boring thing a heterosexual would do. I can see the inception of Heterosexual Pride now: an aging ex-frat boy from Panama City Community College polishes off his nightly 12-pack, and, incensed by his infinite inadequacies, decides to do something.
Nothing that requires movement (there’s a Cheaters rerun on and he’s got the runs from all that Coors) but SOMETHING-something that will get attention. Something that will speak to people like him. STRAIGHT PEOPLE who resent all this equality nonsense stealing taking attention, praise, and profit that their overwhelming mediocrity entitles them to. Something for the C- students to glom onto instead of reading those infernal word pamphlets. White history month!
Photo by GettyA quick google proves that, alas, another leader of men already came up with that. What else? He thinks back to this month, all the events have taken place. What happened that he can make about him? ORLANDO. That was close by. But not about him at all. But wait-why were all those homos so happy and gathered before the shots rang out? Why were they celebrating? GAY PRIDE. It’s gay pride month! Who thought of that? FAGS.
What’s the opposite of celebrating gayness? CELEBRATING STRAIGHT PEOPLE. Granted, he hasn’t had a girlfriend since college, but still, he’s straight. He watches A LOT of porn. That’s the manliest thing in the world. A lone, flickering light illuminates the squishy recesses of his weak mind. HETEROSEXUAL PRIDE DAY!
Fortunately, it took about two minutes for gay people and straight allies to realize this is an amazingggggg opportunity to mock straight people. Seriously, if you haven’t checked out #heterosexualprideday on twitter, you need to read. It’s hilarious. I’ve never seen a scathing bandwagon I didn’t immediately want to jump upon, so here is my painstakingly compiled list of 100 THINGS HETEROSEXUALS CAN TAKE PRIDE IN.
- Teen pregnancy
- Khakis
- Rims
- Wife beaters
- Wife beating
- Missionary position
- Missionaries
- Vera Bradley
- Ed Hardy
- Date rape
- Rape rape
- The Spanish Inquisition
- John Mayer
- Nicholas Sparks
- Capris
- Justin Bieber
- Polo shirts
- Popped collars
- Obesity
- George W. Bush
- The War on Terror
- The War on Drugs
- Mass incarceration
- Slavery
- Female Genital Mutilation
- Honor Killings
- Jersey Shore
- Steroids
- Donald Trump
- Golden Corral
- Frisbee golf
- Crossfit
- Bucket hats
- Bucket bags
- Reappropriation
- Sandals with socks
- Flood pants
- Chris Brown
- Heart disease
- Country music
- Mom jeans
- Segways
- Power walking
- Paisley
- Gladiator sandals
- Hoverboards
- Vine stars
- Joint facebook accounts
- Ugly babies
- Sexism
- Homophobia
- Racism
- Twitter Trolls
- 4chan
- All trolls
- Hentai
- Men’s rights activists
- Neckbeards
- Butt chugging
- Nickelback
- Visors
- Tokenism
- The Feudal System
- All the wars (except the war of roses. That sounds pretty gay)
- Goop
- Colonialism
- Imperialism
- Lifted trucks
- Brexit
- Tories
- Ivan the Terrible
- Machine guns
- Iron Maiden the medieval torture device
- Iron Maiden the band
- Lobotomies
- Entitlement
- Engagement videos
- Sorority videos
- Hazing
- Coors
- Panama City
- Burning crosses
- Jim Crow
- Evangelical Christianity
- Terrorism
- Islamic Extremism
- Arizona
- The Glass Ceiling
- Cork shoes
- Juicy Campus
- White-washing
- Inbreeding
- Genocide
- Google Glass
- Bros
- Selfie sticks
- Truthers/Birthers/Anti-Vaxxers/Conspiracy theorists as a great unwashed whole
- Farmville
- Two and a Half Men
- Sending me idiotic messages about this list because they need to constantly confirm their undeserved sense of importance and reassert the imaginary superiority that comes with being entirely unremarkable.
Now enough about you. You’re drunk on stuff being about you. We’re cutting you off now.
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*First featured on #heterosexualprideday of 2016.