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AfterEllen.com’s Gift Guide for the Gay Woman 2011

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays, which means an overabundance of gift guides! But with so many of them being tailor-made for more of the hetero-persuasion, we decided to take it upon ourselves again this year to tell you what is coolest, queerest stuff we’d want this Christmas. (Or Hanukkah. We love our Jewish lesbians, too!)

We switched up some of the categories this year to include gifts for The Closet Case (which is a little tongue in cheek, I might add), The Gay Gal Who Has Everything (aka the hard people to buy for) and The Fond-of-You Foodie (the ones you’ll find in the kitchen or a hot new restaurant). But we also kept some of our genres from last year so that you can check out what the TV, music, film, book and pop culture fanatics in your life would like to own. (We promise! If they don’t want it, please send to us.)

Most everything we found is available on the internet so you can find it easily and get it shipped in time for present giving. And as an added bonus, I’ve created a very special lesbian holiday playlist on Spotify for you to enjoy while you peruse the goods.

So read through our guide and let us know if anything sparked your interest, for you or someone you’ll be buying for this year.

Gifts for Her (That Are Really for You)

Whoever said, “‘Tis better to give than to receive” had it wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong. While a cozy scarf might keep her neck warm this winter, what good does it do you, the most important person in her life? Doesn’t she want you to be happy? Of course she does. So while you’re out shopping for that special someone, ask yourself, “Will she like this, but more importantly, will I?”, “How does this item benefit me?” and “If we both get something out of this, isn’t that twice as good?”

1. Cook books. I used to have a girlfriend who would occasionally make an alarming lentil concoction for dinner. While it was good knowing we would survive if we ever found ourselves stranded in Ethiopia, I always wondered if she was secretly mad at me that day. Don’t let this happen to you. Buy your girlfriend a cook book containing food you like. I recommend Cook Like a Rock Star by Anne Burrell. Not only does it contain 125 recipes that both the novice and Williams-Sonoma frequent flier can follow, the results are excellent and Burrell looks like Suzanne Westehoefer in a chef’s hat. ($15)

2. Anything from Victoria’s Secret. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with your lady for 10 days or 10 years; it’s up to you to assure her she’s sexy and desirable at all times. And you deserve a daily dose of eye candy because you’re awesome. Whether she prefers cheekies or boyshorts, racerback bras or bustiers (helpfully filed under “Sleepwear”), when you see your holiday gift accentuating her natural ones, you’ll thank yourself. Is your honey too butch for a thong? No probs! Check out these Calvin Klein Slim Fit Boxer Shorts. Blouse-y boxers with a cartoon dog pattern are so not hot. ($10-$80)

3. Spa Day for Two. How’s your back these days? Bet you could use a good massage from a sturdy German woman with strong hands. What better way to knead out the stresses of your life by accompanying your soul mate to a day spa? She’ll love being pampered with a scrub, drinking cucumber water, and visiting the salon while you get a great rub-down, all in the spirit of togetherness. At the end of the day, you’ll feel great and your trophy girlfriend will have a new shine. It’s a win-win. Find a spa near you. ($150+)

4. An iPhone 4S. Like it or not, you’re probably not your girlfriend’s first trip to the rodeo. She has exes. And lesbian probability dictates that at least one of them is a nut who sends drunk texts and I-still-miss-you voice messages at 3 a.m. Who needs that noise? Not you. Help your love move on by getting her a cool new phone, preferably with a new phone number. The new iPhone 4S has a Dual-core A5 chip, whatever the eff that is, 1080p HD video, and Siri, a voice recognition personal assistant. Ask Siri, “How does one dissolve a Domestic Partnership?”, “Where can we get a restraining order?” and finally, “Find the nearest U-Haul facility.” Siri will know what to do. ($199+)

5. A dream vacation. If you’re OK spending this kind of money, chances are she’s The One. Lucky her! You already live together and cherish your little routines: watching your shows, going to the Farmer’s Market every Sunday, letting her make you Spaghetti Bolognese from scratch while wearing a black teddy from Victoria’s Secret. What’s left except taking her on the trip of a lifetime to a place you’ve always wanted to go? The world is a big and wonderful place. See as much of it as you can, while you can. ($1000+)

No matter what you choose for your lovely girlfriend, be creative, be thoughtful and be original! She puts up with your ass all year – the least you can do is show her you appreciate it. Happy holidays, everyone!

– Dara Nai

For the Girl Who Has Everything

I love stuff as much as the next girl, but in the wake of the woman who pepper sprayed her fellow shoppers on Black Friday in order to get to the Xbox consoles first, it never hurts to step back and reflect on our rampant consumerism, how that affects us, the planet, and our own peace of mind. To that end, here are five ideas for gifts that aren’t stuff, and consequently won’t end up in a shoe box in your loved one’s closet after the thrill has worn off.

1. Create something. This kind of constitutes “stuff,” but I want to say that taking 10-20 minutes and making a card/poem/letter/adorable stick figure drawing goes a long way in showing someone how important they are to you. This is especially true if you aren’t the crafty type. It shows you’re willing to try something you’re not naturally good at in order to express your adoration. Some of my most cherished gifts fit easily in a folder, and I look at them fondly whenever I need a boost. In that spirit, here’s a limerick for you all. (Free)

Happiest holidays, friends!

I wish I had presents to send.

But I spent all my cash

getting rid of this rash.

Now I’m spreading good cheer instead.

(Just kidding about the rash.)

2. Donate to Heifer International. Heifer has been working with communities for 65 years all around the world to end hunger and poverty. They provide livestock, seeds, training and food to poor communities in places like Haiti, Rwanda, Honduras, and the U.S. to help people become self-sufficient. For just $20, you can give a flock of chicks, ducks, or geese to a family in need, and the offspring from that family will help go to another family in need, thus perpetuating a cycle of unending awesomeness. That’s less than a movie date, and Heifer allows you to donate gifts in someone else’s name, making them feel philanthropic and loved at the same time. Give the gift that mooooves people. ($20+)

3. Have some class(es). Since the holidays encourage us to eat like bloated manatees, this also makes it the perfect time of year to get back in shape. Give your sweetie a class package to their favorite yoga or pilates studio, kick boxing gym, boot camp, ballet or hip-hop class, etc. If you already have a gym membership, lots of places allow you to add a plus one for not much of an additional cost. Plus, joining a gym in December is when you’ll get the best deals, since most fitness clubs rely on the holiday rush to meet year-long quotas. We all know that having an exercise partner is one of the best motivations. So what are you waiting for? Get hot and bothered. It’s good for your health, good company, and good times all around ($20-80)

4. Tattoos or piercings. Contrary to popular commercials, diamonds aren’t forever. But tattoos are. If your special gal has been wanting to up her Lisbeth Salander badassery quotient, think of presenting her with a gift certificate at your local body art shop. Most tattoo parlors offer certificates that don’t expire for a year, so the recipient can take as much time as needed to plan her perfect inking. For a little extra dose of gayness, suggest matching tats. Hey, it worked for Carmen and Shane, right? Before they broke up, that is. Also, did you know that nautical star tattoos used to be a way lesbians identified each other back when being out could get your beat up, fired, or worse? For the slightly less permanent arrangement, piercings are also a unique present, and well, do I even need to extol on the merits of tongue rings? ($20-$200)

5. Give an experience. It’s been scientifically proven that new experiences bond people together. If you’re trying to make someone fall in love with you, consider planning a trip or adventure for the two of you to share. For nature lovers, $80 gets you admission to any national park for a year. If you’re trying to impress the daredevil in your life, present them with a skydiving gift certificate (around $200 – $300 if you want it to be filmed). For a more grounded experience, you can also hit up your local zoo, botanical garden, quirky museum, or my favorite, kitschy tourist traps. Getting someone a stick-free pan is meh. Getting to take a picture with the world’s largest frying pan in Long Beach, Washington is an experience you won’t soon forget, especially if you’re my ex-girlfriend whom I made drive three extra hours out of our way to take said picture. Ahem. Speaking of foodies, you could also think about giving your loved one a monthly CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) food box ($20) and offer to make the first meal as a special treat. For lots of other ideas in your city, such as sushi making or “shootin’ and drinkin’,” check out Living Social adventures. ($20-$165)

– Anna Pulley

The Lesbian/Bi Biblioholic

The number one problem in buying gifts for a booklover is that we love books so much that it’s hard to find one we don’t have/haven’t read – especially now that e-readers are so inexpensive. But the other side of the biblioholic token is that we love gifts that show how much you appreciate our lit-loving ways.

1. “Old-style” lesbian fiction. In memory of Barbara Grier, gather some lesbian classics from Naiad Press. They aren’t always the best-written books in the world, but they’re a nice way to get lost for a few hours – the stories are fun and sexy. Look for authors like Katherine Forrest, Jane Rule, Ann Bannon and Valerie Taylor. Don’t worry about finding new copies; used versions probably were owned by lesbians “of a certain age” before we could surf the internet to find out we weren’t alone. But if you do want to buy new, Bella Books purchased the Naiad library, so you can find a lot of the titles at Bella Books’ site. (Used books Free and up, new $12-$15)

2. Keeping track. Confession: When I really love a book, I often buy two copies – one to keep and one to lend. I can’t count the number of books borrowed but not returned. (OK, not true — I know exactly how many books I’ve lost to loans.) Earn eternal gratitude by helping your favorite booklover keep track of her books. Personalized bookplates are inexpensive and cute, although you’d better get to ordering if you want them in time for the holidays. A book journal like Reading Journal lets bibliophiles record details and thoughts about their books – and keep a record of anyone who borrows them. ($7-$15)

3. Cover stories. I admit it – I don’t have an e-reader. I love the feel of books, the look of books, the smell of books. But a cover that simulates a book would go a long way toward compensating. These Kindle and iPad covers are just like hardback covers, made of greyboard and bound with bookbinding tape, with titles like Pride and Prejudice, War and Peace and Origins of Species. If you don’t see the title you want, or want to save a few bucks, make your own. (And tell me — Kindle, Nook, or iPad?) ($50-$70)

4. The funny. Sometimes serious readers overlook not-so-serious books that offer a great read and a good laugh. This year’s funniest include memoirs Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch and Bossypants by Tina Fey; a special Jane’s World: A New Frontier from our own Thursday comic creator, Paige Braddock, celebrating her 10th year in comics; and the highly educational tome Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America by Leslie Knope. ($12-$30)

5. Light reading. Reading is more fun if you can see the words. Trust me. Clip-on book lights are a good idea, but not the $3 version at the checkout counter. You want the same thing in a light that you want from a date: One that puts out. My favorite is the double bulb, because you don’t have to move the light as you move across the page. ($25) But if you’re going expensive, go with a floor lamp. For the Configurable Reader from Hammacher Schlemmer, any book reader would put out. ($300)

– TheLinster

The Urban Sapphisticate

For that public transit riding, iAnything-obsessed, urban gal on your list, here is a list of the finest accouterments to living life in the city. To be honest, I’m not one to buy holiday gifts. I am of the year-round gift giving school of thought – mostly for myself, mostly out of necessity. That being said, as an urban lady, I’d like to receive gifts that add a little kick to an otherwise mundane lifestyle. That’s sarcasm my friends, we all know living in a city is tits! Go forth and shop.

1. iPad/Mac Book Decals. Have trouble keeping your Mac Book separate from that geek on your Christmas list? Never fear, there’s a decal for that. The best part about Geekals is that it feeds both a love of Geekdom and pampering ones laptop. Mine’s name is Mariska and she is in need of some flare for sure. ($7.99+)

2. Slouchy Hooded Cowl for Dogs. Don’t forget that dog-obsessed lez on your list, and we all know you have one. Winter wear may be an obvious choice as a stocking stuffer for an urban lady, but did you ever think that her four-legged pseudo child would also like to stay warm this winter? This also offers the opportunity for matching outfits, if one is so inclined. ($28)

3. Air quote mittens. Being familiar with the frozen tundra (Wisconsin not my love life), I don’t know how many times I have gone to use some good ol’ air quotes and realized I was wearing mittens. So many missed sarcastic moments that I will never get back. Luckily, this issue will be a thing of the past once that person on your list receives a pair of air quote mittens from Kate Spade. This is perfect for all your sarcastic-that’s what she said spoutin-subzero temp living fashionable friends. Including me. Best gift ever. I’m gonna go ahead and call it now. ($65)

4. Laptop bag. I can only assume that, like me, your lady jams her laptop into whatever purse she happens to be carrying around at the time. Yes, this is when I ask that you keep the femme word to yourself and realize that I am just another lez, trying to comfortably schlep my non-air book around without throwing out my back or dropping it in a snow drift. Pretty much what I’m saying is why aren’t laptop bags more attractive? Turns out they are – and this one from Matt and Nat is both fashion forward and functional, as well as vegan for all those PETA members on your list. Not to worry, my non-purse totin’ lady friends (see also: butch), Matt and Nat have bags for you, too! ($180)

5. Bike. Maybe it’s the Portlander in me, but I’m starting to warm up to the idea of urban biking, mostly because gas is expensive and I hear it’s a great butt workout. That being said, I still want a pretty one and I bet your lady would, too. Urban Outfitters’ build your own bike shop makes it easy to create something that is right for her with more than 100,000 customizable options for The Aristotle Single Speed Bike and The Plato Dutch Bike. All you need to do is pick and choose or get a gift card and let your lady pick the important things. Like color. ($399+)

– Erika Star

The Closet Case

Are you or a loved one questioning your “lifestyle” (I hate when sexuality is described that way) but you/they are not ready to commit to a rainbow tattoo or are too scared to have the entire series of The L Word lying around on your coffee table for everyone to see and speculate about? Then here’s the holiday gift list for the closet case in your life. No pressure, take your time to look around before you decide.

1. Batwoman Sticker. Yes, the modern day Batwoman is a lesbian but first and foremost she’s a superhero. Just because you have a Batwoman sticker on the bumper of your Jeep Wrangler doesn’t mean you’re gay. Or does it? ($2.40)

2. Set It Off on DVD. This 1996 crime drama stars Queen Latifah as a tough sexy butch lesbian named Cleo, but the film’s story isn’t about her coming to terms with her sexuality – it’s about four friends who go on a bank robbing spree. This is not a gay film, per se; it’s just a caper with an extremely sad ending that happens to have some sexy lady lovin’ going on. No biggie. ($4.49)

3. Prints by Gustav Klimt. Austrian symbolist painter Gustav Klimt has created many works of art showcasing women in their naked form (my favorites include “The Friends,” “Danae” and “Water Serpents II”), but if you don’t want to make your questioning friend uncomfortable, how about giving them a print of “The Virgin”? When I see numerous ladies in bed together, I don’t immediately think they are virgins but hey, art is up for interpretation. ($14.99)

4. A Victorinox Tomo Knife. Any respectable lesbian carries a Swiss army knife on them at all times just in case they need to cut their own hair, fix a snowboard binding or escape being trapped in an actual closet. The Victorinox Tomo Knife boasts a colorful, slim, sleek design and has all the essentials any labeled or unlabeled lady would need, including scissors and a nail file. ($19.99)

5. Innerwear from Sloane & Tate. Sheer lounge wear, sexy briefs and sleek see-through tanks by out creators Eliza Ladensohn and Susana de la Rionda. While changing at the gym, a lady onlooker won’t know if you’re gay or straight, but she’ll definitely be curious. ($30)

– Bridget McManus

Pop Culture Lez

If you’ve got a queer pop culture enthusiast in your life, odds are they end up buying whatever TV/movie/music-themed chotchkies they come across the second they see them, leaving you stumped for gift ideas. With any luck, these five gift ideas haven’t already made it into their collection.

1. The Illustrated World of Mad Men. Mad Men has become such a huge part of our culture that, even if you don’t watch the show, you are still likely to know about the fashion, the characters and how incredibly hot Christina Hendricks is. The Illustrated World of Mad Men not only comes with illustrations of memorable scenes from the show, it also has cocktail recipes, paper dolls and “tips” for picking up flight attendants. ($6-$15)

2. Sock Monkey Wine Holder. For if they need something fun and playful that maybe reminds your friend of their childhood but also makes a great adult beverage holder. ($9.99)

3. Gryffindor necklace. Perhaps this is my favorite of them all. I might need to get this for my Harry Potter-loving boo. ($22)

4. Record bowls. Vinyl has been making a huge comeback but not everyone has a record player in their homes. These record bowls are fun, practical and great for the music snob who already has it all. ($25)

5. The Wonder Woman KitchenAid stand mixer. This is a fantastic, but expensive, gift for the superhero in your kitchen. ($299+)

– Mia Jones

Fashion-Forward Femme

1. Bebe gloves. I don’t always love Bebe. (In fact, I find a lot of their stuff atrocious!) but they pulled it together when putting out these gloves. They’re a little bit tougher looking without totally rocking the boat; it’s truly a good balance. I’m sure you’ll be able to find at least five people on your list that would appreciate a pair, too. ($44)

2. Gaga Christmas stockings. Last week in Styled Out I gave you the heads up on Lady Gaga’s Holiday Workshop for Barneys New York. You need to get in there and get someone you know some of that magic. The collection tends to be a bit pricier (as it is at Barneys and all), but you could start spreading a little holiday cheer early by getting one of these awesome stockings! ($65)

3. Marc Jacobs Headphones. It’s all in the details, and a good stocking stuffer isn’t something to turn your nose up at, people! These headphones are sure to score you some points FTW this year. Everything about them, right down to the cord, is 150% adorbs. ($88)

4. Miu Miu iPhone sleeve. Can someone pick me up this Miu Miu handbag this year for the holidays? No? They’re like $1,200? Sigh. Well, you could always get me this rad iPhone sleeve by the brand instead! I prefer the red, but in case who you’re shopping for doesn’t, they have a couple of other colors to choose from. ($150)

5. Rain jacket. What better way to show the femme in your life that she is loved and cared for than splurging on a fun-yet-functional rain jacket? I am in love with the Orla Kiely brand and this jacket does not disappoint. ($425)

– Emily Hartl

Lesbian Film Fanatic

As we all know, lesbian movie buffs are a very difficult breed to shop for. Unless you hate the person in question (and you’re intentionally shopping for a bad gift, you wicked monkey, you), it’s tough to find flicks (or flick-related goodness) that she 1. Doesn’t already own three times over and 2. Isn’t god-awful. But don’t worry; a little creativity goes a long way.

1. Get the best. Every year, there are a few films about queer women that deserve to be classics (and, at the very least, belong in your gift-ee’s collection). Any woman who likes sports (or well-told, affecting documentaries) will dig No Look Pass, a movie about Emily Tay, a young basketball star going after her dreams – and dealing with a host of gender, sexuality, and race issues along the way. It’s not for sale yet, but keep your eyes peeled for it’s next screening and nab tickets. Bloomington is actually from last year, but it’s one of the best (and sexiest) lesbian dramas of the last decade. Of course, you can’t forget Black Swan, surely one of the best films (queer-inclusive or not), of last year, and an absolute must-buy for Natalie Portman fans. ($10-$20)

2. Decorative goods. Especially for lesbian horror fans, nothing quite says “holiday joy” quite like a gorgeously trampy Vampyros Lesbos movie poster (don’t forget to frame it!). Perhaps even better (and even less subtle), is the Vampyres poster with the tagline “their lips are moist and very, very red!” ($14-$20)

3. Reading material. All classy queer classic film lovers that I know have a raging crush on the electrifying Katherine Hepburn, so her excellent autobiography will make a nice stocking-stuffer for fans who may have overlooked it. Also present-worthy (if you can ignore a few false dates) is the utterly gorgeous Katherine Hepburn: A Life in Pictures. If she already has these, or she’s more into classic queer cinema as a whole, be sure to pick up a copy of the Queer Movie Poster Book, written by Jenni Olson, a true expert in lesbian (and all LGBT) cinema. ($10-$20)

4. Dinner and a movie. For a twist on the old date standby, treat your recipient to a themed (and home-cooked!) meal along with the flick that inspired it. You can go all out on this one — pair southern classics (including the famed tomatoes themselves) with a gift wrapped DVD of Fried Green Tomatoes, cook a sumptuous feast and screen Nina’s Heavenly Delights, or, for jokers, prepare a fine steak and cuddle up watching The Hunger. Of course, you could order take out if you aren’t kitchen-inclined, but it’s best to at least give it a shot. If your cooking adventures turn into a disaster, you can always just drink the evening away with another unmitigated failure, Bar Girls. ($20-$50)

5. Her very own movie studio. If you have some extra cash, and a whole lot of love, go all out and empower your lady friend to make her own masterworks. Thankfully, you don’t need to be a millionaire to make a statement — a great story idea, coupled with a decent HD camera, the right editing tools for the job, and a little bit of movie-making know-how will go a long, long way. Consider any of CNet’s recommended HD Camcorders for camera work, Final Cut X for editing (or Avid Xpress for PC users). A screenwriting book such as How Not to Write a Screenplay is a nice touch as well (and a fairly entertaining read at that). Of course, if you’re actually on something resembling a sane person’s budget, you can get by with a Flip HD Camera and simply use iMovie or another built-in editing program for post-production. ($100-$1000+)

-Danielle Riendeau

The Majorly Queer Music Fan

OK, so you know she likes music – now what? If you don’t know what she has or hasn’t, try one of these items that are sure to sound good to an audio lover.

1. A subscription to Spotify. I’m addicted to this program, which is also a super handy app to have on your iPhone. When you pay for the monthly subscription, you get access to the newest music and exclusive stuff that doesn’t come with the free download. You want to hear any song, anywhere, anytime? Spotify makes it easy. ($10)

2. Music trivia games. Any music fanatic worth their salt enjoys proving their wealth of knowledge. Games like The 80’s Music Trivia Game and Scene It: Music Edition give them the opportunity to show off.($15-$100)

3. A Self-Evident Truth T-Shirt. If you know someone who loves Tegan and Sara, CoCoRosie or MEN, this is an easy sell – and it all goes to a good cause! ($29)

4. Gladys Benteley zine. From the series The Life and Times of Butch Dykes, learn all about the original lesbian songstress. There are also issues all about musical pioneers Chavela Vargas and JD Samson. They are so cheap you can buy them all! ($5-$15)

5. A trip to Women Who Rock at the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame. The exhibit will only be at the Cleveland-based museum until February, so it could be a perfect post-Christmas trip to present her with. See Joan Jett‘s first jaguar and other memorabilia from girl groups, riot grrls, MCs and more. (museum entrance is $22, travel pricing depends on where you live)

– Trish Bendix

The High-Maintenance Femme

1. Bathina by Benefit. This body balm is like a shimmering lotion and fragrance wrapped up in one adorable package. Plus, it’s not a liquid, which means you can travel with it. Bathina is the perfect present for femmey friends and lovers. ($28)

2. Fabulous fascinator. Blame it on Kate Middleton‘s entourage, but high-volume hair pieces are here to stay (at least for a while). Make the girly-girl in your life feel like royalty with a fascinator from Nordstrom. ($38)

3. Sexy loungewear. A high-maintenance gal wants to look her best for you all the time. Yes, even on those weekends when you’re at home watching Bravo marathons and eating Chinese take out. But, she can’t veg out if she’s got a thong up her butt and an underwire pinching the girls. This Victoria’s Secret romper is the perfect solution. It looks like lingerie, but is as cozy as old shorts and a worn-in T-shirt. ($42)

4. Rose gold watch. In case you haven’t heard, gold comes in a new color — pink! This Michael Kors watch has a chunky masculine look, but is softened by its rosy hue. A must-have accessory for power femmes. ($295)

5. Anthropologie dressing table. Nothing says true love like giving your lady a sophisticated place to primp. A dressing table will add a retro glam vibe to any space — and beats the heck out of having to share the bathroom mirror with you. I have dreams about this Cherie dressing table from Anthropologie. ($698)

– Meg Streit

The Adventurous Lesbian

Do you have a friend who always nags you to go skydiving/mountain climbing/surfing with her? Is she obsessed with nature television programming? Does she know how to make a hammock out of a piece of bamboo? If an adventurous lesbian is on your holiday list, here are a few gifts she might enjoy.

1. An REI membership. In addition to making her eligible for in-store specials and super sales, a Lifetime Membership to outdoor store REI also includes discounts on an array of REI courses, including kayak tours, rock climbing workshops and map and compass navigation classes. ($20)

2. Bear Grylls Survivor Trousers. Before you send her out into the wild, consider giving her the proper attire for the adventure. These Survivor Trousers always look smart on Bear Grylls (until he removes them for the mandatory nearly-nude portion of each episode of Man vs. Wild). The trousers have eight (!) pockets, are made of SolarDry material and are fitted with an elastic waistband, which will come in handy when she finally returns to civilization and wants to chow down at the Hometown Buffet. ($40)

3. K2’s Rescue Shovel Plus. If her Jeep collapses in a sandpit (this can happen just as easily in the Palm Desert at Dinah Shore weekend as it can in the Sahara) or if she finds herself snowed in at base camp, K2’s Rescue Shovel Plus will come in handy. This shovel can also be converted into a rescue sled (again, also potentially helpful at The Dinah) with the BackSide, and Factory Team K2 skis. If it also came with one of those Saint Bernard Whiskey Keg Barrels, I’d say this product would be pretty close to perfect. ($75)

4. GoPro HD Hero2 video camera . What’s the point of going on a grand adventure if you don’t document the experience for bragging rights later? GoPro’s HD Hero2 (in Outdoor, Motorsports and Surf editions) will allow your sporty friend to capture every hair-rising, stomach-churning moment of her many excursions in HD video. ($299)

5. A Great White Shark Diving Adventure. Instead of giving her adventure gear, why not just give her the dang adventure? Great White Shark Diving (at the Farallon Islands and at Isla Guadalupe) gives her the opportunity to watch 20 ft.+ long creatures breach for their lunches. Who wouldn’t want to stand topside on a boat in the open ocean as a shark the size of city bus flies over your heard in crazed pursuit of seal? ($375 to observe from the boat, $775 to cage dive)

– Karman Kregloe

The Sapphic Scenester

The lesbian scene is a jungle. It colorful, diverse and full of pretty creatures. But it is also full of animals that bite and doesn’t have air conditioning. Here is a gift guide for your adventurous sapphic friend.

1. A portable makeup light. Because inevitably the bar/club will become packed with many specimens of the species lesbianus perspiratucus, which will steam up the room, and her cosmetics will become less than fresh looking. But who wants to wait in line to the bathroom to freshen up? After midnight, people stop remembering basic human courtesies such as flushing and wiping the sink. After 1 a.m., the bathroom situation conjures up the scene in Slumdog Millioinare where a kid dives into a pile of poopykaka to get a ticket to meet a famous movie star. But she doesn’t need to wade into a stinking situation to get a prize. Buy one of these babies, and people will be diving into unmentionable things for a chance to get her number. ($9.99)

2. Go Girl Female Urination Device. And if the bathroom lines truly are atrocious, here is a cute little personal pee pee device. Don’t look appalled. Your club kid buddy will be secretly psyched. Who wants to squat over a disgusting toilet? ($9.99)

3. Cell phone lanyard. And how many times has your little rager of a friend lost her phone? I’ve seen her Sunday morning Facebook invites entitled “I Lost my F–0ing Phone. Message me your number.” Better get her a cute lanyard to strap her precious little buttercup to her purse or messenger bag. ($2-$10)

4. Invisibility cloak. Did your friend blow through the entire lesbian population in town? Does she have a target on her back? Well, researchers at the University of Texas have created an invisibility cloak. It’s not on the market yet, but keep an eye on this baby. If a gaggle of exes spot and approach her, she can just throw this over her head and disappear. (Price not available)

5. A Galactic Journey. Is she really FUBAR? Is an invisibility cloak insufficient? Does she have too many hoes in area codes? Well, there is a solution. A trip to outer space. As Hammer said, “U can’t touch this.” ($200,000)

– Grace Chu

The Fond-of-You Foodie

1. Kitchen tools Every foodie needs a well stocked kitchen. If the chefbian in your life regularly tackles recipes that call for zest (or wants to), throw a lemon zester tool in their stocking. They’ll thank you when they’re not rubbing a lemon against a box grater and grumbling about their knuckles. Other small kitchen tool victories: the lid lifter (it’s like a can opener that leaves the top of the can intact for reuse – brilliant!), garlic peeler (this will change your life, I promise), and the grate and storage set. ($8-$18)

2. Blood, Bones and Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef. Gabrielle Hamilton‘s memoir is on nearly every Best of 2011 Book List this year. No matter how you feel about her lesbian identity with husband detour, the successful owner of premiere New York restaurant Prune writes a compelling memoir of becoming a chef, with lots of delicious food porn in the prose. ($26)

3. An apron. If you know a baking fool this holiday season, treat them to a cute apron. I went years without one (don’t they represent some kind of pre-feminist straight jacket?), then finally splurged on a quality baker’s apron in lime green. Flour-on-my-jeans be gone! Who needs a hand towel when you’re wearing one of these? Throw “apron” into the search bar on the indie craft-mecca Etsy, and you’ll find all sorts of cute options, like the That’s How I Roll apron from Pamela Fugate Designs. And if your baking fool is more of a wine lover, this same shop makes a witty Screw This apron. ($15-$35)

4. Tasting Box subscription. Who wouldn’t want to receive scrumptious delicacies in the mail every month? Go above and beyond a pear basket or cheese-of-the-month club with a Tasting Box Subscription from Foodzie.This small outfit offers two, five, or ten month subscriptions of their curated delicacies, letting you choose from everything from small batch caramel sauce, to pistachio and almond nogaut, to Maryland Crab Cakes, to the Heirloom Bean and Lentil Collection. You can also order one-offs of the boxes, like the Chevre Goat Cheese and Honey Gift Box. ($29.95-$299)

5. Cooking classes. Finally, give your foodie the gift of knowledge! Chefs from Le Cordon Bleu, the renowned world culinary institute that Julia Child attended, hold non-professional cooking classes at their institutes around the country. Students can dabble in everything from Knife Skills to Artisan Bread to Barbequing 101. A six-pack of classes should get your foodie preparing feasts at home in no time. Local bakeries, restaurants and community centers may hold cooking classes as well. In Brooklyn, you can count on One Girl Cookies to whip up classes on the Best Biscuit, Double Crust Apple Pie, and more; or take a tour of Mast Brothers Chocolate to see how these works of cocoa art are made. Not local to Brooklyn? Both One Girl Cookies and Mast Brother Chocolate deliver, so you could also just order some sweets, put on a few episodes of My Drunk Kitchen, and call it a holiday. ($10-$479)

– Courtney Gillette

The Totally Gay TV Nerdette

1. Likes Girls T-Shirt. Well, she does, doesn’t she? The “Likes Girls” T-shirt made famous by Dianna Agron on the Glee Live! Tour this summer is the perfect gift for any Totally Gay TV Nerdette. Also, it makes reading her intentions when going out really easy to read – no gaydar needed. ($26.95)

2. A Whole New World of Lesbian TV. Many lesbian TV fans aren’t aware of the wealth of lesbian TV available outside of the country. So let her know what she’s missing. From Bad Girls to Lip Service, Tierra de Lobos to Los Hombres de Paco, Hand aufs Herz to Lost Girl, there’s a lot of gay gal action happening if you embrace an international attitude. Make her a passport to a few (DVD/Blu-Ray sets available for some and some streaming/downloading options available) of your favorites and plan a marathon night. ($40-$60)

3. Ultimate Shipper Gift Basket Pick three items that mean something to her favorite TV lesbian couple and make up a special gift basket. A few example:

For Brittana lovers: A pair of pom poms, a bottle of bubble bath, a Rainbow Dash plushie.

For Rizzles lover: A pair of handcuffs, a tuna salad lunch pack, a hers & hers wine/beer glass set.

For the Willow/Tara lover: An extra flamey candle, a body painting kit, a Kitty Fantastico.

For the Naomily lover: A box of Garibaldi biscuits, a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a pair of WWII Royal Air Force goggles. Or an orange LML Star 125 DLX scooter – if you’re rich.

($40-$1500)

4. The L Word: Complete Series DVD Set. Please, like you don’t sometimes just want to curl up in bed, mix a gallon of martinis and just watch Bette, Tina, Shane, Alice, Jenny et al talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming — and especially f—ing. Hey, that’s what the fast forward and rewind buttons were made for, kids. ($89.99)

5. PaleyFest 2012 Tickets. One of the biggest annual events for fans of quality TV, the festival honors television shows and brings together cast and crew for interesting panels and fan interaction. This year, the event will be March 2 to 14 in Beverly Hills. A full line-up isn’t available yet but the first three participants have been named: Modern Family, Mad Men and American Horror Story. That means you could see Christina Hendricks and Elisabeth Moss, Sofia Vergara, Julie Bowen and Connie Britton. Tickets go on sale Dec. 8. ($15-$75)

– Dorothy Snarker

The Comic Book Craver

1. Batwoman: Elegy. When Batwoman took over Detective Comics in 2009, skepticism from fanboys was palpable. But with Greg Rucka‘s master story-telling and J.H. Williams III‘s incomparable art, Kate Kane’s Detective run was lauded from every corner of the comics community. Batwoman: Elegy is the collected stories from Detective Comics with a foreword by Rachel Maddow. The trade paperback should be on every lesbian comic fan’s shelf! ($15-$60)

2. Strangers in Paradise Omnibus. Terry Moore‘s long-running, much-adored series Strangers in Paradise features one of the greatest lesbian love stories ever told. Francine Peters and Katina Choovanski go through hell and back to make their relationship work. And every longing glance and stolen touch and murdered mobster is captured in Moore’s gorgeous two-volume omnibus. It’s worth the price ten times over. ($200)

3. Action figures. The great thing about superhero action figures is that you can find them anywhere. Though you might have to search a little harder for the super-heroines. Places like Target and Wal-Mart usually only carry whatever movie merchandising is popular at the time (so Green Lantern and Iron Man this Christmas), but comic book shops will have a vast and varied selection of action figures. Make sure you don’t forget the little plastic stands that keep the ladies on their feet. Female action figures, like female comic book characters, tend to be a little top heavy.($10-$30)

4. Collector’s editions. If your girlfriend reads comic books, chances are she collects comic books. Find out what issues she’s missing and track them down. ComicVine.com is a great comic-finding resource. You can find and sort comic books by title, issue number, character and a million other things. Plus there are plenty of tips on what you should pay for a specific book and where you can find it. ($20-$500)

5. Comic store gift certificates. Most people don’t have the luxury of going into a comic shop and dropping hundreds of dollars at a time. But with a gift certificate, your girlfriend can spend hours and hours and hours perusing back issues and action figures and Wonder Woman hoodies and who knows what all. It’ll be a dream come true. Trust me. ($5+)

See anything for someone special on your shopping list?

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