Hey, Helen Mirren, can I bend your ear for a moment? I have one of those bone thingies to pick with you. Seriously, sit down. We need to talk.
Listen, I know you just won the Oscar and are probably still basking in its post-coital embrace. But at times like these, it is important not to lose one’s head. Take a cue from The Queen. She would never go and do something like, say, win an Academy Award and then appear in the sequel to an Indiana Jones rip-off star vehicle for Nicolas Cage. It just wouldn’t do. See:
But really, my concern goes deeper than just your dubious choice of follow-up film, and extends to many of your fellow talented, smart and successful sisters. What is it about taking home that little naked golden man that makes best actress winners want to follow the yellow brick road to the not-so-wonderful world of action movie land?
Hilary Swank followed up her first Oscar win in 1999 with, among other duds, the action stinker The Core. Gee, how could a movie about digging a really big hole possibly flop?
Halle Berry went from her 2001 Monster’s Ball win to not one, but two action flicks: a Bond girl in Die Another Day and a feisty feline in Catwoman. Her costumes were, admittedly, the best thing about both pictures.
Charlize Theron was a Monster who won an Oscar in 2003, and then a black-jumpsuit-wearing assassin with some serious pain in her neck in Aeon Flux. Sadly, neither the skintight gear nor the serious neck injury paid off at the box office.
This trend has even seeped into the best supporting actress category. How else can you explain Dame Judi Dench going from Shakespeare in Love to Bond, James Bond? And then after being a Girl, Interrupted, Angelina Jolie went and strapped two holsters to her thighs and started stealing cars in those Tomb Raider flicks and Gone in Sixty Seconds, respectively. Though, I would like to note for the record that I have nothing, per se, against the strapping of holsters to thighs. I do, however, object strongly to the droning movies they in turn are attached to.
