The Weekly Geek: Vampires that don’t suck


Horror geeks, it’s a weird time to be a vampire fan. Bloodsucker fiction has never been hotter, and amazing recent developments like the Swedish Let the Right One In and HBO’s sexy, smart, queer-friendly True Blood have been breathing new life into the undead genre. On the other hand, much of the current popularity can be attributed to the blah Twilight series and the way it’s hypnotized the young female population of the western world.

Unfortunately, the ubiquity of Twilight has made sophomoric parody makers smell blood. Vampires Suck is a spoof in the vein of Epic Movie or Scary Movie, and it looks, well, not very good.

The trailer shows a heavy emphasis on Twilight-spoofage, with an aloof, poofy-haired Edward look-alike, a shirtless Jacob ripoff, vampires, werewolves, and all sorts of high school jokes. I did get a chuckle out of the “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” jabs, for what that’s worth.

I09 writer Meredith Woerner rightly blames Twi-hards for the near-certain suckage of the August 18 release:

Congratulations — you’ve made vampires so popular that they’ve got their own Scary Movie spoof film. Are you happy now? You’re all grounded and the punishment is watching the Vampires Suck wackadoodle parody trailer we’ve scrounged up.

And she links to a very amusing list of the “Least Sexy Vampires of All Time,” in the spirit of bad things happening to great genres. Lesbian classic (and my personal favorite vampire movie of all time) The Hunger gets a mention for David Bowie’s not-so-sexy transition.

The very best part of the list is the inclusion of Grace Jones’ character in Vamp.

Although the Jamaican-American singer and model played a vampire queen in this 1986 film, Woerner added her to this list likely because she too closely resembled the demonic clown from Stephen King‘s It.

In all seriousness, the probable crappiness of Vampires Suck could never kill a true fan’s love of the genre. I spent an entire year in college trying to find the worst (and the best/worst) terrible vampire movies, so I would know.

On that particular note, I recommend all queer women watch Embrace of the Vampire (which is awful, but has Alyssa Milano semi-nude and some very hot lady love action), and dare you to find a film — made in any genre — that is worse than Club Vampire. Seriously.

What about you, readers? Anyone interested in seeing Suck just for the heck of it?

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