Lesson Three: How to come out to your friends and family.
As all of you delightful ladies know perfectly well, there are a variety of methods by which one may come to join the ever popular cult of the Gay Lady. These include (but are not limited to) Conversion, Epiphany, Logical Choice and Being Born. Likewise, there are a full range of tried and true options available to you when you decide to share the wondrous news with those people fortunate enough to be around you during this exciting stage in your life. Let’s discuss these options together now shall we?
Method One: The Mailing Campaign
Historically speaking, gay ladies have always excelled at the mailing campaign. Whether it be to save the rare edible tree-frog or to remind others to reject patriarchal control as evidenced by the phallic shaped bread rolls served in the university cafeteria, the mailing campaign has had a long-time friend in the gay lady. As such, it may be reliably utilised to announce one’s newfound love of the ladies in a simple yet elegant move that may save you many a tedious and long-winded conversation in person. Simply insert your personal details into the following form letter I have prepared for your convenience.
I _____(your name here)____, take great pleasure in announcing that I am a _________(insert your currently most favoured sexuality label here – or limit your reason for rejecting such labels to a concise 700 words and staple it to the back)_____.
All letters of congratulations/flowers/gifts/monetary rewards for my courage and self-awareness will of course be gratefully accepted. Please direct any enquiries to my gay lady representative.Yours gaily,
_____(Insert lipstick [or chapstick] kiss here)_____
This letter can then be mailed en masse to your family, friends, neighbors, extended relatives, lovers (past and present), colleagues, classmates, employer/employees, the lady at the post office, the nice old man across the street and your crush from kindergarten.
If one is a thrifty gay lady, converting this process into a poster campaign may save on postage costs. Simply select a stylish photograph showing one’s good side, title it appropriately and print enough copies to attach to every telephone pole in the neighbourhood. Alternatively, a single can of good quality spray paint may convey the same message if one is concise.
At any rate, the creation of mailing or poster campaigns alike have been primarily favoured by the gay lady for one simple reason: nothing brings all the ladies to your yard like a good cause. Invite every gay lady you know to join you for an afternoon of folding announcements and stamping envelopes. Create a simple yet elegant array of vegan snacks and the lesbians will soon arrive of their own accord, allowing plenty of opportunities for networking and otherwise engaging with the other delightful gay ladies in your social circle. Indeed, who knows what may follow? In this way the mailing campaign has a distinct advantage over its more modern decedent – the Facebook cause invitation – which whilst possibly more time-effective distinctly lowers your chances of getting laid.
Method Two: The Soapbox
This method is most commonly preferred by those gay ladies in the first or second year of their Arts degree.
The first step of the process is of course, the announcement of one’s sexuality to one’s family. The preferable method will involve slinging the news passionately at them during an argument.
Following on from this involves indulging in the need to soliloquise about one’s gayness – at sufficient volume and without pause – during every subsequent family interaction. The more details the better.
Thirdly, provide them with copious books about being a gay lady/having gay lady family members, gift them with T-shirts that say “I love my gay lady daughter” and provide them with a rainbow sticker to attach to their front door. If all are not in pride of place on their bookshelves/chests/doors by the following day, demand to know why not. Also, why doesn’t grandma know yet? Send the same items to her at once.
The fourth step will be to invite the whole family to share in all the delightfully gritty details of your tempestuous relationship with your new girlfriend, quickly followed by your messy break-up with your new girlfriend, your love triangle with her ex-girlfriend and your (as yet) unrequited crush on your straight best friend. Make sure you do this within weeks of your announcement, otherwise it will reduce its efficacy.
And finally, invite Tracy (your hot, angry, politically charged newest girlfriend) to a cosy Sunday dinner in order to re-educate your grateful family members out of their all of their entirely erroneous values and belief systems.
Following the simple steps above will immediately ensure your family’s relaxed and happy acceptance of your sexuality forever after.
Method Three: The Special Occasion
This method requires you to pick a special occasion in which to make your announcement whilst all your loved ones are gathered together in one place. To save on the hassle of organising your own, may I suggest appropriating a conveniently pre-arranged occasion, such as Christmas dinner, or a sibling’s wedding to name a couple of good examples. Ensure you have everyone’s full and undivided attention, perhaps by suggesting a toast or proposing a speech, then use the moment to introduce everyone to your girlfriend. Please note: It is of the utmost importance that you do not warn your girlfriend of this plan in advance. This way, she’ll be as pleasantly surprised as everyone else – particularly if it’s only your second or third date.
Method Four: The Subtle Approach
Don’t make any announcement at all. Instead, shave your head/cultivate a fauxhawk, become a vegetarian, make mysteriously loaded references to your new “roommate,” actively bitch about how “annoying” men are, join a women’s sports team, move your L Word DVD collection to your living room bookshelf and wait for the announcement to be made for you. If this fails, it’s time to up the ante. Purchase a range of witty T-shirts, such as “No one knows I’m a lesbian” or “My girlfriend is a lesbian” and wear them on a daily basis until everyone around you yells “You’re a gay lady, we get it already!”
