“Pretty Little Liars” mini-cap (1.03): Alison was like, “Emily, I can’t invite you. I think you’re a lesbian.”
I’ve been seeing this girl – let’s call her Gossip Girl – for about three years, and she’s a good time. I mean, mostly. In the beginning she was so smart and sexy and funny (on purpose and also not on purpose), but last year things between us got really weird. She got kind of dumb and self-indulgent and she kept looking at herself in the mirror, all, “Now you’re in New York – concrete jungle where dreams are made of.” And never finishing the thought. Made of what, Gossip Girl? Made of what?
I would go weeks without seeing her, then show up on a Sunday afternoon to catch-up and pretend nothing was wrong. Things got good between us again before she went away for the summer because I could tell she was really trying, you know? But since she’s been gone, I’ve met someone – let’s call her Pretty Little Liars – and I’m starting not to care if my Gossip Girl ever comes back from Paris. That’s harsh, right? Am I being unfaithful? Should I just cut and run off with Mr. Gilbert Pretty Little Liars? Oh, teen drama! You persnickety little mistress!
The PLLs are tromping through the woods in the exact opposite of the kind of attire one should wear when tromping through the woods, because last week Emily cried when she realized she wants to cruise chicks. Her mom thought she was crying again because Alison is dead, and she suggested her friends find a way to remember her. So the PLLs decide to build a full-on Alison shrine, which is: a) Just the kind of shit Alison would come back from the dead to witness, and b) A good way to get yourself killed.
To wit:
Guys, what if Jenna is a robot and Sophia from Skins makes a cameo on this show? What if Sophia is “A”? THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE SHRINE!
The PLLs hear some sticks snap and Spencer says it’s just a rabbit, and Aria wants to get the frak back to civilization, and Hanna is like, “Dudes, I told you “A” is a zombie.” And Emily is all, “So, making out with zombies – are there like rules for that?” They get an AliBlast and it’s the creepiest one yet: Heads up, BFFs. It’s open season on liars … and I’m hunting.
OK, and let’s do it like this:
Hanna wakes up to find Detective Snape rummaging around in her kitchen, half-naked and talking about waffles like the love child of Rufus Humphrey and Zeus, and Hanna is appropriately grossed out. Her mom “whispers” that until Det. Snape drops the shoplifting charges she’s just going to have to keep shagging him. Det. Snape overhears, of course, and he twirls his mustache and cackles to himself and breaks about six gazillion codes of police conduct and actual laws just by being there.
At school, Hanna’s boyfriend, Ken Doll, kisses her and says they’re going the GG route of having a big fourth act party. Mona asks Hanna if she’s tapped that yet, and Hanna says it’s not a race, and Mona is like, “OK, but if you’re not hitting it, he’s not into you or he’s gay.” (Someone should tell Quileute Wolf Ben and save Emily the trouble!) Also, at school, Det. Snape questions Hanna about how she’s the new Alison: “You think you’re going to have a party and not invite her? Who do you think you are, Hanna? She like invented you, you know what I mean?”
Hanna remembers that she was Cady Heron and Alison was Regina George. That she was Tai and Alison was Cher. That she was Jacob Black and Alison was Edward Cullen. Ken Doll wanted to befriend her and boink Alison, and just as she’s about to shout that Alison was just a dumb virgin who couldn’t drive, Det. Snape goes, “Your ninth grade yearbook photo is stupid and you are fat.” And Alison is all, “Your whole FACE is stupid and fat!” And then she bounces out into the hall where the other PLLs are – I’m serious – writing on her Facebook wall, like: “What did Det. Snape want? Does he know we were drunk the night Alison died and that we threw a bomb at Jenna?”
And as faithful as Big Ben Twitter, Jenna comes walking down the hall with her brother, Toby Cavanaugh, who is home from reform school (I never get tired of hearing people say “reform school”), and guess what? He’s the only other person who knows what happened the night Alison blew up Jenna’s eyeballs.
At the party, Hanna tries to get Ken Doll’s attention, but he is really into foosball. She finally drags him away to the Shrieking Shack so they can make some monkey, but he balks because she “seems desperate.” Which: I am so sure, teenage boy. Hanna’s awesome response is to steal his car! You cheat on Carrie Underwood, she carves her name into your leather seats. You won’t have sex with Hanna, she drives your car into a tree.
Spencer’s pissy sister is pissy because Spencer snogged her fiance’s face off. She’s not even upset about losing the guy; she’s upset because she has to tell everyone the wedding is off. Spencer takes a train somewhere – it’s unclear where this British fiance has scampered off to – and tells him to set the record straight with her family: He came onto her. He says that he’s already tried, but no one believes a lying liar, and then he comes onto her again, saying he chose the wrong sister.
Spencer splits, but you can bet your Regatta Gala she’s not finished with this guy yet, especially when he rightly calls after her, “You’d be happier here with me; your family are assholes!”
At home, Spencer struggles over a paper about the Russian Revolution, which is just plain silly because it’s one of the most fascinating revolutions in the history of the world and there are plentiful Lenin GIFs all over the Internet to spice up any Power Point presntation.
I’m serious. Watch this: Blah blah blah Bolsheviks blah blah blah.
Now, don’t you want to know more about the Russian Revolution?
Spencer’s sister’s laptop is open beside her and she conveniently has a paper on the Russian Revolution – that she wrote in 1994! Windows 3.1, you guys! – sitting on her desktop. Spencer steals it, thinks about not using it, but then her sister busts in and calls her a whore in eleven different ways, and so Spencer goes ahead and plagiarizes – because her sister deserves it!
She rocks up into the party and has a collective memory with the PLLs about how Toby saved Jenna from The Bomb, and then Alison shouted at him about how he had to take the fall and so he did. Afterward, he lurks in the shadows and grins at her and is creepy and aloof and you can see his chin dimple even in the dark.
You want to talk about whores, though? Aria is having breakfast with her family when her dad’s mistress has the balls to sashay right on up to the table and ask why he hasn’t returned her professional business woman in town on business calls. He says he’ll do it later today, and she scoots up in there like a professional homewrecker and touches him while he writes down her email address. Aria is like, “WTF, dad?” And her dad lays it out like this: The mistress used to be his student! And now she is a TA who works right across the hall! Aria fails to see the parallel, probably because Mr. Gilbert is superior to her dad in every way – so she leaves in a huff.
At school, Aria asks out Mr. Gilbert on three different dates, and he says she should probably pretend to be interested in her peers. The only thing she’s interested in, though, is touching him any way she can. It’s pinkies this time, and he gulps and she gulps and I gulp and then some lame teacher comes in asking about some lame teacher thing and they jump apart and talk about To Kill a Mockingbird.
(They are pushing this Mockingbird thing hard, and it is my all-time favorite book, a story I know by heart. My dog is named Scout like Scout Finch.) But I’m not really seeing the parallels. I mean, I can kind of see Toby as a Boo Radley, except I think it’s lust/affection for Emily and not altruism that’s motivating him. But let’s keep an eye on the Harper Lee thing, because if they pull it around to that, it will blow my mind in the very best way.)
Aria stops by her mom’s gallery on the way home from school and his dad’s whore is hanging around, jonesing for an invite to the opening. Aria’s mom offers it up, and Aria stops the whore on the way out and says, “Whore, leave my dad alone! I blinded a girl once, maybe killed another girl. I play with Gilbert-shaped fire for a hobby – so don’t cross me!” And the whore says, “See you at the show tonight!”
And she does! Ballsy whore is ballsy, I’m telling you! Aria stops her at the door and says, “I thought I told you to stay away!” And the whore says, “Mind your own beeswax, kid.”
Aria goes to Mr. Gilbert’s apartment for comfort and he says it’s probably best if she doesn’t come in. She agrees, apologizes, and then! Kryptonite! Brown-haired, brown-eyed girl crying! Mr. Gilbert wraps her up in his arms and strokes her hair and kisses her head and is falling in actual love with her. Oh, Mr. Gilbert! I hope you can write a novel, good sir, because your teaching career is never going to make it past year one!
Emily and Maya are hand-holding, arm-caressing, spooning buddies now. Coincidentally, and not related in any way, Emily doesn’t want Quileute Wolf Ben to touch her anymore. Not in the hallway. Not at her house. Not in his car. Not at all, not at all, not at all. He tells Emily there’s a party tonight with lots of dark, quiet corners. Emily hears “Shrieking Shack,” thinks “Maya” and then totally invites her to come along. Ben is like, “Damn. I wanted to bone you.” And Maya is like, “Awesome. I want to bone you.” And Emily is like, “Good. This will be fun.”
After swim practice, Emily is getting changed when Quileute Wolf Ben sneaks in and gets all kinds of aggressively handsy. She’s having a hard time fighting him off, but then Toby – who somehow knew what was happening in the girls’ locker room – bursts through the door and thraxes Quileute Wolf Ben. Thraxes him good. Emily figures attempted date rape is a pretty good reason to break up with someone, and so she does. And good for her.
Maya takes Emily to the party in her sweet ride, and suggests they try out the photo booth. They take a couple of standard bestie shots (with bonus caressing!) and then they have some sort of mutual mindmeld and decide that making out is the best course of action. Maybe it’s because Emily literally goes, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” right before the first flash.
See for yourself!
Sorry, non-American readers. Hulu is the only place I could get the clip. If I find one that’s not geo-blocked, I’ll put it up! Here’s a still photo to hold you over.
While the making out is happening inside the curtain, the photos drop outside the curtain, and someone sneaks by and snags them.
Emily flips out a little bit, but Maya says not to worry, that the printer is probably out of paper. (MAYA, ARE YOU “A” OR NOT? I THINK YOU ARE! OH, I THINK YOU ARE!)
On the way home from the party, Emily sees Toby sitting on the porch and she stops to thank him. He smiles sweetly, and then – out of the shadows! – Jenna goes, “What is she thanking you for?” And he says its not what she thinks.
The next day, the PLLS tromp back into the woods to try to make their shrine again. They’re halfway to agreeing to stop keeping secrets from one another when they hear the creeper creeping again. This time, they chase after him/her/it, and find Alison’s friendship bracelet lying on the ground.
And just when you think it’s over, Catte Adams starts crooning “Just Like Heaven,” and someone with black leather gloves is printing out the photo booth photos of Maya and Emily kissing, and hanging them on a wall full of photos of Maya and Emily kissing. (Awesome, awesome, awesome.)
Is “A” really Sophia? She’s got a lot of experience stalking! Is “A” really Maya? She’s got all of A’s old stuff and the hots for Emily! Is Jenna a robot? Is Toby Boo Radley? Is Ben a wolf? Is Alison a zombie? Is Ian Harding related to Gilbert Blythe? I don’t know, you know guys! I don’t know! But my God, I love this show.
