Archive

The Hook-Up: 6-23-2010

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley.

My girlfriend and I have been together for four years now. In the past few months, she’s gained some pounds and doesn’t want us to have sex anymore. We talked about it plenty of times and she says she feels bad about her body and that she doesn’t want me to see her in that way. Actually I think she is hotter now and I’m even more attracted to her. We’re on a diet together, we exercise together but she still says she is not comfortable with her body.

She is the love of my life but if the sex topic shows up or if I try to get intimate she pushes me away and it turns into this big fight. What else should I do? Am I being insensitive?

Anna Says: This is sadly such a common issue. Over and over — sometimes hundreds of times a day — women are told that their self worth is dependent on their size. It can be hard to tune out all the crappy messages that make us feel bad about ourselves and our bodies. Not to go all Christina Aguilera on you, but keep reassuring your girlfriend how beautiful you think she is, how much you love her curves, etc.

Don’t do this only when you’re trying to get laid. Do it all the time. Positive reinforcement, while not a miracle by any means, can be helpful to those struggling with body issues. However, let her know that there’s more to her awesomeness than whether she looks amazing in a tube top. (Does anyone?) She should know that your love for her goes well beyond her physical appearance.

The next thing I want you to do is ask her what’s going to make her feel more comfortable being sexual. Maybe it’s keeping some clothes on. Maybe it’s turning the lights off. Maybe it’s trying positions that are more flattering to her jiggly bits. The goal should be her comfort, and finding ways to take the focus and pressure off her insecurities. Our bodies and brains need to be relaxed in order to enjoy sexytimes. To help her overcome the psychological aspect of not wanting to be intimate, check out my column from a few weeks ago on the subject.

One thing I can say is exercise is great all around — for a self-esteem boost, for the happy chemicals it releases in our brains. It also helps us sleep better and staves off illness, so keep that up. And lastly, try not to take her rebuffs too personally. Sure, it sucks when partner wants to get down and durrty and the other doesn’t, but remember that the way she feels about her body has nothing to do with you and how desirable you are.

I’ve always been attracted to men and women but I’ve only ever interacted sexually with men. You’d think having two gay moms and being raised within a large, diverse village would make having these feelings easier or make me less fearful of exploring them; it hasn’t, in my case. I certainly don’t attribute my bicuriosity and/or bisexuality to having same sex parents but I’m afraid they’ll see it that way and somehow feel responsible.

Perhaps it isn’t even worth mentioning. Maybe I’ll discover being with a woman is not for me and bringing it up at all will have been for nothing. I’m not for indiscriminate sex or treating another person like an experiment. It seems dangerous, though, to initiate a relationship with someone and risk getting invested before I know whether or not I’m capable of having sexytime with them.

I would hate to involve my parents and possibly alarm them or make them uncomfortable. It’s not like I discuss my heterosexual relationships with them so maybe it’s best to continue in that practice until the “real thing” comes along, male or female. What do you think?

Anna Says: First of all, it’s been widely proven that having gay parents doesn’t make you bisexual or gay. Think of the reverse scenario — how many queers have been raised by straight parents? Lots. I find it hard to believe that your gay moms would be “alarmed” by your interest in women, even if it’s only theoretical at this point. If anything, they’d probably be thrilled. Another way to bond with their daughter over lentils and Celestial Seasonings! Who could resist? Definitely not the lesbians on the Kashi cereal boxes.

The decision on whether to involve them in your love life or not is up to you, of course, but I’ve always found it helpful to get advice from people who’ve been around the block before. It beats learning things “the hard way,” you know? But this is coming from someone who tells her mom pretty much everything. There’s no TMI too great to be shared with her! I may not always take her advice, especially when it comes to how to make a truly light and flaky piecrust, but I do value her opinion. If you do break the news to your moms, keep it casual. There’s no need to announce your questioning in the Fourth of July family newsletter.

Secondly, welcome to the world of bicuriosity! Your basket of hair products and pleather checkbook covers are in the mail. There’s no need to wear a nametag, however (although, boy would that help). As I’ve said before, sexuality isn’t something that’s fixed. It changes, sometimes even in the course of an evening.

“It seems dangerous to initiate a relationship with someone and risk getting invested before I know whether or not I’m capable of having sexytime with them,” you said, but bear in mind that all dating is risky. Sometimes it works out, most of the time it doesn’t, but there’s no use worrying about what you can’t control. If you go out with a girl and you’re not feeling it, no problem. It happens all the time. Try not to pressure yourself when you go on potential dates. We all have to start somewhere when we’re exploring our sexuality, even if eventually we all end up back at Kevin Bacon.

My mom would like to add: “Good mother(s) tend to love their daughters and want only the best for them. They want to share their mistakes and learning experiences in order to prevent some heartache and emotional scarring that they may have experienced as young women. Don’t forget your Aunties and grandmas too.”

Readers, what strategies have helped you overcome body issues and do you talk to your families about your love lives?

Got a question of your own? Send it to [email protected].

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button