News

“The Real L Word” minicap: Episode One “The Power of the Clam”

When The L Word first aired in 2004, it was heralded as a groundbreaking television event for the often forgotten, always marginalized lesbian community. It spawned fan sites, message boards, and artwork. It created Tibette worshippers and Jenny haters. It turned the name “Shane” into an adjective. It made me make sock puppets.

Now we have The Real L Word, and its six telegenic cast members: Tracy, Mikey, Whitney, Rose, Jill and Nikki. Like the original The L Word, the girls are femme-y, trendy and busy-busy. Unlike TLW, they don’t know each other, no one is writing a book about them and no one dies in a swimming pool.

To establish their lesbian street creds, the show begins with each one regaling the details of the first time they had girl sex.

Like a mugging victim who only sees the gun, and not the perpetrator’s face, Rose recalls having a breast in her mouth for the first time, but not the girl’s name. Nikki threw caution to the wind, (along with her top) and may or may not have scared the other girl. Her current partner, Jill, says she thought to herself: “Oh my God. What did I just do?” She could be talking about her first woman; she could be talking about this show. Hard to tell.

Tracy’s first time with a girl included foreplay. And by foreplay, she means doing four shots at a gay bar before heading home and letting the other girl “take the reins.” And then there’s precocious, little Whitney.

Whitney: I’m uh, nine and she’s 11. She’s got boobs. We were trying to be all romantic and sexy. I was like, “Oh, let me put whipped cream all over you and lick it off.” I didn’t have whipped cream, but I did have sour cream. So I put sour cream on her boobs. And I thought to make it sweet, I would put Fruity Pebbles on top of it. And I proceeded to eat it off… I’m just saying.

Whitney: putting the “date” in play date.

Mikey swaggers in, peels off her shades, loosens her tie and boasts that she found herself giving a girl an orgasm right out of the gate. She says, “I was literally eating p—y, the first f—ing time I had sex with a woman, and it was awesome.”

The Situation called. He wants his penis back.

“I love women, and not in a douche baggy way,” says Whitney, the walking sound bite. After picking up two San Francisco friends, Taylor and Sara (pronounced “Sada” like Sara Ramirez) from the airport, Whitney takes them out to lunch, where they complain about LA being overrun by femmes. Whitney observes that LA lesbians are more polished and lack the “working hands” of New York lesbians. So true. I haven’t had to churn butter since I left New York and now my hands are as soft as kitten paws.

Whitney tells Sara that she should move to LA. Apparently, they had a thing, and it might still be a bit of a thing. Keep your friends close, but your things closer, I always say.

Hug it out while you can, girls. You might be strangling each other later.

Elsewhere, TiBette doppelgangers, Nikki and Jill, (Jillki? Nikkill?) Do what all lesbians do during a quiet evening at home: look at old summer camp photos and paint each other’s toenails. “This little piggy went to Gucci, and this little piggy went to H & M, ’cause you gotta keep it real,” Nikki chimes.

I’m sure all you nesters out there can relate.

Mikey is at work, overseeing a fashion photo shoot. Her duties include art directing the male models and talking about her own imaginary “schlong.” She’s hired her makeup artist girlfriend because it’s one of the few ways two busy go-getters can spend any time together. Mikey tells the world, “When I first met Raquel, I thought she was a tranny. She cornered me against a wall and tried to choke me out.”

Somewhere, Chaiken is thinking, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Let’s meet 29-year-old studio executive, Tracy. Contrary to the show’s marketing materials, she isn’t “new to the lesbian scene” unless you consider being out for four years “new.” She enjoys skateboarding, talking to her mom in New Jersey on a regular basis, and walking around her backyard in a bra.

And she’s the normal one.

Later that night, Rose goes to Truckstop, the Friday night girl party in West Hollywood made famous by the LOGO show, Gimme Sugar. Also, Tracy’s unseen roommate, Michele, was on LOGO’s lesbian surfers show, Curl Girls. If you’re a Los Angeles lesbian and you haven’t been on LOGO yet, wait five minutes. We’re coming for you.

A self-proclaimed reformed bad girl, Rose’s modus operandi is “For one girl that says ‘no,’ there are 10 that are going to say ‘yes.'” But only when the question is, “Am I super effing loud?”

While homebodies Nikki and Jill make butterless popcorn and give each other manicures, Whitney takes Sara and the rest of her crew to The Betty, another local girl party. She turns and runs face-first into Romi, a cute girl with cropped hair that she slept with not too long ago. Awkward.

Outside, Romi cries, Whitney gently tells her not to listen to people who say she’s a player, and Whitney’s friend, Scarlett, sighs with familiar boredom as they watch Romi scurry away. “Women who love too much” takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to this one.

It’s 1:30 AM and Rose decides to head home to her girlfriend, Natalie, who’s been sleeping all this time. When one half of a couple is a party girl, and the other is not, you have to have trust, acceptance, and an ability to fall back to sleep, even if the bed suddenly smells like vodka and stripper.

The next morning, Nikki and Jill sit in their well-appointed kitchen and shop for wedding outfits for their not-legal wedding.

Nikki finds a drapey dress for Jill, who wrinkles her nose in distaste. Nikki ignores her and then googles Dolce & Gabbana and Gucci white wedding suits for herself, because she doesn’t do the twin thing. Jill drops a hint she’d like to see her wife in a dress, too, but Nikki wears the pants in this family, so Jill retreats to what’s clearly the familiar role of supporting spouse.

Jill: If a suit is what you love…

Nikki: I’m very self-conscious. I don’t want to look like I have cleavage, like I have an ass on my chest.

I dunno. I’ve never minded having an ass on my chest.

On the other side of town, we meet Tracy’s girlfriend, Stamie. Stamie has three toddlers from a previous relationship: Jagger, and twins, Niko and Dautry. Six months ago, I doubt Tracy could have imagined she’d be in a relationship with four people, three of whom wear pull-ups.

Getting involved with someone with three children is big decision. If I wanted my house to be invaded by wild-haired people who break things and are prone to tantrums, I’ll just throw another house party.

Stamie’s kids are angels compared to Mikey when she’s at work. While auditioning runway models for LA Fashion Week, she blows a gasket when it becomes apparent that many of them have no experience whatsoever. Mikey gets the modeling agency on the horn.

Mikey: There’s a big misunderstanding here. Exactly, I… [listening] If I were you, I’d be really careful how you have this conversation with me because I am really good at not working with an agency, and we do produce all of LA Fashion Week. You need not ever send anybody here without a book, and without a comp card. ‘Kay? [listening] Tell you what. We’ll never work with your f—ing agency. Don’t ever f—ing call my showroom.

Mikey throws the agency’s models out on their asses. I almost feel bad for them except, you know. They’re models.

What’s for dinner? Whitney, her three roommates, and their five dogs throw a party. To prepare, the “pumps” prep the food, while the “pants” get in the way and compliment their garlic chopping skills. The “pups” don’t have to do anything except be held and get pampered. It’s good to be a lesbian’s dog.

Rose likes to have dinner with her family, but only when her mother isn’t around. With the exception of her mom, Rose’s family is supportive, loving and crazy about Natalie because she’s good for their wild child. Natalie mentions having children someday soon. Rose’s face turns to stone.

Over at Mikey’s, she’s starving but won’t lift a finger. She prefers to wait until Raquel gets home and have her make dinner. Her contribution is to puts her dirty kicks on the countertop and refuse to help. Endearing. I have friend who did that with his wife. They’re getting divorced.

Whitney’s party is underway. Her roommates theorize that her ability to attract so many girls lies in her “Power of the Clam.”

Whitney never means to hurt anyone. She just loves women and doesn’t want anything serious. But someone always leaves the bar crying. Dear God, she really is Shane.

After some Lean Cuisine and two buck Chuck, Mikey says she feels like a man with a “12-inch cock,” and drags Raquel off to bed. She says, “You be Jillian Michaels, and I’ll be Jackie Warner. We can sword-fight it out.”

Mikey has the weirdest penis envy I’ve ever seen.

Raquel: It’s like the Romeo and Juliet story, but they woke up. And they reconnected, and they’re living their lives somewhere. Yeah.

Mikey: I’m a top, and she’s a bottom.

Raquel: Except when I’m a top, and you’re a bottom…

So like Romeo and Juliet.

While Mikey and Raquel reenact “The Taming of the Shrew” for xtube, Nikki and Jill are meeting with a wedding planner. Nikki thinks the budget should be “breaking the bank.” More practical than her fiancée, Jill would like to keep the budget to something under the price of a new BMW.

Just because you can afford it, doesn’t mean it’s worth it. Sort of like ordering Showtime.

It’s Thursday night and everyone is converging on JetSetter, yet another girl party in Hollywood. I remember the night well, and so does Karman. The cast showed up, lights and cameras in tow, prompting a fun, new game for the rest of us called “Duck!” Contrary to popular belief, not everyone wants to be on a reality show. Not even in the background. Unlike the usual lesbionic fun we have at Crown Bar, there were also an inordinate number of straight men there that night, which spawned a separate game called “Who Invited the Creepy Gawkers?”

Since the ladies don’t really know each other, the first thing Whitney does is hone in on Tracy, natch. She tells Scarlett, “Hey, I’m going to go down there. I want to go meet that girl.” Welp, at least she’s honest. Whitney slides on up to Tracy, who innocently tells her where she lives.

While Whitney deftly chats up Tracy right under Sara’s nose, Rose runs into someone, whom she picks up off the ground and bear hugs. Natalie wants to stick together — they’re girlfriends, after all — but Rose is suddenly calling her “dude” and telling her to chill out. Whitney operates with the precision of a surgeon, while Rose is more like medieval dentistry.

After Whitney invites Tracy for coffee, Tracy quickly tells her she has a girlfriend. By now, Sara is getting upset, so Whitney counters with things like, “What girl?” “Are you serious?” and “That is not my f—ing type.” The Power of the Clam is all about plausible denial. For her big finale, Whitney turns the tables on Sara and says she’s making her heart hurt. Oh, she’s good.

Around the 50 minute mark, the lesbians have gone “from fighting to f—ing.” Whitney has smoothed things over with Sara and is now enjoying the fruits of her labor. Elsewhere, sweet, trusting Natalie finally has Rose right where she wants her: at home and all to herself.

Someone whispers something I’m not allowed to print, but suffice it to say, everyone had a happy ending.

The next day, Whitney wonders what it is about Sara that’s so much more alluring than other girls. I’ll give you 400 reasons.

It’s time for Sara to fly home. Immediately after dropping her off at one terminal, Whitney drives over to the next one and picks up a new girl, who’s just landed. There’s the red zone, the white zone and Whitney’s zone. There is no parking in the Whitney zone.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button