Megan Fox is not the next Catwoman


Megan Fox, I just wanted to let you know you can have this Catwoman costume — when you pry it from mine and Michelle Pfeiffer‘s cold, dead hands.

It’s none of your business what we were doing with it, and yes, we also have the whip, and it’s none of your business what we were doing with that either. The point is, you and I both know that Chris Nolan is not going to cast you in the next Batman movie. It’s not that you’re not awesome as a &mdash what’s your role in Transformers, again? Oh, right — bikini-wearer, but superheroes and robots are not the same thing.

You know who doesn’t seem to know that you’re not going to be the next Catwoman? The Internet. It’s hard to open up Google Reader these days without finding six or seven blogs claiming that you’ve locked up the role. It is out of control this week, thanks to an “article” in The Sun. They’ve even put your head on Halle Berry‘s body. (I agree: it’s an abomination.)

So, why don’t you take some time from your busy schedule promoting Your Jennifer’s Body to shoot down the rumors? I’ll be over here casting the actual nextCatwoman. It will save Chris Nolan lots of time, and we can finally put this issue to bed.

Potential Catwomen now that we know this Megan Fox thing is never going to happen:

Anne Hathaway — The flip side of the corrupt Catwoman is the vulnerable Selina Kyle. You have to believe one to believe the other. We like Hathaway tortured (Rachel Getting Married), but we loved Get Smart so much that we bought it on DVD. Why not combine the tortured/action magic. That’s what Batman is all about.

Eliza Dushku — She’s not your typical A-lister, but part the pull of Batman is the Indie-gasm we get from seeing Maggie Gyllenhaal and Aaron Eckhart rock summer blockbusters. Dushku is a cult favorite and might be just the kind of Batman villain coup we’ve come to love.

Rosario Dawson — She was the voice of Artemis in the new Wonder Woman animated movie, and Catwoman’s sultry inflection is almost half the battle. It’s time for Dawson to make the full throttle leap to permanent superstar, and Catwoman could be the way for her to do it. Plus, Sin City proved that full-on leather agrees with her.

Emily Blunt — How about a British Selina Kyle and an American Catwoman? That’ll befuddle Batman/Bruce Wayne! (Her accent throws us, that’s for sure.) Like Dushku, Emily Blunt brings the Indie(ish) card into play. She doesn’t have any action credentials to speak of, but after seeing her in The Devil Wears Prada, we know she’d have no trouble welding a firearm.

Eva Mendes — There is something naturally feline about Eva Mendes, and we can’t overstate the importance of lips inside that Catwoman face mask. She’s a seasoned green screen-er after playing Sand Saref in The Spirit, and there’s no doubt she’s got the seductress thing down.

Leave your casting suggestions in the comments, and let’s stop this Megan Fox thing once and for all.

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