Boston, MA
Bart, a tabby Maine Coon living in the Boston area enjoys saving his big, over-the-top, dance-party poops for when his owner/mother has a date over and they are just about to get it on. Bart’s mother has enlisted the help of Selena Aphrodite, a local pet psychic who specializes in cats, dogs, and bunnies. Ms. Aphrodite agreed to share messages received from Bart with AfterEllen.
“Yeah, I don’t really have a lot going on right now. I guess that I could poop any other time, but do I want to? No, no. I don’t.” Bart continued, ” Something about my mom having a date over just really triggers my bowels.”
Bart’s mother, whose name he does not know, told AE, “He does it every damn time I’m about to hook up. His litter box is literally 10 feet away from my bed and he goes in there and starts wrestling around. I don’t understand. It feels intentional. I mean, WHAT on earth is he doing in there?”
“Not to mention the smell…” Bart’s mom whispers as if attempting not to offend him. “I wasn’t sure if I should light a candle and pretend like I was just trying to create ambiance or just completely stop what I was doing and take the entire litter box outside.”
And it’s not just hefty packages in the litter — other feline antics seem hell-bent on interrupting lovemaking. As soon as things between Bart’s mom and her date move to the bed, Bart gets a case of “the zoomies,” tearing across the length of the studio apartment like a very small, spooked horse. Selena Aphrodite says this is actually not uncommon among her clients.
We asked Bart about reports that he can be a bit of a mean boy to new ladies. Bart responded, “Well, my mom says that I am in fact a good and handsome boy, maybe even the best boy in the whole world, but I do enjoy offering her first dates my belly and then when they go to rub it, I attack. They all fall for it. What are they thinking? Do they really think they’ve earned the belly??”
Bart takes a quick nap in the middle of our interview and then continues, “I need the new gal to know from the get-go who is really in charge here. Mom’s money and energy will continue to go towards getting me the very specific canned food that I need for survival.”
We caught up with Bart’s mom’s date as she was leaving. “I kind of felt like that cat was trying to metaphorically top me. At first I thought he was cute, but then he made eye contact with me while slowing pushing my glasses off of the bedside table. It felt like a threat.”
Bart’s owner responded “Bart didn’t really mean to do it and he is a very good and handsome boy.” She had to wrap up the interview because baby Bart was out of his grain-free organic tuna pâté and we don’t need him getting hungie.
Bart denied all allegations that his poos are stinky.
