A Field Guide to the Five Other Lesbians in Your Area

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It’s 2018. Most of the lesbian bars have shut down, and you are trying to get laid — I mean connect with the rest of the community. Well fear not! There are dozens, if not five entire lesbians living in your city! AfterEllen presents:

A Field Guide to the Five Other Lesbians in Your Area!

Barb from Florida

Watch out because she just left her psycho ex and moved here from Florida! Specifically, the part of Florida you have never heard of before. She typically dresses in tank tops and cargo shorts, or as I like to call it “croc hunter couture.” She is the sole individual responsible for keeping PacSun in business, and has probably lost one of her thumb rings inside of someone at some point. It’s relaxing to hang out with a girl who isn’t swallowed up by identity politics, but on the downside, her other politics haven’t evolved much since the 90’s either. Get ready to hear stunning revelations like “I think ALL lives matter” and “back where I’m from, gender fluid just means semen.”

Snapback Suzy

If you’ve ever been “next up” at beer pong for over two hours, or seen a girl mistaking a sports bra for a bathing suit, you’ve probably encountered snapback Suzy. Nobody has seen the actual top of her head since elementary school, but at this point her forehead tan lines are too weird to turn back. Suzy doesn’t talk but has a very compelling grunt. This is a girl who has her priorities in order: slamming down cold ones, getting needlessly aggressive during rainbow league kickball, and making sure you know she tore her ACL a few years back but could have totally made it to the championships. Her ponytail remains low and close to her body at all times; do not touch it.

via GIPHY

Radical Cathy

Cathy’s last name used to be Manson but she changed it to Womanson. She is intentionally vague about what she does for a living, but is constantly talking about vaginas and witchcraft, so we will assume she is some sort of Voodoo gynecologist. This woman is difficult to take out on the town and will probably try to show a club bouncer her astrological birth chart instead of her actual ID, which you have never seen. Aside from her Wiccan tendencies, she is very committed to fighting the patriarchy in your everyday life through new-age self care practices: Yonic screaming, menstrual paintball, and labia origami. Sure, she can come off a bit militant, but despite all her rage she is still just a witch with some sage.

The Decoy

You met her on Tinder. She is your age, and in your area and Super Liked you! Her profile pic is just a butt. You have one of those, so you already know you have a lot in common. Plus, she is super hot, probably one of the hottest girls you’ve ever seen. Conversation is flowing nicely, and you decide to set up a date to talk over drinks. That’s when she hits you with “my hubby and I are a very ‘open-minded’ couple looking to use you as a prop in our otherwise monotonous sex life! I know you said you were gay and all, but he just wants to rub his beard on your pussy. We go to Burning Man EVERY YEAR.” This is the decoy. She is not a lesbian or bi woman. She is, in fact, the same chick that probably called you a dyke in high school for wearing JNCOs. Regardless of the irony, run.

Baphomet

Baphomet is in your area, and all areas that were since the dawn of time. She’s super hard to get a hold of and the process to summon her is really difficult involving some stone tablets and lots of blood (Radical Cathy can probably help you). Once you summon her she is WILD. She’s got a bangin’ bod and she knows it. Her titties stay out at all times, and she’s always flashing the shocker in photos. There are some drawbacks to dating this party animal. The news keeps reporting that farmers are finding petrified goat carcasses and it’s getting worse. Baphomet seems to avoid this topic and get’s very passive aggressive if you even bring up the trail of goat skulls leading to your apartment that appears whenever she stays over. Then there’s the constant sleep talking in thousands of different voices that sound like nothing from our world. She also likes her steaks well done, which is just weird right? If you can handle her quirks, it could be a match made in hell.


 

Rose Vineshank is a standup comedian and comedy writer based out of Baltimore. She is heavily influenced by Tim Heidecker, Chris Fleming, and Maria Bamford. For more of her absurd lesbian content, like her fan page at https://www.facebook.com/rosevineshankcomedy/ on Facebook, or on her website https://rosevineshank.wixsite.com/rosevineshank.