Lesbianing with AE: How to Deal with Your Girlfriend’s Insecurity

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Dear Lindsey,

My girlfriend’s been acting super weird and insecure for like a month. I’ve asked her what is going on but she shuts down and says she’s stressed or anxious. She’s become more clingy – we cuddle and watch tv and stuff, but she like throws herself on me. When we have sex she asks me if it feels good, or if I’m close to coming, but she does it in this kind of whiny way that she never used to. That really takes me out of the moment – and it’s like if I tell her to do something a little different than she is doing she gets weird about it. At first I tried to go out of my way to reassure her – telling her she is beautiful or sexy or that I love her – but it’s getting old. I can’t fix her problem when she won’t talk about it.

– Insecure

Dear Insecure,

What’s changed in the last month to have your partner feeling clingy and insecure?

With sudden shifts of mood, always look for patterns. These may be historic patterns — we can all get a little crabby when it’s the time of year when our first loves crushed our hearts, say — or changes to other parts of her life.

With sudden shifts of mood, always look for patterns. These may be historic patterns — we can all get a little crabby when it’s the time of year when our first loves crushed our hearts, say — or changes to other parts of her life.

If she got a major dressing down at work, her self-esteem may be suffering – translating to a bedroom lack of confidence. If she put on a few pounds, she might not feel sexy in her skin any longer, thus the uptick in reassurance requests.

It sounds like touch is her love language, so she is seeking attention and reassurance from you through increased physical intimacy.

You can try to ward off the insecurities you know are coming by meeting her needs with loving energies.

Hold out your arm and let her snuggle with you while you watch tv.

Make dirty talk part of your sex life by narrating how amazing she is making you feel – and she may be less likely to ask “is this good for you? or this? what about this?”

Give her more with the understanding that she is at a low point right now and needs more from you.

In every relationship, people go through cycles of high and low needs, high and low give and take  – and healthy relationships find a balance that works for both parties.

A touchy mood during a breakup anniversary will come this month and go the next, but if these changes are part of an overall downward trend for her, your partner may need more help than you can give, such as therapy.

Try talking openly about what’s going on with non-judgmental language like, “I noticed you’ve been wanting more cuddles lately – what’s motivating that behavior?” She should be able to talk about it with you rather than shut down.

Insecurity is a flawed coping mechanism at best, or a control mechanism at worst. It sounds like your girlfriend is having a temporary setback, but if she tries to control your behavior in other ways — isolating you from friends, accusing you of cheating, snooping through your phone or email — these are major red flags of an unhealthy relationship.

You can try to solve this problem, or you can pull the ripcord and bail on this. I don’t know how long you have been together or how much you’ve invested in this relationship, but you don’t owe your girlfriend sustained emotional babysitting. If you break up over this, it means you were not long-term compatible together.


Do you need Lindsey’s advice? Write to the editor here: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

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