“Gimme Sugar: Miami” mini-cap 2.5: “Dark Comedy”


When we last saw Charlene, her bosses, Linda and Michelle, were pulling the plug on her Mission Possible. Even with explicit instructions, plenty of resources and local contacts, Char blew it: Truck Stop: Miami is over before it began. This show will self-destruct in five seconds, if it hasn’t already.

This week, Charlene goes down to the beach to add her salty tears to the brine of the Atlantic Ocean. Alex and Davonee are soaking in some rays when they hear the news that Linda and Michelle have had it with Charlene and her upside-down priorities: friend drama and coffee dates — yes, booking venues and scheduling meetings — nah.

Without a hint of irony, Charlene says in her voice over, “I feel horrible. Alex is here for such a short time, and now I have to deal with this Truck Stop drama.”

Davonee suggests they “go behind their back and run this s–t anyway.” Alex doesn’t know what to think, but offers her support anyway. Charlene decides the best course of action involves drinking heavily. I’m pretty sure this is how we ended up in Iraq.

Meanwhile, Hilary is vlogging from the counter of a coffee joint. Guess she didn’t get the tripod I sent her for her birthday. Today’s hot topic is the role of peacemaker within a group of friends. Hilary reports that theirs is Maisi, the opinionated, slightly bossy Latina who once told Char, “If you need to know anything, you’re going to ask us, not them.” “Them” being anyone else with a pulse on planet Earth.

In Hilary’s opinion, Maisi would be a better peacemaker by butting out of it when it comes to Jazmin, Gaby’s girlfriend. To review: Hilary doesn’t love the Jazmin-Gaby relationship because she thinks it’s interfering in her friendship with Gaby. Hilary says her friendship with Jazmin works best when they don’t have to talk to each other. Hilary’s definition of friendship is different from yours and mine.

Later, the Ban Ki-moon of Miami lesbians goes to see Jazmin at the salon where she works to broker a truce and get a trim. Jazmin says with a smirk that she’d be OK talking to Hilary but “she is not, like, complementing my life.” Not like this hat, anyway.

Maisi: When you have friends, and you go through issues, you fix them, so you can stay friends. You guys are not fixing the issue.

Jazmin: I think it would be grand if you were in the room and you were like, “Chaca laca, chaca laca, talk,” and we’re great. And when we do that, like, maybe we can move forward. But she drives me insane.

Someone who may or may not like both the chaca and the laca? Alex. Later that night at dinner, the Miami girls learn that Alex is bisexual when Davonee treats everyone to her one-woman show, “Hot Dogs and Tacos: Alex’s Story.”

Alex is seriously not amused. What? No sense of humor, kitten? Are bisexuals the new lesbians? The table warns Davonee to lay off Alex or she might not be funny later at her comedy show, as if that would be the reason.

Outside the theater for Alex’s show, tensions between Charlene and Davonee reach critical mass. In defense of her BFF, Alex, Charlene didn’t like the bi jokes at dinner. Davonee thinks Charlene should worry more about Truck Stop and less about the fact that she’s silly and obnoxious.

Charlene: You’re a drunk. I understand that.

Davonee: That’s my business. You got a lot of s–t to do. Your job is on the line.

Charlene: Do you understand? Do you understand?

Davonee: Oh my God.

Charlene: Do you understand? A) You’re my sister. Do you know how much I f—ing love you?

Davonee: You need to worry about yourself. You got your f—ing job on the line!

Before she can proceed to B), Charlene decides to storm off, then doubles back, stabs her finger in the air at Davonee and yells at her some more. From across the street, it looks just like a fight between two hookers.

They make up by agreeing there would be no LA Truck Stop without Charlene. I’m sure Linda and Michelle would agree their livelihoods are riding on the stocky shoulders and asymmetrical hair cut of a 28-year-old who cries at the drop of a hat.

Inside, the others should be crying because they’re being subjected to Alex’s idea of stand-up comedy. Here are her jokes:

About herself: “People are always judging me because of the way that I look. Like, ‘Oh, you’re a model; you’re easy and you’re stupid.’ That’s just not true — I’m not stupid.”

About work: “I love when people threaten employees of restaurants that they’re ‘never coming back’ there again. Like we give a s–t, right?”

Oh, ha ha ha! Right? Good one! Girl you are funny! Um, can we go back to the punchline of that first joke?

The next day, Charlene, Davonee and Alex go surfing, because LOGO knows lesbians love surfing. Later, they visit a playground because the little monkey in the troupe misses swinging and hanging from things. No wonder there’s no way to organize a lesbian club event that could gross thousands of dollars in a single night. Who has that kind of time?

Charlene and Alex do some more processing about the sordid state of Truck Stop affairs. Eesh. I’ll be over there with Davonee.

Later, at dinner, Alex asks Davonee what she expects to get out of being in Miami, out of life. Thinking makes her head hurt.

Before Davonee does any more deep thinking and hurts herself, they change topics and talk about doing Truck Stop for themselves. Alex warns them Linda and Michelle will sue their asses if they use the name, but go rogue. Yeah, sneaky and self-serving is never a good plan unless you’re on a reality show or running for office.

Out of nowhere, Maisi comes belly dancing in to give the girls some more good advice.

Hips don’t lie.

Back at the house, Charlene and the others are met with tea lights, streamers and a mushy, “I love ya!” handmade card from “Little Nugget,” aka Hilary. Charlene is so touched, guess what happens? Here’s a hint: Boys don’t — (but Charlene does.)

To celebrate their awesome friends-4-ever friendship, and Alex’s last night in Miami, the girls play every “summer party game” they can think of. This one is called “Lick These, Slap That.” Hey I know that game, too, except where I come from, we call it, “Thursday night.”

And it’s all fun and games until someone loses a toe. Well, not really, but Alex has stepped on some broken glass. Hilary warns they should wash out the cut because the glasses had “mouth juices” on them.

Charlene and Alex spend their last moments together in the bathroom with Alex’s foot in the sink. Char sends her best friend home with mouth juices migrating into her bloodstream, down feathers in her hair, a wicked hangover, and the sense that, with Hilary and Maisi by her side, everything’s gonna be A-OK.

Next week: The season finale. Everything is not A-OK. Where’s the fun in that?

U.S. viewers can watch the latest episode at logoonline.com.

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