15 Free Date Ideas You’ll Actually Like

Broke bitches need love too.

I have a confession: I am not rich. Shockingly, my high-flying career in writing for the internet, writing screenplays, and being a clothes-hauling sherpa bitch (also known as a stylist’s assistant) has not made it rain. Hell, it hasn’t even made it drizzle. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on POV, I only date losers who somehow manage to be even less ballin’ than me. Frankly time and time again, I find myself buying tacos for a beautiful aspiring matressian (model/actress/comedian) whose facial symmetry hides a messy mind and negative bank balance. Pretty, poor, and unaccomplished: that’s how I like ‘em.

In honor of myself, the broke bitches my thighs hold so dear, and all the scrubs out there just trying to get it, here are 15 free date ideas you’ll actually like.

1. Get lost in an enormous nature preserve…with libations. 


Stack the odds with mind-altering substances plus no better options. Just make sure to bring a paper map (#retro) for when it’s time to go or she starts to get on your nerves.

2. Play a two person game.


Geocatching? Twister? Tarot card read-off? Ask what games her riled up and competitive, then brush up. Competitive girls are sexy.

3. Go to the farmers market.


Festive and full of samples.

4. Complete the trilogy.


The Godfather, Star Wars, Mission Impossible, Austin Powers, Ingar Bergman, X-Men, Jurassic Park, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, Indiana Jones, Back to The Future, The Bourne. All good, girl.

5. Try a video game tournament.


Nerd is so trendy right now. Two person game, plus back up and second runner-up. If one of you is great at it, tone down the urge to show off and teach without lecturing. Let her win a little and pay heaps of compliments.

6. Map your astrological charts.


Boho dork. Bomb. Websites like chaosastrology.net and cafeastrology.com will map not only your sign, but your extended astro family of houses, ascending, etc. Get as crafty, creative, and nerdy as you want by arranging the results in a decorative board. Or just write them down, create a doc, whatever.

7. Find the closest freshwater, swimmable body of water and splash in. 


Or pretend to tour a fancy gym/sports club/and country club and make everything your can out of those facilities. They’re always trying to sell memberships, so look rich and act like a couple sisters finding a place for Daddy, Muffy and the whole gang. Grey Gardens, yo.