Like, gag me with a spoon: Hollywood serves up the ’80s


Remember the ’80s? Big hair, big belts and blue eye shadow. The Bangles taught us to “Walk Like an Egyptian.” Conservative Christians crucified Madonna for her latest video devilry (OK, some things never change). And at The Breakfast Club, Claire (Molly Ringwald) realized that, despite all their differences, she really could fall for Allison (Ally Sheedy). Oh, wait — that was me.

With this week’s theatrical release of Transformers, everyone’s saying the ’80s are Hollywood vogue. And it’s true that we’ll soon be seeing an animated Thundercats, G.I. Joe, and a live-action He-Man (I’m not kidding). Not to mention that a sixty-something Indiana Jones will find something else to raid in 2008. (AfterEllen hottie No. 48 Cate Blanchett will appear in that one — count me in!)

I was the ’80s girl who ditched her Care Bears for the neighbor’s more poseable boy-dolls, so even though the trailer for Transformers features stunningly hackneyed dialogue like “The car picks the driver. It’s a mystical bond between man and machine,” I can’t help but feel a little nostalgic. And all these years later, I know what was missing back then: the lovely Australian lass Rachael Taylor. Here she is as Maggie Madsen, head of a DOD anti-robot team:

Probably few Pentagon employees show up to work with a lacy black bra peeking out, but whatever. At least she has the underwires to support a run for her life, unlike Megan Fox, whose character Mikaela Banes could be auditioning for an episode of What Not to Wear to Armageddon:

Between this apocalyptic monster car rally and other upcoming flicks, ’80s revivals so far whiff with testosterone. So, in the spirit of bad machine’s Fake Summer Blockbusters, here are a few of my (dorky) attempts at giving ’80s nostalgia a lesbi-lift.

Thunder Cat-Woman, starring Rebecca Romijn as Cheetara. Thundercats, hello!

She-Rayne, starring Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez. The Princess of Power meets her match.

The L Team, starring Rose Rollins. Yeah, she pities the fool.

Any other eighties-tastic suggestions? Do we need a Rambabe? a Mad Maxine? The Wonder Queers?

Hello? Anybody? Bueller?

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