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“The Fosters” recap (1.01): “So you’re dykes?”

We lesbians are like labradors, loyal, adorable, liable to trip over our own feet, and eternally hopeful. You tell us there might be lesbians on a television show and we’ll come sit on your feet until they appear. We’re used to scraps, but we’re lesbradors so we’ll take what we can get and we’ll wag our tails and not bark too much. Hell, we’ll show up for a show without lesbians if there is a possibility of a dream sequence or a not-quite-platonic sleepover. So, it was a given we’d show up for The Fosters, a show built around a two-mom family, but we didn’t know if we were in for filet mignon or the remains of that casserole your Aunt Ida brought and no one touched.

Our story begins at Shawshank where Callie is getting the crap beat out of her by a couple of ladies twice her age who just happened to wander into juvie and decided it was way cozier than the grown-up prison. It’s Callie’s day to finally finish digging a hole under Raquel Welch so they give her a beating just for good measure. Don’t forget to write!

The music playing while Callie gets her skull cracked turns out to be coming from Brandon who is playing piano onstage while Stef sits in the audience in full proud mom mode. She’s in her police uniform and solidifies her awkward gay street cred by having her phone attached to her hip with a phone holster. Oh dear. Having kids is supposed to help you avoid the mom pitfalls, like mom jeans, mom haircuts (“the best part about it is that I don’t even have to think about it”), and a grasp of pop culture that extends only as far as the year you graduated from high school. Stef’s just sitting there marveling at the fact that a human she made from scratch can play the piano like that. Meanwhile her phone is buzzing like the accoutrement she keeps in her “special” drawer by her bed but she’s too overcome with maternal pride to answer it.

Who is making Stef vibrate? It’s Lena, who is impossibly gorgeous as she sits in her car wondering why her wife is ignoring her calls. A harried looking guy taps on her window and Lena asks where her usual foster kid dealer is and David, the replacement, says that Bill had to meet Tino so he’s filling in. He gives Lena the rundown on Callie who has been having issues with male authority figures so, duh, call in the lesbians. The quick story on Callie is that she got into a fight with her foster father and damaged some of his property which is how she got sent to Azkhaban. Lena tries to tell child services guy that she’s not in the habit of bringing violent kids into her home and he’s like “no worries, it was totes a one time thing.” Lena doesn’t look at all convinced when Callie pops out a side door looking like she’s been in the Golden Gloves. But don’t worry, David has a comforting word about how everyone gets her ass kicked before leaving, it’s sort of like pledging a sorority.

When David skips over to talk to Callie she keeps asking about Jude and where Bill is and when she can talk to Jude. David introduces her to Lena and then says “well you know, I can just send her to the group down the street.” But Lena is a lesbian which means she has to change the channel on those heart shredding Sarah MacLachlan, ASPCA ads, and can’t bear to see Callie shipped off to a group home after she gives Lena the saddest tough girl face in the history of television. “It’s only for a couple of weeks, right?” Oh Lena, that’s what you say when they ask you to take care of the class gerbil over school vacation, I’m not sure it covers this situation.

Back at the HGTV dream home, Callie’s sitting at the table, while Jesus and his twin sister Mariana are setting the table for dinner. Lena tries to spark a conversation by telling Callie that the twins were adopted out of the foster care system five years ago. Jesus asks Callie about the cuts on her face before Lena steps in and tells him to cool it with the questions. Callie makes a break for the loo and Mariana pounces. She wants to know everything about Callie and what she’s doing in their beautiful kitchen.

Lena says she was talking to Bill and it turns out he was in a bind with Callie and it’s just for a few weeks, right? Mariana is suspicious and rightfully so, because Lena was actually talking to Bill about setting up a meeting between the twins and Ana, their birth mother. Lena is confused when Mariana isn’t excited about the meeting since it’s all she has been yammering on about for the last six months. She does the mom thing and blames Jesus, who isn’t interested in meeting mom number three, but he swears he had nothing to do with talking her out of the idea.

Callie’s trying to hold it together in the bathroom, running water to cover the sound of her crying, and splashing cold water on her face to hide the tears. She returns to the table in time to hear Lena bugging the twins about doing their homework. Mariana rats her brother out for not doing his and he whines about it being so much easier for her. In walks the piano man and Lena wants to know how the audition went. They all freak out when he says he made the finals.

Callie slumps onto her stool and Brandon wants to know who this delicate flower is. Lena says “This is Callie, and she’ll be staying with us for a while.” Brandon takes this as I would my mother telling me that she invited a couple randoms for Thanksgiving. Callie breaks up this touching moment by asking how they got Brandon and whether he came from the 99 cent store. Lena completes the expository portion of the evening by explaining that Brandon is her partner’s son from a prior relationship. On cue, in comes Stef with her cop swagger, plants a kiss on Lena, and grabs a brew from the fridge. Jesus enjoys the moment and cracks “What, no one told you my mom’s a cop?” Mariana is less amused claiming that “this” is the reason no boys ever come over. Oh girl, if the boys from school won’t come over to see you it’s not because your hot moms kiss in front of them, it’s you.

Callie, ever the wordsmith, says “So you’re dykes” as Stef takes a swig of her beer (from the can) and leans on the table. Callie goes on to point at Brandon and completes the insensitivity triathlon with “And he’s the real son.” Stef laughs, turns to Lena, and asks, “Who’s this?”

Like every parenting duo with kids old enough to spell, Stef and Lena have to head outdoors to have a discussion about the do’s and don’ts of bringing home stray children. Lena’s all, you weren’t answering your phone and Stef’s all you could have given me a heads up. You know something like, we need half and half and oh right I got us another kid. Stef wants to know what happened to Callie’s face (Team Jesus) and Lena says well it’s a thing they do in juvie. Stef doesn’t like the sound of that and Lena softens her up with her perfect face and by saying that she would have made the same choice if she could have seen Callie’s face. Lena knows this for a proven fact because sad McCullers is a particular weakness for Stef. Stef caves and asks Lena not to collect any more babies because they aren’t The Brady Bunch. We know. You’re The Gaydy Bunch and we love you for it, you adorable moms.

Inside, Stef has switched from beer to something in a mug (my guess is scotch) and is laying out all the ground rules. She’s one “three feet on the floor” rule short of the rules I had in boarding school. Callie wants to know where she’s going to sleep. This isn’t her first rodeo and instead of listening to a bunch of rules she’s ready to sleep.

Lena walks her to the couch and offers her an array of blanket and pillow options before asking Callie to drop the attitude. Lena asks who Jude is and Callie starts assembling the nerve to talk to Lena when Stef pops into the room brimming with efficiency and solutions to problems like pajamas and clothes for the next day. The sight of Stef looking impossibly adorable in her jammies silences Callie (and the rest of us).

Jesus and Mariana are bickering in Spanish (Mariana wants Jesus to leave her alone) until Stef comes in and tells them that they know the rules, no speaking in Spanish in front of the gringas. She tells them that Callie is wrong and that they are just as much their kids at Brandon is. They agree a little too quickly. Now you have just witnessed a mom fail in its natural habitat. This one consists of a mom assuming her kids are bothered by a comment that hurts her own feelings when really they are just bummed out that Bomb Girls isn’t getting a third season.

Callie’s huddled in a giant bathtub with about three tablespoons of water in it. We can see the bruises on her side where the Sigma Chi’s initiated her into the bonds of sisterhood. She reaches out and touches the turtle stickers on the tiled wall.

Brandon’s in his room Ross Gellering out with his giant keyboard and his helicopter sounds when Stef drops by for a chat. She tells Brandon that Callie was in juvie and that it would be great if he could step and up “You know?” He doesn’t have the foggiest idea what she’s talking about and says so. She asks if he’s sure he’s not Lena’s biological son. Genetics jokes, a staple of two mom households everywhere. He says he’d love to chat but he has to read Moby Dick. Going two for two in awkward mom moments, Stef take the opportunity to use Moby Dick as a segue to ask Brandon if he needs condoms. He points to the door and she actually says “What? Protect and serve, it’s my job.” Girl, get your ass to your own bedroom, I’m sure Lena doesn’t mind a little service herself.

Mariana’s taking something out of a box on a kitchen shelf. When she turns around Callie is standing there. Mariana claims she needed a drink of water. Callie isn’t buying it but doesn’t say anything, just checks out what’s in the box when Mariana leaves. She finds pill bottle with a Ritalin prescription for Jesus. She goes to grab the phone but it’s not on the hook.

Lena sets the phone down next to her bed where she’s sitting while Stef grabs the laundry out of their washer/dryer in their closet. Stef dumps the clothes on the bed and Lena starts to apologize, admitting that she would have been pissed if Stef made a big decision without processing it for a weekend in their yurt. Stef folds Callie’s clothes and says she’s ok but that Callie isn’t exactly warm and fuzzy. Lena tells Stef that it really means a lot to her that she’s making an effort with Callie. She reaches into her “special” drawer and for the next several minutes Lena shows Stef just how much it means to her. OK, no that doesn’t happen.

But Stef does kiss her, before playfully shoving Lena to the other side of the bed. Lena calls Stef “Mama Tiger” and I think we can infer the ways Lena makes Stef, um, purr. They chuck seventy-five throw pillows off the bed and get their adorable cuddle on. I love this scene. The only time my wife and I get time to chat about our kids (or anything for that matter) without interruption is in the four minutes we have together, like this, before we pass out at the end of the day.

Callie sneaks into Brandon’s room and steals his phone. She sits in the dark and calls Jude. She says “Hey baby, I’m coming for you. I just have to figure out how to get there.”

The next morning Callie ambles into the kitchen where everyone is engaged in a carefully choreographed clusterfuck of breakfast, backpacks, and ADHD meds. Stef offers Callie orange juice and tells her to make herself at home. Callie grabs a mug and helps herself to some coffee. Apparently, a teenager drinking coffee is the equivalent of a record scratch because everyone stops and gapes.

Lena and Jack, Kack, Mack, and Nack head to school appropriately titled Paily Anchor Beach (mascot: Marauding Coconut Cupcakes. Best known for its cycling team). Lena asks Brandon to take Callie to “Timothy’s class” who she tells Callie is “a lot of fun.” Callie is welcomed to the school with glaring from the Plastics and she scurries off to follow Brandon. He’s practicing for the piano finals and explains the piece he has written. It’s written about that one time his mom and Lena asked him if it was cool for them to adopt the twins. I know, right? Forget “Joyful, joyful, I adore thee,” he’s all “Brandon, Brandon, Let’s make it three?” except without words. Brandon’s girlfriend appears and Brandon shows that he gets all his awkward from Stef by asking Talia to take Callie with her to Timothy’s class.

Timothy is droning on about Metamorphoses and willing yourself to change and then he goes and shows he’s a giant douche by calling on Callie. Dude, first day, haven’t read the book and you call on her. In the words of Jeff Spicoli, “You dick!” he actually asks her “What would you do if you woke up and found yourself living in a nightmare?” Oh you mean like having the shit kicked out of me and bouncing between foster homes? Or do you mean, nightmare like they put regular milk in your soy latte, you douche? He’s officially the worst.

Callie is much more interested in Aiden, who has a car. She tries flirting with Aiden but is terrible at it. He thinks she wants to make out with him and she just moved here from Africa and has been homeschooled forever so she doesn’t know to just play along until she gets the ride she wants. No worries, Regina George will educate her next week.

Mariana tells Jesus that she isn’t ready to meet their birth mom even if he goes with her. She doesn’t tell him that she and Ana have been meeting online to talk and you know, they’ve exchanged pictures and stuff but it just doesn’t feel like the right time to meet, and have decided to meet up that very night on the beach, in the dark, what could possibly go wrong in Rosewood?

Callie is getting ready to ditch school and Mariana gives her a few pointers since Callie was so nice about not ratting her out for stealing her brother’s Ritalin. These two will be partners in all kinds of half baked shenanigans soon. Callie tries to sneak off but runs into Lena. Callie looks at her schedule and says oh, right, just checking my schedule and it says I have “ditching for dastardly deeds” right now. TTFN!

Stef’s at work and they are having a going away party for her former partner. Super dyke cop whispers in Stef’s ear that their boss wants to see Stef in her office and Mike’s hanging around. What a coincidence, Mike doesn’t have a partner at the moment either and she’s pairing them up. Stef laughs and looks for the hidden cameras. Turns out it’s not a joke and Mike asked to be her partner. Dude, let it go. Stef grits her teeth and tells Mike he’s going to get her into a lot of trouble at home. He’s all broken up about it. Or not.

Jesus runs up to Mariana and asks to borrow some money because he’s starving and left his wallet at home. She gives him a hard time, which is funny considering where the money goes eventually. He grabs her purse and pulls out a wad of cash. He asks her about it and she gives him five bucks and tells him to go away. He’s caught between being super hungry and wanting to know where the money came from. His stomach wins.

Brandon gets a call from an unknown number while Talia is telling him all about how her parents are going out of town. She asks him to stay over and while he’s ticking off the reasons it won’t work he spots Callie who uses a classic “if I close my eyes, you can’t see me” approach to hiding in plain sight. Brandon gives up sexy talk and dashes after Callie. While he’s doing his best “Schoolhouse Rocks!” song and dance the phone rings and she grabs it and starts talking. Brandon asks who was on the phone and Callie admits it was her brother. He suggests calling Stef but Callie tells him that if he does that she’ll end up back at Rikers and her brother will still be stuck in the house.

Cedric Diggory and Callie are riding the bus and he asks what happened. She tells him that her foster father caught her little brother wearing a dress and beat the crap out of him. Cedric’s aghast at the notion that someone would hit Callie and her brother and she’s gives him a look like “Ced, I know you’re a Hufflepuff and like to see the good in people and whatnot, but I’ve been living in a cupboard under the stairs for my whole life. So, you know, wake up.” She tells him that she tried to stop her foster dad but he kicked her in the stomach. She ran outside and used a baseball bat to demolish the guy’s car and that’s when the cops showed up and she ended up in juvie because the cops didn’t listen to her.

Back at home Lena walks in to Mariana faking a stomach ache and Jesus sitting down to play video games when he should be getting ready for his brother’s concert. She asks Jesus what’s going on with his sister and before he can say “maybe it’s that time of the month” she goes Claire Huxtable on him and tells him not to say that to a woman, anytime, anywhere, anyhow if he expects not to have his ass handed to him on a tray.

Stef walks in and heads to the fridge. Lena walks in and says “something’s up with the twins.” Stef listens as she cracks open a nice cold string cheese. Lena wonders if she’s pushing the twin too hard to meet Ana, and Stef sagely points out that perhaps they just changed their little teenage minds. The hug and Lena thanks Stef for keeping her sane and which point Stef breaks the news that ex-husband Mike is her new partner at work. Lena doesn’t know what to say and Stef reassures her that it’s just Mike. But Lena seems to have a touch of the green-eyed monster when it comes to her lady love and her ex. Come on Lena, we’re friends with all our exes, no biggie, right?

Ding-dong someone’s at the door and he’s not selling thin mints. “Hello, Newman,” Lena sneers and calls for Brandon. She asks Mike about why he requested to be paired up with Stef and he says that he just feels more comfortable teaming up with her than having her with a rookie. He claims he’s looking out for the kids, too. Right dude. You’re looking out for her very fine ass. Lena tells him that as a feminist she’s totally offended but as Stef’s wife she’s happy to have Mike looking out for Stef. Stef walks in and tells Mike he cleans up nicely in a tone that says, we share a kid, but have you seen my wife?

Jesus bounces down the stairs and announces that Brandon and Callie didn’t walk home from school with them. Mike makes a crack about Callie and how he doesn’t get why they have to take in strays. Fortunately, Stef has installed the app that lets you track your phones and they locate Brandon really easily. They drive off with Stef at the wheel.

At home, Jesus confronts Mariana about the pills missing from his prescription and connects it to all the cash she had in her wallet. It turns out she’s been giving Ana money. Jesus flips out about how their birth mom abandoned them. Mariana tells him that their mom came back so she’s just rolling out the welcome wagon by selling drugs and handing out wads of cash. Later she meets Ana on the beach and hands over the dough.

Callie and Brandon try to sneak into Callie’s old foster house. Brandon tries to distract the foster dad while Callie sneaks in the back. But when the guy sees Callie he lunges at her and then grabs a gun. He waves it at Brandon for a moment before Stef and Mike bust in. As they yell at the guy to drop his gun, Stef catches sight of Callie comforting her brother. If there’s one thing Stef can appreciate it’s a person who protects what she loves. When its all over, Brandon sits in the back of the car next to Jude and says that Jesus used to have the same turtle backpack when he was a kid (and still has the stickers in the bath).

Afterward Callie pleads with Stef to make sure that Jude doesn’t have to go back to the same house with the gun toting maniac. Stef tells her that she’s not disposable or worthless and Lena tells Bill that they’ll take both the kids home for now. Lena rushes to tell Stef that Bill will come pick the kids up the next day but Stef cuts her off and tells her they’ll make room. She’s not going to send the kids back into the system just yet.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I have been looking forward to this show since it was first announced as a kernel of an idea with JLo‘s backing. I had such high expectations for this show and it didn’t disappoint me for a second.

Every interview, preview, discussion with the cast, and tarot reading has emphasized the universality of the show, its themes, and its messages about what it means to be a family. This is all heart-warming, and true, but when we emphasize the universal aspects of the show we are talking to the straight, white, traditional families that a show needs for ratings to stay afloat. But all this talk about how universal the show is glosses over why this show is a big, fucking deal. While we’re busy telling the making the majority comfortable so that they will watch we’re ignoring the fact that this is a show about a two mom family. This is a show, where the piece of it that isn’t universal, that makes this family unique, is essential for some of us. I never dreamed as a kid of getting married or of being a parent. I never dreamed that dream because I couldn’t imagine it. I could imagine the BFG, talking animals, and aliens, but it never crossed my mind that some day I would put on a white dress and say “I do,” because I didn’t know it was possible. I never dreamed that I would grow a tiny person in my belly because I thought that was a dream that people like me couldn’t have.

So go ahead, trumpet the universal because our families are the same in so many ways. But let’s not forget the importance of the fact that this time we’re showing those universal ideas about family through a family that looks a little more like mine, and with people who look a little less like The Brady Bunch, and a little more like our world today. I’ve spent my whole life looking in other people’s windows, trying to squint hard to smudge the edges enough of their lives enough to be able to imagine that it’s not so different from my own. Now, they can stand at the window and squint at us for a while. That, my fellow lesbradors, is something worth wagging our tails about.

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