“The Fosters” recap (1.01): “So you’re dykes?”


We lesbians are like labradors, loyal, adorable, liable to trip over our own feet, and eternally hopeful. You tell us there might be lesbians on a television show and we’ll come sit on your feet until they appear. We’re used to scraps, but we’re lesbradors so we’ll take what we can get and we’ll wag our tails and not bark too much. Hell, we’ll show up for a show without lesbians if there is a possibility of a dream sequence or a not-quite-platonic sleepover. So, it was a given we’d show up for The Fosters, a show built around a two-mom family, but we didn’t know if we were in for filet mignon or the remains of that casserole your Aunt Ida brought and no one touched.

Our story begins at Shawshank where Callie is getting the crap beat out of her by a couple of ladies twice her age who just happened to wander into juvie and decided it was way cozier than the grown-up prison. It’s Callie’s day to finally finish digging a hole under Raquel Welch so they give her a beating just for good measure. Don’t forget to write!

The music playing while Callie gets her skull cracked turns out to be coming from Brandon who is playing piano onstage while Stef sits in the audience in full proud mom mode. She’s in her police uniform and solidifies her awkward gay street cred by having her phone attached to her hip with a phone holster. Oh dear. Having kids is supposed to help you avoid the mom pitfalls, like mom jeans, mom haircuts (“the best part about it is that I don’t even have to think about it”), and a grasp of pop culture that extends only as far as the year you graduated from high school. Stef’s just sitting there marveling at the fact that a human she made from scratch can play the piano like that. Meanwhile her phone is buzzing like the accoutrement she keeps in her “special” drawer by her bed but she’s too overcome with maternal pride to answer it.

Who is making Stef vibrate? It’s Lena, who is impossibly gorgeous as she sits in her car wondering why her wife is ignoring her calls. A harried looking guy taps on her window and Lena asks where her usual foster kid dealer is and David, the replacement, says that Bill had to meet Tino so he’s filling in. He gives Lena the rundown on Callie who has been having issues with male authority figures so, duh, call in the lesbians. The quick story on Callie is that she got into a fight with her foster father and damaged some of his property which is how she got sent to Azkhaban. Lena tries to tell child services guy that she’s not in the habit of bringing violent kids into her home and he’s like “no worries, it was totes a one time thing.” Lena doesn’t look at all convinced when Callie pops out a side door looking like she’s been in the Golden Gloves. But don’t worry, David has a comforting word about how everyone gets her ass kicked before leaving, it’s sort of like pledging a sorority.

When David skips over to talk to Callie she keeps asking about Jude and where Bill is and when she can talk to Jude. David introduces her to Lena and then says “well you know, I can just send her to the group down the street.” But Lena is a lesbian which means she has to change the channel on those heart shredding Sarah MacLachlan, ASPCA ads, and can’t bear to see Callie shipped off to a group home after she gives Lena the saddest tough girl face in the history of television. “It’s only for a couple of weeks, right?” Oh Lena, that’s what you say when they ask you to take care of the class gerbil over school vacation, I’m not sure it covers this situation.

“In the arms of the angel…”

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