The Real L Woes: We Found Love in a Hopeless Place


If you’ve chosen Rihanna as your personal life coach, as I have, you’re going to find out that you’re not actually going to find love in a hopeless place. On the contrary, repeatedly being on the receiving end of a lez be friends situation is the most impossibly devastating place to find yourself and, unfortunately, seems to be the most common place where us single ladies try to find love.

Keep in mind, as lesbians we are the only species who use OkCupid as a rebounding tool, fail, and still hang on to the muddled friendship aftermath. We are also the folks who are desperate to BFF our exes, date our best friends or date our best friend’s exes. Really let those scenarios sink in because you know at least one of those cases describes you and the person you’re planning to happy hour with this evening. Truth is, there’s an entire failed dating spectrum of which we ladies tumultuously attempt relationships, often muddying the pool, leading people on and breaking some hearts- all while hanging on with friendship. Think The Chart, but more painful with less sex.

Public enemy number one is that of the still hung-up on something or other. Granted, I am not notoriously in touch with my feelings, but I am at least willing to give ‘em a go. Without fail, I am magnetically matched with ladies who are still pining after something or other and are completely incapable of dating. The fact that most of these ladies are found on dating sites is seriously annoying, but nonetheless, the newly, deeply and possibly ne’er to be repaired are my jam and, thus, I seem to have all the friends and none of the girlfriends.

Realizing that moving on is not going to magically happen is a hard pill to swallow and I’ve come to find that some girls are rarely going to repair themselves. I can promise you that any girl who claims to be single and ready to mingle while simultaneously talking your ear off about how hot, talented and magnificent her ex-girlfriend is will continue as such until she finds someone else who will put up with that BS or reminds her of said ex.

And say what you will about U-Hauling but my experience tells me that lesbians are the commitment-phobic cream of the crop and trying to force otherwise is hopeless, always. Polyamory is often used to counteract this phenomenon, as are open relationships and playing the field. If you’ve met a wonderful lady, and things seem to be going well except for her pesky aversion to commitment, its best to just politely excuse yourself from the processing table. I can’t tell you an issue that’ll cause more late-night over-thinking sessions than that of trying to find equal ground when there isn’t any. This is unavailability defined and wastes time that you could spend doing more important things, like running home to delete your OkCupid profile and hanging out with your actual friends.

The HOLY BAD NEWS BATMAN of the unavailable trifecta lies in creeping on ladies who are already in relationships. I don’t know what it is about a girl who’s already spoken for, probably the idealism of her already being successful within a relationship, but I can’t think of a worse case scenario than waiting idly by in hopes that someone else’s something should fall apart. Or worse yet, waiting on the sidelines for someone to stray. As much as home-wrecking has provided me with all of my favorite Usher songs, it is not cute. Also, all the black cats and broken mirrors in the world would never match the kind of bad dating karma that’d be a’coming your way.

After backing up off the unavailable ladies and deleting all your online dating accounts, you’re going to be pretty lonely. This is around the time when you’re best friend is starting to look like a sure thing and it seems about time to give the old ex a call. They understand you nearly as well as your dog, you have an arsenal of shared memories and in lesbo world, that’s the stuff that soul mates are made of. I mean, if Harry and Sally can make the leap, bi-golly you can, too.

First of all, making any sort of far out plans with an ex should be avoided because jealousy is bound to rear its ugly head sooner rather than later. Or, if there was an actual issue that ended the relationship, say a lack of respect or validation, she isn’t magically going to treat you differently now. If you didn’t feel validated by her when you were in the relationship, it’s unlikely that she’ll validate you when you’re out of it, especially if you throw caution to the wind and give it another go.

Turns out ladies rarely have miraculous come to Jesus moments where their faults are realized and they will continually search out people who’ll put up with all of their narcissism and insecurity. Ladies rarely learn new tricks.

As for GFing your BF, here’s a thought: Remember once upon a time when someone told you that dating friends more often than not ruins the friendship. If you haven’t heard that, I just told you. Sure, blissful couples like to toss around that they’re with their best friend so I’m saying there’s a chance. Unfortunately, this situation is usually of the hopeless variety and leaves lots of room for someone getting led on in the name of friendship. Truth is those happily paired, best friends, most likely discovered their camaraderie whilst dating and didn’t immediately trade in their BFF necklaces for wedding bands.

After dealing with all of the tumultuous hoops of dating, we all find ourselves in the most hopeless of all places, needing a time-out. Much like that first girl you met on OkCupid, you’ve just had a rough go at it and your emotions have been trampled. Perfectly legit, we’ve all been there, but removing yourself from life is never the right answer. Lucky for me, I’ve met girls who feel the same and are not ones to shy away from a fix her upper. Because I’m usually said fix her up-her. Breaks from dating are often taken in the name of working on ourselves, but shouldn’t we all continually be working on ourselves anyway? Isn’t that the spice of life or something? I think this is a totally legit if you’re incapable of making healthy life choices while simultaneously dating someone.

Depending on the situation, the two can go hand it hand. Sure being an independent lady can be a necessity at times, but I have also met ladies who challenged me and inspired me to be better person. Surrounding yourself with people who are driven, confident and capable of vulnerability and validations would speeds up that whole working on yourself process, eh? So maybe the idea that when life hands you personal life sucking lemons, and you immediately dump everything in the name of weeding out distractions is a little extreme. Or avoiding girls who are having a tough go at life might be a missed connection of epic proportions. Don’t force something or someone that isn’t meant to be, but also remember not to pass up on something just because it seems difficult.

I’ve definitely been guilty of letting myself idle in hopeless situations for far too long because, clearly, I am a glutton for punishment. I don’t learn lessons easily and have repeatedly had to realize that waiting around and putting myself in places where there is no hope of success just shows weakness and insecurity. Mostly the insecurity of there not being another, but I think we’ve all learned that simply isn’t the case.

Waiting in the wings for the unavailable, while simultaneously enabling emails from ex-girlfriends and courting ladies who are on a quest for something better does not a healthy dating life make. In fact, it proves to be the circle of hopelessness. If you find yourself thinking the ladies on The L Word had it easy, it’s time to realize that you are the common denominator and that you can do better. Forget hopeless places, and alternately, don’t create opportunities for love in hopeless spaces. I promise you, there’s someone out there to make you feel like the only girl in the world. Rihanna says so.

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