Archive

The Hook Up: 6-8-2011

There’s a customer where I work who has a crush on me that I in no way reciprocate. She came in again today, and she keeps trying to get me to initiate setting up a time for us to have tea. I’m annoyed, because I feel like a) I haven’t given much of an indication that I actually want to have tea, and b) she’s also trying to get me to be the one who initiates that.

Anyway, I’m just not quite sure how to handle it. Do I have tea and just be very firmly cordial and nothing more? Do I ignore the request? I see her often enough that I don’t feel that comfortable just saying no, and anyway I have no good reason for doing so other than I don’t really want to. I feel like I’m going to end up meeting her once, and try not to be too engaging. I just feel sort of silly about the whole thing.

Anna says: This is the most important part of your letter: “I have no good reason for doing so other than I don’t really want to.” You don’t need another excuse than that. Not wanting to have tea with her is reason enough. It’s so hard for women to say no in a direct, firm manner. I’m guilty of this all the time. I usually can’t even think of the “I’m gay” excuse before I am stupidly accepting some strange man’s phone number out of guilt and a weird sense of obligation not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

But you know what? That’s dumb. Don’t have tea with her. If she ever grows the eggs and asks you outright, say something along the lines of, “I’m flattered you want to spend time with me outside of my place of employment, but no. I’m not interested.” Don’t apologize. Don’t make excuses. Just say no–politely, of course, but quickly. Don’t say you’d like to be friends if it isn’t true. If you really think you can’t do that, then it’s totally plausible to say you can’t because it’s against company policy to date/maintain outside social engagements with customers. But really, you should just tell her no.

Not to sound all after school special, but I strongly recommend you take this opportunity to practice being assertive. We all should. Let’s do it together right now. I’m going to ask you all out and you’re going to reject me. Feel free to insert your own quips and dialogue. And don’t worry about hurting me — I’ve been rejected lots o’ times.

Me: Hey, AfterEllen.com reader!

You: [Cordial, but not flirtatious greeting]

Me: You look pretty hot over there, clicking that mouse or laptop keypad.

You: [Noncommittal sound, a “humph” perhaps, or slow nod]

Me: Speaking of “humphing,” how’s about you and me go on a date sometime? We can watch The Real L Word and eat couscous with wild mushrooms that I picked from my very own windowsill garden. I even purchased your favorite Celestial Tea blends and compostable spoons with which to stir them.

You: [Smile, but politely decline. Then continue to peruse other AfterEllen columns, leaving me to deal with the jealousy and crippling loneliness on my sad existence.]

Me: [I see you wavering! Stop it! Don’t fall for my pity face! Walk away!]

To reiterate, in all seriousness: It’s not worthwhile to waste your time and hers simply for the sake of being too nice to say no. Especially since, ultimately, it’s not nice at all. It’s leading someone on. And annoying yourself in the process. Your time and your dates are valuable. Don’t waste them on someone you feel “feh” about.

I am 28, and recently figured out that I am extremely attracted to women. I just “came out” to my family, and they are extremely supportive. My only dilemma is getting myself noticed by other women. I am fairly femme (although I wear hoodies, and jeans, etc.). I have pushed myself straight into the community and have attended two different events – danced my heart out, both being club parties. However, I am finding it really difficult to approach and/or get approached.

I really want to meet more women. This whole world is completely new to me and really overwhelming. While attending the two events, I finally felt like I “fit.” However, now comes the hard part of starting relationships with women, as I have had no previous experience. I have joined the local online communities and online dating sites, but I am still finding it really hard. How do I attract women? Is there a specific way to let them know I am a lesbian? Is there any sure way of telling straight from gay?

Anna says: Welcome to the club! Your low-maintenance succulent plant and year-long subscription to Girlfriends will be mailed to you shortly. And seriously, congratulations on putting yourself out there. It ain’t easy going to club parties stag — I’ve only done it once, and probably survived it because I was escorted by several, hearty vodka gimlets.

You might not like to hear it, but you are following all the right steps. You’re online, you’re offline, and you’re out to those who care about you. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but wait for the right person to land at your doorstep. In the mean time, however, here are a few things you can do to occupy your time while you wait for Ms. Right to materialize.

Make some ghey ladee friends. And I actually mean friends, honest-to-goodness platonic ones. Not only will this further bolster your cred in the community, and fill up your social calendar, but there’s an added perk that gay gals often know other gay gals that might want to knock boots with you. Everybody wins, except perhaps your unsuspecting boots.

Approach women. You don’t have to hit on anybody. Just practice striking up conversations with strangers when you’re out at these awesome queer parties. After a while, it won’t seem scary or hard. In the course of these conversations, if things are gelling, you can try to suss out their sexual identity. I’ve found it helpful to admit my own queerness as a jumping off point. It can be in a self-deprecating way, “I’m so gay I named my Subaru Outback ‘Shane.'” Or it can be direct. It depends on the conversation, obviously. Often, this alone will elicit a response from whoever it is I’m chatting up. If you do happen to hit on a straight girl accidentally, don’t worry about it too much. Nine times out of 10, they won’t be offended, most are even flattered, and some will make out with you despite their supposed straightness.

Don’t fixate. Try not to have a hard-and-fast agenda. Focus on meeting people, doing interesting things, and being the kind of person you’d want to meet and hang out with. The rest is up to chance.

As to the last question, no, there’s no sure way to tell if someone’s straight or gay, but I will leave you with the wise words of Leisha Hailey, aka Alice from The L Word: “Everyone’s straight until they’re not.”

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button