I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year. She is the first girl I’ve ever been in a relationship with. In the first few months of being with her, I felt like I would live the rest of my life with her. She was mature, loving and caring.
About half way through the relationship things had changed. She wasn’t as affectionate and loving as she once was. She said she is always affectionate in the beginning. I tried my best to make her feel special every chance I got and rarely felt the same in return.
I decided I would go out and at least get attention from other people (not sexually). I went to gay bars and realized this whole world I never saw before because I was never openly gay and single. I’m confused because I want to be with my girlfriend in the long run because she is stable, goal-oriented, and amazing with children, but I feel that right now I want to explore and see the world I haven’t experienced yet. I can almost guarantee that she will not wait around for me and will probably be upset and hurt if I break things off. I don’t want to hurt her, I still love her. I just don’t want to have any regrets before settling down. What should I do? – Torn and Confused
Anna says:
I’m going to borrow from my favorite advice columnist, Dear Sugar, on this one, Torn, because she says it better and more succinctly than I could:
You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.
Leaving someone you love, venturing out there on your own, especially as a queer woman, can be terrifying, or it can be empowering. Usually it’s both, Torn. It sounds like you already know what you need to do. You want love and affection from someone who will provide that not just “in the beginning.” You want to explore, meet new people, and paint the town gay. You want to have no regrets before settling down. Those are terrific places to start. Don’t let fear hold you back, or not wanting to hurt someone you care about. It’s a necessary part of human existence, as well as, I’d like to think, loving with all you’ve got, with your intelligence, and humor, and compassion.
And as to the part where you thought you would be with your first girlfriend forever and ever, I think pretty much everyone on earth has had that same thought that at least once, however naïve, or fleeting, or idealistic it seemed. (Back me up in the comments, ladies!) First loves are game changers. It’s like eating your first beautiful, exquisite, gourmet meal after consuming a lifetime of low-fat Hot Pockets. It’s easy to make assumptions about the world when it has been completely turned on its head for us.
So don’t worry about forever right now. Worry about making decisions that are hard, that you don’t feel great about, but that you know are ultimately the best possible ones for you and her in the long run, even if that means breaking your own heart, a little.
Best of luck.
I’m a 22-year-old graduate student with an amazing girlfriend and an awesome lesbro. This summer, my lesbro confided to me that he had been hooking up with an ex-girlfriend of mine – a girl who more or less identifies as a lesbian – for awhile, well after we broke up and well after I started seeing my current girlfriend. My relationship with my ex had been an important one for me, but I told my lesbro that I had obviously moved on, and thus “gave him my blessing.” Unfortunately, by the time my lesbro had confessed the relationship, their tango had ended.
Fast-forward seven months later. My girlfriend, lesbro and I all went back to Boston together to visit our old posse of friends — including my ex-girlfriend. While we were there, some stuff went down between them, much of which seemed to come to a sordid semi-conclusion. On the drive back to NYC, my lesbro proceeded to divulge what had happened — that they had hooked up, and afterward, my ex said she felt strongly for him, but wasn’t ready for a relationship. After that, he continued with somewhat disparaging remarks about how he and my ex were so right for each other, more than my ex and I ever were, and that they could have a “real” relationship, unlike the relationships that I had with women. He concluded that he didn’t really “get” homosexuality, and that he didn’t understand why my ex was reluctant to take a chance on him and make it work.
I was completely shocked by his quasi-rant; after all, this guy has been one of my best friends for around five years. We’ve stuck by each other through thick and thin. I was offended and hurt by his remarks, but remained silent. My girlfriend was close to infuriated; she felt that he had discounted our relationship as “not real,” even though we’ve been dating for a year.
So here’s my problem: how do I deal with this situation? Should I put my hurt feelings aside to be there for my bro, who still keeps turning to me about his situation? Should I confront him about what he said? I want to be able to keep our friendship intact and strong without anyone getting hurt in the process. – Lesbro, Chill
Anna says: Weird. I had a lesbro once who also slept with my ex-girlfriend. You are much more forgiving than I was. Golf clap to you, my friend.
I’m curious why you didn’t say anything in the moment. Besties don’t tend to stay silent when one of them does something hurtful like negate the legitimacy of their relationship. Do you often find yourself keeping mum about your opinions and emotions with him? If so, there might be deeper issues to explore there. As to the task at hand though, yes, bring it up; it’s time for some Real Talk. Sooner than later is better.
If you need an in, then confront him when he starts weepily bringing up your ex again. It could be that he said what he said in a moment of weakness and hurt, and didn’t really mean it. Rejection sucks. Some of us handle it gracefully, and some of us write country songs about keying their ex’s truck and blaming them for every blight on mankind, then performing that song in front of the entire school. You know, hypothetically. It’s also possible he’s jealous of you and your ex’s relationship, and devaluing your current one makes it seem “less threatening” to him. This is all just posturing, of course. Talking to him is the only way to find out what’s really going on.
If you do talk, and he reiterates his homophobic thinking, you can still use it as a teachable moment, since educating people about queer relationships is the best way to decrease prejudices, misunderstandings, and fear. Do that and I promise to never write like a pamphlet ever again. Deal?
I noticed the phrase “not wanting to hurt someone” came up in your letter as well. Not wanting to hurt someone and avoidance are two separate issues, neither of which are very useful to your situation. Staying quiet in order to avoid messy or complicated feelings is just going to lead to resentment, as I’ve written before.
Lastly, there are so many things in life that one might not “get” — Creed comes to mind, Tila Tequila, Furbies. Being gay is not one of them. If he can’t respect your relationship, and your identity, then it might be time to find a new lesbro.
Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].
