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The Hook Up: 2-2-2011

So both my brother and sister are married and breeding babies left and right! I am the youngest and gayest although I have not come out to my entire family (only my mom and that didn’t go over so well). It seems at any family gathering I go to, someone asks, “Hey, when are you gonna find a man and start poppin’ out babies like your brother and sister?” I was wondering your thoughts on how to approach this question without outing yourself at the dinner table, making for a very awkward family gathering.

Anna says: You could send them this form letter. Adapt as needed.

Dear encroaching family member(s),

I appreciate the concern you have regarding my uterus. We are, however, currently not accepting applications for offspring at this time. We’d like to point out that there are many other interesting tidbits about us, which do not involve childbearing, that we are delighted to discuss with you at the dinner table, such as lacrosse, the revolution in Egypt, and chunky shoes. Thank you for inquiring.

Love,

Us (me + uterus)

I don’t know what it is about family that gives them the authority to behave like douchecopters and needle into our personal lives, but they always do! If it’s not babies, it’s, “Are you seeing anyone?” “How’s your love life?” “Why are you such a crippling disappointment to us all?” etc. If you turned any of those questions around on them, it might shut ’em up quick, but you might also then be seen as unspeakably rude. Plus, no one really wants to know about Aunt Gertie’s love life.

In terms of how to deflect awkward questions away about bebeh makin’ from yourself, and I’m frankly kind of shocked that you’re getting them at 22, there are a few approaches. You can act curt and respond with one-word answers that basically end the conversation before it begins, e.g. “How’s your love life?” “Fine.” You can respond in such a ridiculous manner that no one takes you seriously. Bonus points if you can work in convents, lighting things on fire, or prison. You can also change the subject. Example: “When are you going to reproduce like your siblings?” “My nieces/nephews are so cute, aren’t they? Did you see the latest Facebook pictures of them?” Or ask them about themselves. “I saw you got a new Ford Taurus. That is the shizz. I bet you’re really popular at Luby’s Cafeteria now.”

If the nagging becomes unbearable, then you should probably bite the bullet and come out to more of your extended family, though not at the dinner table per se. If you want to be lazy about it like I was, you can simply tell the most gossipy person in your family that you’re queer, and let that person do the work for you. My dad outed me to most of my Southern aunts, uncles and cousins accidentally, so I didn’t have to. It saved us all a lot of awkward conversations, and for that, as well as for, you know, conceiving me, I am thankful to him. Good luck, and you look great in that Ford Taurus, by the way.

I identify very strongly as gay, but I have been seeing a man for over a year. I have lost many friends and connections in the queer community because of my relationship with him, but that was the sacrifice I made to be in this exceptionally loving relationship. I am not sexually attracted to him and if we were not together I would never imagine being with a man. Because of this our sexual relationship has been one of many compromises. I also feel alienated from the queer community and at a desperate loss for a sense of belonging. I don’t know. What do you think about this?

Anna says: Your letter makes me sad, Anon. One because I hear your particular complaint often, and for all of the supposed inclusiveness of the LGBTQQIABC123 community, we still tend to police the hell out of each other. Femmes are too “straight-appearing.” Bisexuals are just cowardly lesbians hiding behind straight privilege. Trans women aren’t real women. Kinky/polyamorous women are ruining our image of normalcy. And on and on. We are already a minority, yet we also can’t seem to stop telling each other about the “right” way to be queer. Of course, there is no right way. Everyone’s experiences are unique to themselves. I won’t lie though. A little part of me died when my ex-girlfriend started dating dudes. I judged her for it. But then I realized how stupid I would be to cut this amazing person out of my life because of who she slept with. So I apologized and bought her a Cinnabun. Unfortunately, that’s not often how it goes.

The other reason your letter makes me sad is because you’re sacrificing your sexual identity and your desires to be with this person. Again, I’ve done so too. I endured months of a sexless relationship because everything else was hunky dory. Who needs sex, I thought, when you have friendship, respect, affection, and a mutual fondness for Cinnabuns? I had a pretty good vibrator too. Sometimes, that is enough for people in a long-term relationship. But other times, eventually, it is not. I’m not here to make that decision for you though, Anon. We all have to build our lives the best way we see fit, and if yours involves a loving, but sexless relationship, than that’s your prerogative. Many people stay together for far worse reasons: Money, fear, and codependence are some that come to mind. However, if you do find yourself ever saying, “This isn’t enough for me,” then I urge you to consider hightailing it outta there to make room for something/someone who has the potential to meet both your emotional and physical needs.

That said, Sugar Shoes, don’t give up on the queer community. If your gay friends ditched you at the first sign of straightness, then they weren’t really your friends. You deserve better. I implore you to seek other outlets on your quest for belonging than the ones you are used to. That sounds hokey, but I mean it sincerely. Volunteer at your local queer community center, crisis hotline, queer film festival, sex worker’s art show, or any other event you come across that might involve some lady-lovin’ ladies. Look online, take chances, put yourself in potentially awkward situations. I assure you that there are awesome people out there who would be thrilled to know you and befriend you, Anon. Sometimes it’s not enough to simply seek community; we have to build it ourselves. (Cue the creation of AfterEllen.com.)

Readers, what say you? Advice or kind words for our friend here on where to find community?

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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