Ladies of the gay persuasion, I have a confession to make and unfortunately there’s no way to say it politely: I hate Christmas. My reasons for this are manifold and rather prosaic so I shan’t harp on about them (greedy vapid commercialism, creepy home-invading fat men with uncontrolled facial hair, seasonally inappropriate decorations for my half of the world, and worst of all:Christmas music) so as usual, I’ll present my deepest and darkest of emotions via humorous pictorial form:
However, whilst I may not be decking any halls or whimsically jingling bells, there is one kind of spirit I can joyously get behind any day of the year and that is of course, the spirit of etiquette. Just because you’re all drunk with Christmas wonder doesn’t mean you’re exempt from manners, which is exactly what I scream brokenly at pushy passersby during my annual Christmas breakdown should I accidentally get swept up in a crowd of crazed shoppers. Here are my simple pointers to get you through the holidays with your romantic and familial relationships intact. The Perfect Gift for Her Now my little reindeer, we all know that there is only one way to prove you love someone and that is to buy them stuff. It is of the utmost importance that you buy your girlfriend a gift that costs at the very least half your year’s salary, because how much you spend directly correlates with how much you love her. Don’t give me any of that “from the heart” business or cry about how it took you eight weeks of papier mache; it won’t simply will not cut the mustard with me. Nothing short of a top of the line (green, hybrid) brand new car or a down payment on a house will suffice – if you love her at all – so do keep this in mind. (Note to my girlfriend: by now you will have received my itemised wish list, which I’ve ranked in order of preference and with which I’ve helpfully included a shortlist of friendly local lending agencies to whom you could apply in order to fund your me-oriented purchases. Don’t forget, if I’m not impressed, we’re breaking up.That goes for you too, Mum. XOXO)
Create a Magical Christmas Dinner If you’re looking for an opportunity to put your entire year’s etiquette lessons to the test, why not host your own Christmas at your house this year? After all, once you’ve adequately catered for your every relation’s specific dietary preferences, expertly diffused the various decade-long simmering tensions and kept seamless conversation flowing between your women’s studies major girlfriend and your cousins from the country all whilst remaining perfectly sober in readiness for the imminent annual trip to the emergency department, then, and only then, can you call yourself a truly accomplished grown-up gay lady. Also, you’ll have aged at least 15 years overnight and have the (distinguished, sexy) wrinkles to show for it.
Decorate your home with holiday cheer! While I have been perfectly honest with you in sharing my dislike of Christmas in general, I do of course believe in the importance of keeping up appearances and staying up to date with the latest in home decorating trends. Here are some of my suggestions, gay ladies, for achieving a contemporary holiday look, whilst keeping it tastefully in tune with traditional themes: – Decorate your sex toys with tinsel, for that special Christmas sparkle – Arrange your blazing 24-hour Christmas lights into a fun, whimsical, seasonal message such as “Stop Global Warming!” – Wear nothing whatsoever around the home except for sleigh bells and strategically sprayed fake snow – Find one new use for a candy cane every day in December. Make it a fun household competition!
A Christmas Story Another important tradition is that of the heart-warming Christmas story. Oh my little elves, do be cautious of turning on your television or heading out to the cinema at this special time of year as you’re extremely likely to be exposed to potentially critical levels of Christmas spirit, involving families or lovers reconnecting with their belief in Santa under a gentle snowfall of pure joy. If you plan on taking in any of these Christmas specials, be sure and watch it within the safety of your real life family group in order to stay safely steeped in reality, thus preventing yourself from drifting away with the idea of Christmas miracles altogether. Here’s another idea though: why not tell your own Christmas story? The holidays are truly a time to reconnect with your loved ones, so why not gather them all together and use Christmas dinner or your work Christmas party as an opportunity to come out to one and all in a blaze of drunken glory, or to finally answer honestly all those questions your liquor sozzled work colleagues have harbouring all year?
Make the Yuletide Gay
This year, when we go back home for Christmas, my wonderful (gay lady) sister and I are going to hit the gay bar of the small town we grew up in. We’re hoping it will be amazing and scary and hilarious and awesome all at once, but also, a way to inject a little gay into the holiday. What about you – you gayest of Santa’s little helpers – in this year of celebrity outings, publicised gay suicides, fighting against Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and for marriage equality, how will you add some gay to the holidays? You could: # Bring a real life date to your work function – Bring your girlfriend home for a family Christmas – Support local independent businesses when you buy your gifts (oh, you didn’t know? They’re gay) – Send out some properly gay Christmas cards – Follow SameSame’s example and instead of sending your requests to Santa this year, make your wishes known to someone more local than the North Pole. &mdsah; Continue on being your wonderful gay lady selves.
