How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Thirteen


Ladies of the gay persuasion, I have a confession to make and unfortunately there’s no way to say it politely: I hate Christmas. My reasons for this are manifold and rather prosaic so I shan’t harp on about them (greedy vapid commercialism, creepy home-invading fat men with uncontrolled facial hair, seasonally inappropriate decorations for my half of the world, and worst of all:Christmas music) so as usual, I’ll present my deepest and darkest of emotions via humorous pictorial form:

However, whilst I may not be decking any halls or whimsically jingling bells, there is one kind of spirit I can joyously get behind any day of the year and that is of course, the spirit of etiquette. Just because you’re all drunk with Christmas wonder doesn’t mean you’re exempt from manners, which is exactly what I scream brokenly at pushy passersby during my annual Christmas breakdown should I accidentally get swept up in a crowd of crazed shoppers. Here are my simple pointers to get you through the holidays with your romantic and familial relationships intact. The Perfect Gift for Her Now my little reindeer, we all know that there is only one way to prove you love someone and that is to buy them stuff.  It is of the utmost importance that you buy your girlfriend a gift that costs at the very least half your year’s salary, because how much you spend directly correlates with how much you love her. Don’t give me any of that “from the heart” business or cry about how it took you eight weeks of papier mache; it won’t simply will not cut the mustard with me. Nothing short of a top of the line (green, hybrid) brand new car or a down payment on a house will suffice — if you love her at all — so do keep this in mind. (Note to my girlfriend: by now you will have received my itemised wish list, which I’ve ranked in order of preference and with which I’ve helpfully included a shortlist of friendly local lending agencies to whom you could apply in order to fund your me-oriented purchases. Don’t forget, if I’m not impressed, we’re breaking up.That goes for you too, Mum. XOXO)

Create a Magical Christmas Dinner If you’re looking for an opportunity to put your entire year’s etiquette lessons to the test, why not host your own Christmas at your house this year? After all, once you’ve adequately catered for your every relation’s specific dietary preferences, expertly diffused the various decade-long simmering tensions and kept seamless conversation flowing between your women’s studies major girlfriend and your cousins from the country all whilst remaining perfectly sober in readiness for the imminent annual trip to the emergency department, then, and only then, can you call yourself a truly accomplished grown-up gay lady.  Also, you’ll have aged at least 15 years overnight and have the (distinguished, sexy) wrinkles to show for it.

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