How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Twelve


Lesson Twelve: Dude, she has actual horns! How to politely let your friend know that her new girlfriend is evil. Gather round everyone, it’s time for a story. Everybody comfortable? Wonderful! Here we go:

  Oh my stars, you don’t still believe in fairy tales do you? Because that one, my kittens, I’m sad to inform you, is made up of 100 percent, undiluted piffle. If it was remotely true then the following lesson would be quite unnecessary and young lesbians everywhere could befreed from lying awake in terror every night, imagining that gruesome spectre as told to them by their elders in The Tale of The Toxic Lesbian.

As it is, my sweet gay ladies, the Toxic Lesbian (henceforth referred to as the Toxbian) truly does exist. (Halloween may be over, but I, for one, keep getting chills down my spine and feeling the need to turn and check behind me the entire time I’m writing this.) But forewarned is forearmed my lovelies and while god forbid itshould happen at all, one day, it may be up to you — you wondrous chivalrous beings — to protect a more vulnerable friend from their clutches. The Tale of the Toxbian Gay ladies, you will not know the the Toxbian by her menacing claws, her horns and tail, or her brutally large, shiny teeth. Alas, she is a master of disguise and may come across as simply cheeky, free-spirited or a tad emo. Before you know it, your friend will be under her spell, oblivious to the danger she is in. Do not be afraid! Simply keep a handwritten copyof this exact article upon your person at all times (um, or save it to your iPhone), so you can refer to it whenever your gay spidey-senses start to tingle.

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