Lesson Eight: Gay lady friendships: Negotiating the pitfalls Alright possums, let us sit down together, neck our pints of beer and punch each other manfully in the arm whilst we express to each our deep and abiding love. Oh my goodness – not in a gay way! I’m simply talking about the other loves of our lives: our friends. Today’s focus is not on fag-hags, man-bags or lesbros, but on the pure, simple and unmuddied friendship that exists between gay ladies. Hang onto your ever-present hats my lovelies, it’s going to be a messy and complicated ride. Unless of course, you apply the correct etiquette. Know your Lesbian: Before I dish out my most learned, highly qualified, and one hundred percent foolproof advice, it is of utmost importance to characterise each of your gay lady friendships into one of the following groups, in order to understand how to deal with them. There are four clear-cut categories into which all possible friendships may be perfectly placed, as human nature is extremely simple and predictable with no variance whatsoever. They are as follows: 1) Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy (not in a gay way) Friendship between two gay ladies, neither of whom are attracted to each other and who have no interest in each other’s partners – past, present or future. Drama rating: 0/10. This friendship is directly comparable with that which occurs between unicorns and leprechauns. It is adorable, sparkly, innocent fun, and occurs with about as much frequency.
2) Constant Craving Friendship between two gay ladies, one of whom is attracted to the other, in an unrequited sense. Drama rating: 7/10. Warning: may contain awkward moments and large doses of passive aggression/getting off with your exes. 3) A Whole Lot of Like Friendship between two gay ladies, both of whom are attracted to each other, but too chicken to do anything about it. Drama rating: ranging between 0/10 and 10/10. Also known as “girlfriends.” Generally amongst ladies of the gay persuasion, the shyness factor lasts until the first, second or at worst, third night of drinking together.
4) History Lesson Friendship between two gay ladies, who used to date each other. Drama rating 18/10. If you need me to explain why, you have not been a gay lady long enough. Give it time, my chickens, give it time… Know Your Leisure Activity Now that you’ve accurately herded all your friendships with other gay ladies into one of the neat and tidy boxes above, it is time to discuss the differences between appropriate friendship activities and inappropriate friendship activities – if in fact you value the longevity of your friendships over the potential for exciting drama in your life. I accept that this is not the wish of everyone in the room, but may I offer a quick plea on behalf of the value of friendships between gay ladies? Who else will remain at your side in terrible gay lady establishments at three a.m. because you’re single and insisting on dancing publicly to attract a potential life mate? Who else will agree with your frustrated sigh of “wimmen!” whilst neglecting to point out your own identical behaviour? Who else will be genuinely excited for you when you proclaim you’ve found ‘The One’ for the seventeenth time since they’ve known you, and after only three dates? Who else will tolerate you talking about your cat/dog’s antics for hours, pretend to be your girlfriend when your ex walks past, and help you ice Boobie cupcakes for your girlfriend’s birthday?
With that firmly in mind, let us examine the following public information poster regarding leisure activities in which to engage in with one’s gay lady friends:
I know that these guidelines are complex and may be difficult to adhere to. May I suggest printing out the above diagram for handy future reference? This way you can attach one to your bathroom door to contemplate daily, or keep one folded in your wallet to refer to when you’re out and considering various potential courses of action. You could even print out a whole pile of them to dish out to your gay lady social circle as a gesture of your pure, simple and unmuddied friendship.
