Dear Jenny: If she’s faking orgasm, it’s not about you.

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Dear Jenny,

I learned that my girlfriend had faked some orgasms right before we broke up. I felt betrayed and embarrassed, and even though we have broken up, I still think about it sometimes. I’m afraid it’s going to interfere with my mentality when I end up wanting to have sex with someone new. Quite frankly, sometimes it messes up my mentality when I’m pleasuring myself. Is faking normal, am I over-reacting? How do I get passed this and forgive her?

Thanks,

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

This is not about you. It’s about her. I know that may be hard to believe, but it’s true. 100% true. When someone chooses to fake an orgasm, it’s generally because they don’t think they can orgasm or they don’t want to orgasm. A lot of women fake orgasms, often with men, because what is going on is not working for them, and they don’t want to – or don’t feel like they can – talk to their partner about what’s not working for them. It’s sad, because when we fake an orgasm, we give the message that what is happening is working for us when it really isn’t making our partner believe we want them to continue doing whatever it is they are doing.

We are all responsible for our own orgasms. If your girlfriend was faking, it may because her mind was elsewhere. Seeing as you ultimately broke up, it may be that she was worried about breaking up or, unfortunately, she may have been thinking about someone else. Regardless, it’s not about you or your skills in bed. I understand how it may feel that way to you. But all we can do for our partners is help to facilitate orgasm. We can’t make someone orgasm. It’s not a forced march.

All we can do for our partners is help to facilitate orgasm. We can’t make someone orgasm. It’s not a forced march.

I feel sure that you have facilitated other women’s orgasms and likely hers when things were good in your relationship. And I hope you are able to bring yourself to orgasm. It will take some time, but this is something you will have to let go of. You have to keep reminding yourself that it’s not you and if she wanted something different, it was her job to ask. How could you know? Especially if she’s faking it. I feel sad for her that she didn’t feel empowered to be honest with you – and with herself. But that’s about her. Not you.

Ultimately, when it comes to sex, we can only truly know what works for us. And we have to trust our partners to be honest with us. When they aren’t, that makes them fakers at best and liars at worst. But it certainly doesn’t speak to one’s prowess in bed!

Take some time to give yourself some good orgasms to restore your confidence and then get back in the game, being sure to tell future partners that you find communicating one of the sexiest things a girl can do in bed…

Yours in the pursuit of pleasure,

Jenny