Lesbianing With AE: You Want Casual, But she Wants More

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Dear Lindsey,

I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple weeks and by now things are going great. She’s hot and we have good chemistry, beyond being more experienced than I am. The problem is that she wants to commit to a more serious relationship -while I don’t. I just realized to be lesbian and what I want right now is to experience and play around with different girls. I hate to have a reputation for being a heartbreaker: I’m just looking for a flirt, hoping that she doesn’t catch too many feelings. How do I tell/hint her I want nothing serious?

-Baby Dyke

Dear Baby Dyke,

It’s too late to keep it casual with this girl. She’s caught feelings and she wants to define the relationship. One of you is going to get hurt if you keep seeing one another, and it’s going to be her – because you aren’t interested in what she wants and so she can never win.

One of you is going to get hurt if you keep seeing one another, and it’s going to be her – because you aren’t interested in what she wants and so she can never win.

Sure, you can tell her that you want to keep things casual and she could give you the yes you want to hear, but she wouldn’t mean it. She would always be hoping that you would have a change of heart. That one month or one year down the road, you would tell her you want to commit.

You’ve got to end it with this woman. Tell her what you told me, then add (if you’re so inclined) that when your needs change and you feel ready to be someone’s girlfriend, you’ll shoot her a text and if you are both single you can reconnect.

You can be just a flirt and not be cruel about it, and the way you do that is by being honest with women you date from the outset. Tell women that you’re a baby dyke just out of the closet looking for fun and casual dates. Let the women who aren’t interested in that walk away, and see where things go with those who aren’t put off by your need to keep it casual. 

This would’ve been way easier in the not-so-distant age of Craigslist personals where you could just post in WSW for NSA hookups and have all the pussy you could eat, but those days are gone.

By being open about what you are looking for, you can ethically get your flirt on without developing a bad reputation in your local lesbian community.

It’s a small community, and you gotta pay it forward by being a decent and caring person, even if you’re only interested in getting to know a girl for one night. Being a nice hookup doesn’t make you any more than “just a flirt.” 

It’s a small community, and you gotta pay it forward by being a decent and caring person, even if you’re only interested in getting to know a girl for one night.

Spend time in gay spaces to broaden your social circle. Go to all the ladies’ nights and queer film fests, join a dyke softball team, volunteer for Pride, attend your campus LGBTQ club meetings if you are a student. You’ll get to know a whole bunch more lesbian and bi women who may be interested in what you have to offer…and friends with benefits are ideal flirting and play partners. 

If you’re flexible on the type of woman you are interested in (always something I recommend, especially since you’re new to the team), you will find more potential dates than if you’ve got a strict set of preferences for your lady friend.

As you get more experience with women, you’ll improve your ability to navigate these things. You might make a few mistakes along the way, but who hasn’t? As long as you can learn from those mistakes (say, spot the red flags before things get ugly), be honest with the women you meet and with yourself, and enjoy the journey you’ll come out fine.


Do you need Lindsey’s advice? Write to the editor here: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.