My wife and I hit a rough patch in the bedroom. I’ve been working like crazy for the last 4 months (it’s the busy season at work and it’s all hands on deck, so we’re talking 10-20 extra hours a week). Between the lack of time and the stress, we haven’t been having much sex. My wife has pulled away, and she now claims she is not interested in sex – low libido, etc. That would be fine, although unlike her, except that I found some porn on her computer. It got me wondering if she’s not interested in having sex with me because she’s interested in doing some of the stuff in the porn (like group sex) or if there’s someone else… Things have calmed down at work and I want to make up for lost time, but she’s not interested right now. What do I do?
In a long-term relationship, it’s not unusual for the sex to die down for a bit. Maybe you have a kid, maybe you have — as you did — a stressful go of it at work, or maybe you both get sick of the usual and are in the mood less often.
I have no idea what’s going through your wife’s mind (and neither do you or you wouldn’t be writing in). You two have got to talk about things.
Before you charge into the bedroom and ask, “Why are you jerking off to porn but not having sex with me? Are you cheating?” think back to how you treated your wife’s requests for intimacy when you were stressed at work. Did you make time to have sex, even if it was less frequently than before? Were you intimate in other ways, such as taking a sensual bath together or having a shower quickie? Or did you have a short fuse and blow up whenever she asked to have sex?
If you were dismissive due to your stress, you’re partly to blame for the state of things now. Think about how you can better handle your stress the next time work gets crazy. Scheduling sex sounds super lame, but it’s a reliable way for busy couples to make sure they carve out time to be intimate and maintain that sexual connection that’s now dimmed for you. You might want to try it during your next work-related rush. And you should definitely try some stress busters, whether’s that’s medication or meditation. If you’re being a pill and expecting your wife to put up with it because it’s your job, no wonder you wife decided to do her own thing.
As you’re thinking about this shift, think about the type of sex you usually have with your wife. If you two got into a routine (like you could get her off in two minutes blindfolded and handcuffed and not cause you were going for kinky) the porn could be her way of tapping into something different. Only she can tell you if that sorority initiation video she keeps watching is something she actually wants to try.
If you two have no normal in the bedroom because you’re always experimenting, then why are you threatened by this? It’s a big logic leap from porn to cheating, or having a low libido to cheating. Especially when you just had a low libido and froze her out for four months.
Approach the conversation with your wife with an open mind, open heart, and apology for letting stress get between you. Express to her what you said here — that you want to make up for lost time, you won’t let work tank your libido again, and you want to reconnect, even if that means watching Slutty Sorority Sisters 7 rather than Orphan Black.
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